NEW YORK CITY, New York – 
Pfizer, the company behind the drug Preparation H, the #1 asshole-soothing medication in the world, has announced plans today to pursue New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter for a line of new commercials they plan to air by year’s end.
A representative for Pfizer released a statement via their website, as well as through media outlets such ESPN and The Associated Press, announcing their intentions to seek Jeter for their TV and internet spots, which would showcase the benefits of Preparation H, and its helpfulness in soothing that fire so often associated with a burning, polyp-laden rectum.
“Normally we wouldn’t go after someone in this fashion, and we are aware it’s unorthodox,” said Pfizer representative Martha Canon through their statement. “Normally we’d contact someone directly, or contact their representatives or legal team, but we’ve got such big ideas brewing we needed a big splash to get Derek’s attention. We think this is the way. We have a pretty good feeling that he is a user of our product, and now we want him to pitch it for us.”
Preparation H has been on the market in one form or another since the 1930s, and it is not known for its extensive commercials or advertising. This new line of commercials would be the first in a series planned to feature big-name athletes. It would also mark the first time that a major athlete stars in ads on national TV, print, and internet talking about their burning nether-regions. Usually, it is just speculated how much of a pain-in-the-ass a player might be, but now they’d be going on record to fully admit that they are, and have, those pains.
“We knew that Derek Jeter was the perfect player to kick off our campaign,” continued Canon in the prepared statement. “He’s always come across as a real fiery sphincter – especially if you’re a Boston fan. There’s no way that he doesn’t have that burning, itching sensation himself. Now we want him to tell the world how our products can sooth that burn, and bring some comfort back.”
So far, representatives for Jeter have not commented on whether or not he is interested in the deal. The reported take for Jeter would be somewhere in the nature of $3 million, plus a two-year supply of Preparation H, as well as several bottles of a product that is still in testing, which is designed to not only sooth the burns that may be causing suffering, but also to remove the stick, or in this case baseball bat, that is firmly implanted up there, causing all the trouble.
Pfizer is extremely excited for the deal to take place, and they have no reason to believe that Jeter would turn it down. “It’s a win-win for both sides. We get the publicity, and he gets tons of money and a more relaxed anus. What more could anyone really ask for?”
Pfizer has not announced who else they plan on seeking for future commercial spots, but it is speculated that they also will be looking to court Jeter’s New York Yankees teammate Alex Rodriguez, NBA star Kobe Bryant, NFL player Chad Ochocinco, and because of recent press, LA Clippers owner David Sterling.
