Tag Archives: Wrestling

John Cena To Make Debut in the UFC This Fall

Las Vegas, Nevada – Empire-Sports-John-Cena-Entering-UFC-Fight

One of the most popular wrestlers in the WWE has decided to take the next step in his career. John Cena, a both a fan favorite and one of the most hated men in wrestling today, will be stepping away from the entertainment ring, and heading to the real fights of the octagon this fall.

It has been announced that Cena has been training for a mixed martial arts fight for awhile, and after Dana White gave the approval, a bout was instantly scheduled.

It is unclear who he will be facing but sources have said not to expect his first fight to be against any “All-Star” UFC fighter. Cena reportedly got the idea from fellow wrestler and one-time UFC star Brock Lesner, but fans and insiders alike are already questioning if he can handle taking on real fights.

“Cena is very prepared. He knows these are real badass fighters throwing real punches and kicks.” Said Dana White. “He’s not taking this lightly. I mean, he probably is going to get his ass handed to him, but at least he knows what’s coming.”

Cena did speak to the press, but was very unclear about his wrestling future, he appeared more concerned about his upcoming fight.

“I’m going to beat this dude so bad he is going to wish that the fight was fake like wrestling. I’m sick of people making jokes that what I do is fake, and I can’t hold my own. This is to prove that I’m a real fighter, and can take it and give it, 100%. They won’t even see me coming.” said Cena

It has been rumored that Cena may fight Kimbo Slice in his first bout, but nothing is on paper yet. The only thing that has been floating around is a poster by a promoter for the UFC. The poster mocks Cena, with the slogan of  “Watch Kimbo Get His Career Back As Cena Loses His.”

The WWE still has Cena under contract, and has not commented on how often Cena will still be featured in their matches, but a schedule of a UFC fighter can be pretty time-consuming. It fair to assume that Cena will be dividing his time between the squared-circle and the octagon come this fall.

Teenager Commits Suicide After Learning Wrestling Not Real

MORGANTOWN, West Virginia –empire-sports-photos-suicide-wwe-wrestling-fake-not-real-youtube

In some unsettling news this morning, a Morgantown, West Virginia teenager has apparently committed suicide, filming the entire unsettling mutilation, after finding out that WWE wrestling is not real. The boy, 17 year-old Tanner Husk, was just a few short weeks from graduating high school, when he learned that the “entertainment” part of “sports entertainment” meant that the shows and events were all pre-determined and mostly scripted. He learned this information after a friend at school talked about going to a meet-and-greet with some of the wrestlers before Wrestlemania 30 last month, and that both the heels (bad guys) and babyfaces (good guys) were seated near each other, talking and laughing amongst each other.

Apparently incredulous of the information at first, Husk was reported to have scoured the internet for several hours seeking information about whether or not wrestling was real. Sadly, he of course learned the truth, and it crushed his entire world view. In a video that Husk posted on YouTube earlier in the week (that has since been removed), he berated WWE CEO Vince McMahon for “lying to the people of the WWE Universe” and even called out some of his favorite wrestlers, including Daniel Bryan and The Undertaker.

“I cannot believe that you fakers would mess with people like this. That you could lie to everyone ‘Taker, and let everyone believe that what you do is real…what you do is not real. These feuds, these fights…[they’re] not real. None of your bulls**t is real, Daniel.” said Husk in one of his many recorded diatribes aimed at the WWE wrestlers.

Husk’s mother, Carlene Johnson-Husk, gave a brief statement to reporters outside her home in Morgantown, where she commented on hurt that the WWE had caused her late son.

“Tanner was a bright boy, a smart boy. He got straight C’s all year in school, it was the best he’d ever done. He had a bright future ahead of him.” said Johnson-Husk. “He was going to be someone. He was the first person in our family to hold a full-time job; he’d just got hired for the summer over at the Home Depot. He was a good boy. The Lord definitely should not have called him so soon. He was my whole life, and now I have nothing but his memory…his memory, and his collection of mock WWE Championship belts, which I hope I can sell on eBay for some extra cash.”

Reports are that Husk actually planned out his death, and filmed his suicide, but not until after he apparently poured out his heart to his all-time favorite WWE wrestler, “World’s Strongest Man” Mark Henry. That video was recorded, and Husk had apparently planned to upload it to YouTube. It is unclear how he thought that he would be able to do that once he was dead.

Parts of the video not containing the actual suicide have leaked, and Husk’s final words are extremely disturbing.

“When it comes crashing down, and it hurts inside, ya’ gotta take a stand. It don’t help to hide. Well, you hurt my friends, and you hurt my pride. I gotta be a man…I feel strong about right and wrong, and I don’t take trouble for very long. I got something deep inside of me, and courage is the thing that keeps us free. I am a real American, I’ll fight for what’s right…fight for your life!” Husk said in his final video.

