CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA-
It was a great day to be outside this past Saturday in North Carolina, for some at least. One child may have decided to stay in his house if he knew what he was about to face that afternoon.
Billy Thomas age 6 and 1/2, had a birthday party that Saturday at a local mini putt golf course by his house. He invited all of his friends from class, and even a crush he had in another school. Reports tell us that Billy was so excited for the event he couldn’t sleep the night before.
Things were going great until pro golfer Tiger Woods showed up to the course completely out of the blue. When first arriving the kids of the party began cheering, and greeting Woods like a hero. Then, a source tells us Woods said this sentence “I’m not here for fans, I’m here to play”.
Woods sunk a hole in one on the very first par, and began to mock the children to try to get on his level. He continued to completely destroy these poor children on the course, even eating Billy’s very last piece of cake. “Cake is for winners” said Woods “I felt really good about how I played today, I felt like everything was going my way, and to be honest the competition here didn’t have a chance. Granted, some of them had to quit because it was nap time, I’m still feeling good about how I played.”
With this win Tiger did not only break a new record at the course, he is also the new proud owner of a golf ball he got to keep for winning, and a free ice cream sundae with two toppings.
“I know they say I can only get two topping of the sundae, but come I’m Tiger f**king Woods!”
The Sixers are breaking records this season, but not at all in a positive way. With only 15 wins this season Philadelphia fans are doing what they do best, and completely giving up on them. “Andy Reid is a bum, and the 76ers need a new coach” said one drunk angry fan.
The only thing the team has hopes on this season is to break the current record for longest losing streak by an NBA team. The Cleveland Cavaliers lost 26 straight games in the 2010–11 season, but players on the Sixers are optimistic that if they stay focused they can hold the next title of longest streak of games lost.
“It takes a lot of focus, and you have to play each game with the right mindset. It’s tough though to have to shoot once in a while, and sometimes the ball happens to go into the hoop. Do that enough and you win a game, which is not what we are trying to do.” said Nerlens Noel.
It has also been rumored that if the Sixers accomplish this goal, and continue to do terrible, they will retire the franchise completely. This meaning that there will no longer be an NBA team in Philadelphia, which for some could mean at least a few months without disappointment.
“Phillies suck, Eagles suck, and the Sixers suck” said the owner of the NBA team. You know you can learn a lot from Philadelphia teams, they disappoint people in such a way there is almost an art to it, I’m just happy my team can follow trade. If we have the worst season in NBA history we would want to just give up there, and remain the worse team of all time, it would be an honor if we can pull this off”.