BOSTON, MA—
The Boston Red Sox have announced that slugger David Ortiz may miss several games after being stabbed outside a downtown Boston Taco Bell during an argument over a burrito.
According to a police report, “Big Papi” was forcibly removed from the establishment after attempting to eat food that belonged to another customer. A scuffle ensued and employees intervened but the confrontation spilled outside where the men briefly exchanged blows before Ortiz was knifed in the stomach. His assailant disappeared on foot and remains at large.
“He was out of money but still wanted more food,” said manager Willie Prader. “When we refused, he grabbed a burrito off another gentleman’s table and made a dash for the exit. The other guy tackled Mr. Ortiz and the two men wrestled on the floor before being separated and escorted outside.”
Though not life threatening, Ortiz’s wound will likely require several weeks of rehab.
The incident is particularly unfortunate since Ortiz had recently dropped 20 pounds off his notoriously gargantuan frame, bringing him down to around 250. He has been on a strict diet under doctor supervision for several months but apparently fell off the wagon and headed downtown for some long overdue binge eating.
“He was asked to leave an all-you-can-eat Ponderosa earlier in the evening,” said Officer Gary Goldsmith. “Shortly thereafter, a man matching Mr. Ortiz’s description was spotted running from a convenience store after stealing a six pack of beer and fistful of Slim Jims, but a positive identification of the suspect has not been made.”
Ortiz spent much of the off-season having his colon periodically blown out as part of an experimental procedure designed to reduce his excessively ravenous appetite. Illegal in the United States, Ortiz returned to his native Dominican Republic to receive the controversial treatments, and appeared to be responding well. This relapse, however, leaves his fortunes, and those of the Red Sox, in serious doubt.
