Tag Archives: Shaq

Shaq and Barkley Exchange Words, Set Up School-Yard HORSE Game

HOUSTON, Texas – 

On a recent episode of TNT’s Emmy Award-winning program “Inside The NBA,” legendary players-turned-commentators Shaquille O’Neal and Charles Barkley exchange heated words during a discussion about a recent Blazers/Rockets game. O’Neal, who is always vocal in his critique of other players who can still walk without the aid of IcyHot, started off the argument by criticizing Dwight Howard, power forward for the Houston Rockets. Charles Barkley, one time power forward for the Rockets himself, responded by calling O’Neal “overrated,” continuing by saying that O’Neal would “have nothing if it wasn’t for Kobe Bryant.”

“Let me tell you something. I always thought you were overrated anyway. You were a flash in the pan! If it wasn’t for Kobe Bryant, you wouldn’t have anything!” yelled Barkley, seemingly seconds away from jumping across the desk towards O’Neal.

The cameras cut away shortly after the exchange as the program ended, but the words did not stop there. O’Neal picked up on the tirade, calling Barkley a “bald-headed has-been,” before remembering that he, too, was without hair and also just as irrelevant. Barkley retorted with several digs at O’Neal’s spotty career outside of basketball, including mocking the video games and movies based on “Shaq-Fu,” a lame marketing attempt to make kids think that Shaq was a badass in the late 90s, as well as O’Neal’s sad attempt at acting, playing a genie in the forgettable 1996 film KAZAAM.

“You know what, guy? I don’t care what you call me, because I got the respect. I got the rings, too…all you have is your bull**** Shaq-Fu and a f***** up costume left over from your stupid genie movie. You’re a distant memory of what never was!”

Stopping just short of things coming to blows, producers and executives stepped in to remind both ex-players that they had terms in their contracts excluding either one from bringing up the other’s checkered off-court history. Instead, they suggested that both men agree to a one-off game of HORSE at a local elementary school, with the winner being named “King of the Playground” and also getting their name first in the opening credits of “Inside the NBA.”

O’Neal and Barkley agreed to the terms; as of this writing contracts were being reviewed by lawyers for both men. The HORSE game is scheduled to take place later in the month, and it will be televised live by TNT and sister station TBS on most cable networks. Date and time will be announced within the week.

Shaq Casted For Kazaam Sequel

LOS ANGELES, California–

When Hollywood comes calling you’ve got to answer, right? That is the case for former NBA basketball player Shaquille O’Neal, who has been cast in the lead role in the sequel to the movie Kazaam. If you don’t remember the movie Kazaam, your parents probably loved you too much to let you see the movie. The plot of the film was that a 5,000 year-old genie appears from a magic boombox to grant a boy three wishes. Shaq played the role of Kazaam, and if you thought he was bad at the free throw line, then you should have seen his acting.

The movie didn’t get the best reviews, and the memory has kind of fizzled from our generation’s mind, until this breaking news hit. It is unclear when the movie will be released, but casting and production are already underway. So far Shaq is the only known name to be cast in the film, and other actors are turning down auditions left and right.

“This movie is going to be the best thing for my career to date. If I had three wishes as a human being, 3 out of 3 would be to make this Kazaam sequel. Luckily, I don’t need a genie to grant me this wish.” said Shaq.

“This is going to be my crowing achievement, and when people hear my name they will remember me for the dramatic, but funny role I played as Kazaam. If I had this chance earlier in my career to do a sequel, I may have quit the NBA all together.  Lebron can keep his silly rings, I’m going for Emmys.” said Shaq.