Tag Archives: Roger Goodell

New NFL Rule Makes It A Penalty To Touch Quarterback

empire-sports-no-hitting-qb-nfl-ruleDENVER, Colorado–

The NFL has taken on a wide new series of rules, and regulations to provide the safest game for their players. Even using new technology to create better equipment to provide a safer game has been going on for the past few years. With the new rules we have witnessed flags for hits that use to be okay, and people getting fined for playing the way they were taught how to play.

With the concussion controversy it was clear that at some point the National Football League would take the step in this direction. Starting the 2014 season it will be a 15 yard penalty and possible ejection if a defense player even touches the opposing quarterback.

The rule was put into place to protect franchise QBs from getting hurt and not being able to play. The officials have decided that a hurt QB can end a season for a team, and owners felt that losing a high salary player would be a tremendous waste of team money.

The new rule will be called “Touching the Passer” and even the slightest bit of contact will draw a flag. Classes have already begun in Denver, Colorado for NFL referees to learn what is okay, and not okay when dealing with touching the passer.

“Basically you can’t even touch the QB, your only hope is to chase him out of bounds” said an NFL ref.

“Once the QB is being pursued he has to either throw the ball or take a slid. I’m not positive how many QBs will take advantage of this new rule, and just run for 80 yards, but I feel like it will be a lot”

The rule has been sent to each team in the NFL, and certain teams are already tuning up their play books, a lot of quarterback keeps may be in our future.


Johnny Manziel Planning To Skip NFL Draft To Host Huge Draft Party

empire-sports-johnny-manziel-skips-nfl-draft-party-nycCOLLEGE STATION, TEXAS-

Johnny Manziel is no stranger to controversy, so news about his upcoming NFL draft party should not shock the masses. The kid has a knack for getting attention on the football field and off of it as well. The NFL network was informed this morning that Manziel would not be in attendance for the live draft show, since it conflicted with his draft party he is hosting in Texas. Needless to say, the NFL is, for lack of a better word, pissed. Roger Goodell better get him some Valium in preparation for the next few years that he is going to be dealing with J-Football.

The NFL network has never had such a high profile draftee just snub the draft event. Most players spend a sack full of cash to buy a suit to make sure they look their best while walking on stage to start their new status as millionaire ballers. Evidently all that pomp and circumstance is not that important to Manziel. According to his publicist, whom he may or may not be sleeping with on occasion, Manziel feels like he needs to be at his own draft party more than the official draft TV set. “Johnny knows he will be drafted in the top ten and maybe even go #1 if the Texans have any balls at all. So his time will be much better spent entertaining guests at his party. It is going to be epic,” his publicist told us. She went on for a good twenty minutes about the live bands scheduled to appear and she was really excited about the other live entertainment, which included dolphins and pornstars. Epic indeed.

The NFL network may be upset with the Texas A&M legend but ESPN is very happy with the young QB. The party is going to be covered live on ESPN 2 and the network believes its coverage will take some ratings away from the NFL’s live draft show. “NFL fans do love the live draft, but after a few picks it gets a little mundane. We feel like the American public will be easily pulled away from the draft once we promote Manziel’s party, which will include potential sex, violence, and rain making activities,” John Anderson of Sportcenter told us. Anderson knows quite a bit about getting good TV ratings for degenerate content, as he has hosted ABC’s Wipeout for a few years now.

Sources tell us that Roger Goodell is trying to get Manziel suspended for six games to start 2014, because of this disrespectful act. He is looking for a loophole in the “conduct detrimental to the league” rule to get back at Manziel. If the dictator of the NFL succeeds, Manziel could drop out of the top 10 in the draft. Teams do not need to start the year off with a suspended QB. In response to this threat of a suspension, Manziel’s lawyer released a statement that said simply, “Let the old man try a suspension, we got money too. As a matter of fact Mr. Manziel may just blow off training camp….just for the hell of it.”

NFL To Take After NHL Hockey, Starting Use of “Penalty Box”

NEW YORK, New York – 

In a shocking move today, the NFL announced that the 2015 season will incorporate a “penalty box” for players who are flagged for fighting or other infractions during gameplay. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced the change to a group of players, coaches, and sports writers in a closed conference Monday morning.

“As all fans of the NFL and football in general know, we are the laughingstock of the sports world. For years we have tried to portray ourselves as hardcore athletes, the best of the best, all the while knowing that our players generally don’t have to run for more than 20 feet at a time, and that plays usually don’t last for more than 45 seconds before action is stopped, and the players stand around doing nothing.” Goodell said, with signs of tears forming. “Our boys play anywhere from 17 to 19 times a year, and that’s it. We need to toughen them up. So it is with this in mind, that we have instituted some changes to our calendars, and to our policies.”