No statement has been made by Vince McMahon or any of the wrestlers in the WWE Universe. Johnson-Husk has reportedly sought an attorney and is in talks to sue the WWE for “purposely misleading with intention to harm the psyche” of her son.

WWE Chairman Vince McMahon Announces 2016 Presidential Bid

STAMFORD, Connecticut –  vince-mcmahon-president-2016-annoucnement-wwe-empire-sports

This afternoon in a press conference from his WWE headquarters, world-renowned billionaire wrestling promotor and WWE chairman Vince McMahon announced his bid for a 2016 presidential candidacy. The news comes as a shock to both political parties and fans of the sports entertainment world, especially after McMahon’s wife, Linda McMahon, pursued and  failed in an attempt to gain a seat in the Connecticut congress on the Republican ticket a few short years ago.

When asked about his ambitions in the political world, McMahon stated that he was “extremely ashamed” with how Linda’s political career had turned out, and he felt that as a face people recognize from years on television with the WWE, that he would certainly stand a good chance of being elected.

“When my wife Linda ran for congress in 2010, and then again in 2012, and lost both elections, I was deeply ashamed and embarrassed for her. Linda ran with my full support, although I did not give her any access to my billions of dollars in wrestle-money. I felt that she lost because real pro-wrestling fans don’t pay attention enough to political policy, which she had a strong showing of. All they care about is who has the best looking face and who has the most money. Since my face is already well known throughout the world as a leader in the Sports Entertainment world, it was only logical that the next step was a bid for presidency. Plus, I have a pretty nice looking face. I just want to make up for what Linda couldn’t do, and then one-up it. It’s just how I am as a man.”

McMahon has decided to not run under either major party, but instead to run as an Independent, despite years of staunch voting for Republican candidates. McMahon also went on to announce a slogan of “PILE-DRIVE THE POLITICAL PHONIES,” which he explains is a dig at all other politicians out there who will make un-kept promises.

“With my platform to Pile-Drive The Political Phonies, I am setting out to make sure that no one on either side of the ticket will be out there to bull**** the American people…because if anyone out there knows a thing about bull****ing and crazy stories, it’s me!” McMahon stated, possibly alluding to his status in the WWE as head of storyline and development. McMahon has created and developed nearly 100% of the ‘characters’ in his promotion for nearing 40 years, including winning ideas such as Triple H and The Undertaker, and losers such as The Gobbledy-Gooker and The Repo Man.

When asked how they felt about McMahon as a presidential candidate after McMahon’s announcement, WWE fans had very positive reactions.

“I’ve been waiting for a presidential candidate like this all my life,” said Michael Hickenbottom, a life-long wrestling fan. “If there was ever a man who could lead a country, it’s Vincent K. McMahon. I’m in awe, honestly, that it took him this long to realize he shouldn’t just be making men in tights dance around in a ring like puppets, but that he should be making puppets out of our Congressmen, too!”

As of this writing, McMahon has not announced a running-mate, although it has been speculated that he may choose someone from his current WWE roster, with fan-favorite Daniel Bryan being a highly likely candidate.

Iowa Loses Wrestling Match; Panic in Iowa City

9635566It’s mayhem in Iowa City. The chaos is everywhere. Stores have been looted and homes have been robbed. The crisis is spreading across the state too.

While Iowa fans were out drinking to celebrate their momentous basketball win over perhaps a national championship caliber Northwestern, a wrestling match was being shown on the Big Ten Network that pitted Iowa against Minnesota. Naturally Iowa had to win, no?

Except, Iowa didn’t win. They lost a 19-15 (uhh… how is wrestling scored?!?) duel against Minnesota. This wouldn’t normally be a bad thing, as the Golden Gophers are ranked number 3 in the land in wrestling. Iowa fans, however, apparently don’t see it that way. In an interview with some dude who is out in the streets of Iowa City, it was said “We’re Iowa. We don’t lose in wrestling. Since we did, this must be the end of the world.”

We also interviewed a man who owns a small pawn shop in downtown Iowa City. In his statement, he said, “This happens every time Iowa loses a wrestling meet. Hell, it happened earlier this year when Iowa lost to Penn State.”

Because of the constant scares that sweep the state following a wrestling loss, White House officials have begun to consider the idea of kicking Iowa from the union. Apparently Obama no longer wants to send armed troops into Iowa City to clean up the mess.

No word on why Iowa State followers have joined in the madness, but this reporter thinks that they are simply celebrating a rare basketball win.