Tim Tebow Files Lawsuit Against NFL For Discrimination
Former NFL Quarterback Tim Tebow has filed a civil lawsuit in the U.S. District Court, Eastern District of New York naming the National Football League as defendants. The plaintiff alleges that the defendant has unfairly discriminated against him using the arbitrary basis of an utter lack of the ability to throw a football that could be caught by another human being. Tebow alleges that his inability to deliver a football in the general vicinity of any person wearing a similar colored jersey is not a valid basis for being denied the opportunity to play quarterback with the NFL. Furthermore, such discrimination is detrimental to society as a whole as it sets a dangerous precedent where other businesses will deny opportunities to individuals sufficiently lacking talent.
“I could envision an aspiring musician being denied a major record deal based on something as arbitrary as not having the ability to play a single musical instrument or sing a note in key”, said Tebow. “What if Nickelback had faced such prejudice?”. He continues “I know it is a daunting task taking on big football, but someone has to stand up for the Nickelbacks and Tim Tebows of the world”. In addition, the NFL has not made a significant attempt to accommodate quarterbacks who lack ability in their league. “They could make rule adjustments to accommodate my inability to throw a football accurately”, Tebow suggests “How about they let me throw to number 75? He’s pretty big and only a few feet away. Maybe if I hit him in the back it should count”. “I could be allowed to complete passes to the cheerleaders or fans in the Row F. I don’t know, I’m just spitballing here”, he continues.
When prompted for a response, NFL spokesman Brian McCarthy said “Are you freaking kidding me??? Have you seen him throw a football? He threw a pass in his last game that was so far off target we still haven’t been able to find the ball. He owes us 39.99 plus tax for that one”. “We are trying to build a credible business here and cannot allow Tim Tebow to be out there throwing footballs in random directions endangering spectators and such”. “As it is we are going to have to deal with ‘Johnny Football’ for the next few years until he gets his coach and GM fired”, speculates McCarthy.
As of press time, Tim Tebow had retained famed New York attorney Jackie Chiles who claims “I’ve got a real good case here. I’ve been wanting to go after big football for a long time now”.