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Los Angeles, California-

One of the most exciting players in the game has a confession that will either shock you, or make sense. The 6’10 power forward has admitted this week that he is an Albino American, and isn’t going to hide in the shadows anymore. Even though if he is an Albino maybe the shadows aren’t the worse spot for him, seeing how the sun can really leave a burn mark for pale people.

Griffin made the announcement after a team mates continued to insult him about his pale complexion. The tainting must have triggered an emotion in Griffin, as it is clear that he has been hiding this secret for several years now.

“It doesn’t matter how many top 10 plays I have on ESPN, people who not stop bothering me for the fact that I was extremely pale in there eyes” said Griffin

“I got to a point were all I wanted to do was beat the hell out of any one that made a remark, and that isn’t my style at all. I decided to admit to being Albino finally, because I felt the bullying would stop, and I’d get some piece of mind. So far people have been extremely supportive, and I am glad I made the call to tell my peers about who I really am” said Griffin

With news of Griffin being Albino sponsors, and NBA officials have been contacting him off the way. Since the announcement Griffin has picked up sponsorships with sun screen, umbrella, and hat companies all over the nation.

“It tough to be a white guy in the NBA, and to some how be whiter, then white I know I have a long journey ahead of me, but I’m willing to take the trip. Just as long as it isn’t to long sunny out.” said Griffin

LOS ANGELES, CA—

Frustrated and angry about the widespread criticism he has recently received from African-Americans, Kobe Bryant has scheduled a series of surgeries designed to make him white. He has hired one of the late Michael Jackson’s former surgeons and will begin treatments immediately. Bryant’s transformation from Negroid to Caucasoid will include a nose job, skin bleaching and, of course, penis reduction surgery.

Bryant incurred the wrath of African-Americans and the American Left during a recent interview when he said he didn’t support defending someone just because he is black. His comment was in reference to the shooting death of Trayvon Martin by George Zimmerman.

“I won’t react to something just because I’m supposed to, because I’m African-American,” said Kobe. “That’s why I don’t eat fried chicken and watermelon. I don’t like ‘em. So I don’t eat ‘em. I’m not gonna eat fried chicken and watermelon just because that’s what black folks do. You want to know what I like to eat? Quinoa. That’s right. Quinoa. In fact, I’m very excited to announce that after the Lakers fail to make the playoffs, I’ll be releasing a book of recipes called “Kobe’s Quinoa Favorites.”

Bryant’s controversial statement immediately struck a chord with America’s social media minions, who unanimously denounced the fading NBA legend. Sources close to Bryant said he was furious over the backlash, and immediately began making plans to change his race.

When reached for comment, Bryant did not mince words. “I’ve had it with these ignorant burr-heads,” said Kobe. “I’m quittin’ hoops and moving to Vermont.”

Adding fuel to the fire, African-American civil rights leader Rev. Leonard Washington has announced a boycott of Bryant and the NBA. Washington believes Bryant should be forced to apologize or face suspension from the league.

“Mr. Bryant’s incendiary rhetoric is borderline treasonous to the black race,” said Washington. “Clearly, this is someone whose penchant for perverse behavior extends far beyond the bedroom.”

When informed of Bryant’s decision to surgically alter his race, Washington responded, “Well, one less sodomite in the hood is fine by me.”

Bryant refused further comment but has vehemently denied reports that he will be appearing in an upcoming infomercial for Proactiv Face Cream.

Tag Archives: white

Blake Griffin Admits He Is Albino

Kobe Bryant Scheduled To Undergo Michael Jackson-esque Surgery To Make Himself White