Goodell went on to explain that fighting would now be just a short, 5-minute stint in the penalty box, and it would be encouraged by coaches during gameplay.

“We know that the NHL leads the way in real tough-guy sports. They fight, they punch, they’ve even stabbed each other with their skates – and all they get is a couple minutes in a box. A box where they can gloat and cheer and get the fans behind them. That’s what we need in the NFL. Understandably, this is a big change from our current standing on the matter, where a player who fights on the field could be fined hundreds of thousands of dollars and possibly even fired. But damnit, this is the NFL, and we’re supposed to be MEN here!” Goodall bellowed to those in attendance.

He continued by saying that all stadiums were going to be required to build boxes on either side of the field, in a 7’x7′ area. The box is to be encased in plexiglass, and players should definitely punch, headbutt, and bang on it as often as possible when sent to the box during a game.

Players commented after the conference, stating that it was a great idea and a nice change to the game.

“It’s about time this sport toughened up a bit. This is definitely going to make this game more of the bloodsport that it always portrayed itself as, but could never really be because of stupid rules,” said a player for the Denver Broncos who wished to remain anonymous. “I can’t wait to get out there and crack some freakin’ heads.”

The new changes also included a much larger calendar for the seasons, which will now begin in August and end in March, with each team playing at least 5 times a week, for a total of 150 games per team, not including post-season games.

During the questioning period after the announcement, Goodell was asked about the possibility of these new rule and schedule changes increasing the already terrifying statistics of brain injury and concussions associated with professional football.

“Yeah, probably,” he said. “But damn if it won’t be a better game to watch now, huh?”


Michael Sam To Star In Gay Porn Version Of “Mandingo”

empire-sports-michael-sam-gay-porn-mandingo-nfl-scoutNEW YORK CITY—

On the verge of becoming the NFL’s first openly gay player, Michael Sam continues to push the envelope by announcing his intention to star in a gay porn version of the salacious Civil War-era sex-fest, “Mandingo.” Sam will reportedly play the lead role of Mede, a run-down plantation’s most virile breeding buck, portrayed in the original by former heavyweight boxing champ Ken Norton.

Sam’s agent, Cameron Weiss, was candid about his client’s ambitious decision.

“Michael’s greatest attributes are not always seen on the field,” said Weiss. “In fact, if you really want to see him perform, don’t miss this film.”

Last month, leaked pictures, allegedly of Sam’s penis, went viral on the Internet, and caused a sensation at the NFL Scouting Combine. Weiss denied the penis in question belonged to Sam, but a former lover, speaking on the condition of anonymity, was unequivocal about his opinion.

“Oh, that’s definitely Michael,” said the source. “I’d recognize his sausage anywhere.”

The situation took another bizarre turn when several Internet websites claimed to possess footage of Sam at the NFL Scouting Combine walking around with an erection. While this is impossible to determine with any degree of accuracy, if Sam wasn’t fully engorged, he is, without question, one of the most gifted men in North America.

NFL scouts don’t have an issue with Sam’s homosexual lifestyle, but have expressed concern about the tremendous girth of his massive unit. The prevailing wisdom among league GMs is that Sam’s potential teammates might be intimidated by the sheer size of the appendage.

Speaking off the record, one longtime league executive said this: “Nobody cares what somebody does in the privacy of their own home, but these guys have to shower together. The fear of many general managers is when other players get a look at that thing, they may very well quit the game.”

Another NFL insider claims that Sam’s purple-headed warrior dwarfs that of NFL Hall of Famer Marcus Allen, who was affectionately referred to by teammates as “Driftwood.” Allen was believed to have possessed the largest penis in NFL history before Sam burst onto the scene.

Regarding the film, Sam will play opposite well-endowed gay porn stars Navin Steed and T-Bone Johnson, and producer Abe Shapiro boasts that the movie climaxes with a cotton field orgy he described as, “Homeric.”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell would not comment on the film but did say he has been advised by others to wear a protective cup if he plans to hug Sam on draft day.


Roger Goodell Secretly Eying Exit Strategy; Planning NFL Retirement

NFL: Annual MeetingsNEW YORK CITY—

If anyone doubted the sincerity of NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, when it comes to player safety, he appears to be walking the walk. Goodell has been advocating NFL player safety ever since head injuries came to the forefront a couple of years ago. He has implemented many new rules that he says are designed to protect the NFL workforce, however many cynics say the commish is just covering the NFL’s corporate ass against future litigation. The critics allege that Goodell is only putting on a dog and pony show to create the appearance of a safety conscious league.

