Tag Archives: Surgery

Doctors Discover Lance Armstrong Has Empty Scrotum Filled With Jelly Beans

PLANO, Texas – 

Just over 15 years ago, a then 26-year-old Lance Armstrong was diagnosed with testicular cancer. Although doctors gave him little hope of survival, we all know the story of Armstrong’ overcoming his illness, followed by his triumphant return, and inevitable fall, in the cycling world. Reportedly, over the course of the last several years, Armstrong, now 42, had been in multiple times to see doctors about issues with his empty scrotum sac. His complaints ranged from itching and an “emptiness” sensation to a general depression and feeling of loss.

Several doctors who spent many, many hours examining Armstrong’s free-flowing skin were puzzled on what to do to relieve his symptoms. It wasn’t until this past weekend that Armstrong’s physician, Dr. Ishtar Bunne came to the realization that the skin could theoretically be filled with anything.

“On Easter Sunday I was home with my children,” said Bunne, a licensed surgeon. “When they were opening their Easter baskets, my youngest daughter Natalie spilled out all her jelly beans. It was at that moment that it hit me, and I knew what we could do to help Armstrong regain his sense of…fulfillment.”

Dr. Bunne immediately contacted Armstrong, who was initially nervous about the idea of his scrotum being filled with sweets.

“I asked Dr. Bunne if there was anything that could go wrong. I didn’t want my urine or blood to get any more tainted than I’ve already made it over the years. After several hours of counseling me on the matter, I decided to go ahead with the surgery.”

Armstrong was prepped and brought into the O.R. on Tuesday afternoon, and the surgery – which took approximately 3 hours – was a success.

“I don’t know what I would have done for Lance if my daughter had not spilled her basket as she did.” Said Bunne. “I am very pleased with the outcome, and I know that Lance and his scrotum will be very happy now.”

At last report, Armstrong was resting at home and doing fine. He also wanted it to be noted that the doctor did, in fact, remove all of the black jelly beans before inserting any into his body.

“Those black ones are the worst.” Said Armstrong. “I don’t want my crotch to smell like licorice.”

Peyton Manning Undergoes Emergency Surgery; Possible Career Ending

DENVER, CO—Peyton-Manning.Omaha.400

Denver quarterback Peyton Manning has undergone an emergency neck surgery this afternoon after suffering nagging neck pain in recent days.

Manning was sent by team doctors to Dr. James Andrews for an immediate neck surgery after some undisclosed issues were found. Denver officials tried to keep it quiet but we here at EmpireSports will find the truth. As of now Peyton is rumored to be missing at least half of the regular NFL season and rumors are floating that this could be the end of Manning’s career.

Manning, who led his team to a record shattering season followed by a SuperBowl loss to the Seattle Seahawks, will be replaced by none other than the man who recruited him to Denver, John Elway. Yes the NFL legend John Elway. Elway has filed his papers to return and will be taking over Mannings place as starting QB with the young Brock Osweiler as the backup.

We are unsure why Elway feels the need to start over a young untested QB in the NFL but we hope to get more news in the coming days as we get more for you. As of right now there is not much known as to the exact problems that happened with Manning or even why Elway is returning but we do know this could change the entire view of the Denver Broncos season. Could this be the end for Manning? Will he retire just a season short of setting all the career records? Time will tell how this story plays out but Denver fans cannot be happy for the season to come now.

Kobe Bryant Scheduled To Undergo Michael Jackson-esque Surgery To Make Himself White

empire-sports-kobe-bryant-race-change-surgery-white-michael-jacksonLOS ANGELES, CA—

Frustrated and angry about the widespread criticism he has recently received from African-Americans, Kobe Bryant has scheduled a series of surgeries designed to make him white. He has hired one of the late Michael Jackson’s former surgeons and will begin treatments immediately. Bryant’s transformation from Negroid to Caucasoid will include a nose job, skin bleaching and, of course, penis reduction surgery.

Bryant incurred the wrath of African-Americans and the American Left during a recent interview when he said he didn’t support defending someone just because he is black. His comment was in reference to the shooting death of Trayvon Martin by George Zimmerman.

“I won’t react to something just because I’m supposed to, because I’m African-American,” said Kobe. “That’s why I don’t eat fried chicken and watermelon. I don’t like ‘em. So I don’t eat ‘em. I’m not gonna eat fried chicken and watermelon just because that’s what black folks do. You want to know what I like to eat? Quinoa. That’s right. Quinoa. In fact, I’m very excited to announce that after the Lakers fail to make the playoffs, I’ll be releasing a book of recipes called “Kobe’s Quinoa Favorites.”

Bryant’s controversial statement immediately struck a chord with America’s social media minions, who unanimously denounced the fading NBA legend. Sources close to Bryant said he was furious over the backlash, and immediately began making plans to change his race.

When reached for comment, Bryant did not mince words. “I’ve had it with these ignorant burr-heads,” said Kobe. “I’m quittin’ hoops and moving to Vermont.”

Adding fuel to the fire, African-American civil rights leader Rev. Leonard Washington has announced a boycott of Bryant and the NBA. Washington believes Bryant should be forced to apologize or face suspension from the league.

“Mr. Bryant’s incendiary rhetoric is borderline treasonous to the black race,” said Washington. “Clearly, this is someone whose penchant for perverse behavior extends far beyond the bedroom.”

When informed of Bryant’s decision to surgically alter his race, Washington responded, “Well, one less sodomite in the hood is fine by me.”

Bryant refused further comment but has vehemently denied reports that he will be appearing in an upcoming infomercial for Proactiv Face Cream.