Secret memos were uncovered this week that show just how serious Roger Goodell is about NFL player safety. These private papers reveal how the commissioner plans to quit his position in approximately 18 months. According to the details, Goodell thinks that will be just enough time for him to completely destroy the National Football League. Apparently all of the new rules implemented to protect the players are also supposed to “make the game so unwatchable that the common barbaric NFL fan simply finds something better to do with their free time”. “Closing down the NFL is the only real way to protect football players”, was stated in numerous memos. The papers make it clear that the commissioner never believed the safety rules would affect any real change.

This revelation does make practical sense when you really dig deeper. If a smart guy like Goodell really believed these hits aimed at players’ heads were so dangerous, why would he think penalties and fines would fix that problem? A flag will not reverse a concussion. A $25,000 fine will not undo the damage that will show up in the future. Clearly, Roger Goodell knows these rules are not the best thing for player safety. He, being a compassionate human being, knows that true player safety can only happen when football is no more. I for one applaud his act of kindness. It is taking some serious stones to walk away from his salary of $44 million  a year and destroy a 10 billion dollar a year corporation. I, for one, applaud Goodell for taking a stand for mankind no matter the financial cost to him or America at large. This country needs more altruistic people like Roger Goodell.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell Wants To Penalize Sacks

Empire-Sports-Roger-GoodellNEW YORK, NY-

If you think the recent trend in NFL rules changes to improve player safety have been killing football you unfortunately haven’t seen anything yet.

I remember a few years ago seeing a sack mistakenly called roughing the passer in an NFL game.  According to a source inside the NFL, who wishes to remain anonymous, if Roger Goodell gets his way this will be an actual penalty, although not a personal foul.

This newest idea on how to protect football’s most important position is sure to stir quite a bit of controversy.

What Mr. Goodell wants is for a sack to be a ten yard spot foul that results in a gain for the offense, but does not negate the play. If this proposed rule is implemented a sack for a loss of five yards on first down would give offenses a second and five to work with instead of having to go fifteen yards in the next two plays. He also wants to put in a standard five thousand dollar fine in conjunction with the penalty. This makes me wonder whether Mr. Goodell believes offensive players have any responsibility to look out for their own safety. I also fear for what this rule change would do in changing the game to.

Even if the proposed rule is shot down, which I hope and pray happens, the fact that this is even being considered reveals how much the game may change in an attempt to avoid future lawsuits under the topic of player safety.

To Kick Or Not To Kick: The NFL’s New PAT Rule

Rob Ryan may get some playing time this year.
Rob Ryan may get some playing time this year.

Recently Roger Goodell has been contemplating whether or not the NFL should do away with point after the touchdown kicks.  Well it seems a decision has been made.

Starting in the preseason next year the PAT will be kicked by an assistant coach of the other teams choice, but hold on this is not as bad as it may at first seem.  It will obviously be more entertaining because the PAT will be worth two points and will be kicked from the sideline like in rugby.  This is a good move by Goodell because it will create job opportunities for former kickers as assistant coaches.   Also this will increase the chance of two point conversions because, seriously, who wants their 300 pound line coach kicking a critical PAT in the final seconds of a playoff game? Can anyone really picture Rob Ryan (AKA Sampson) kicking a PAT even if the Saints play in the Superdome?

Overall though good job Goodell you have made the game more interesting for me the rest of the NFL.

Brett Favre’s Back With A New Sex Tape Scandal

Favre took heat for sending pics to Jenn Sterger, now he's taking it all off.
Favre took heat for texting nude pics to Jenn Sterger, now he’s taking it off for the world.

Remember the good ole Brett Favre? Every young boys hero, and one of the best players to ever set foot on the football field. Favre has been brought back into the media spotlight today, with his new sex tape he released this Monday, featuring NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.

The sex tape has over 1.6 million views on Favre’s website, and has gained Favre over 100,000 followers on twitter over the last day.

Favre has yet to make a public announcement on this issue, but for Goodell, who has made numerous statements to the press, stating that he is planning to step down, and let Cowboys owner Jerry Jones take over the entire NFL organization. Jerry Jones has recently spoken to the media stating that he plans to eliminate all NFL teams besides the NFC East, and also wants to eliminate all kickers and punters. During all of this mayhem unfolding due to one sex tape that Favre released, it has gotten worse. Favre released a new sex tape starring Mark Sanchez an hour ago titled ” The real butt fumble”, and has sent the world into complete shock.

Favre surprisingly has gained more supporters across all of this, while the NFL is slowly crumbling away as new NFL commissioner Jerry Jones, plans to eliminate more positions and teams by the minute. The NFL is losing many fans, and for the first time in history the WNBA has grown popular and holds more season ticket holders than all the NFL.

This is a sad day in sports, and a sad day for the NFL.