Tag Archives: races

NASCAR Sick Of Jokes, Decides To Have Cars Race Tracks In Opposite Direction

empire-sports-nascar-race-backwardsDALLAS, Texas – 

After years of jokes and ribbing about their drivers only being able to “drive 200MPH to the left,” and other “left-centric” jokes, NASCAR has made the decision that for the next several years, all their major events in every city will be raced around the track in the opposite direction. With this new system, they hope to erase once and for all the years of ridicule and jokes, constantly made by everyone from professional stand-up comedians all the way down to Joe the dishwasher at your local Denny’s.

“It is our firm belief that our drivers are some of the best athletes in the world. They are in top physical condition, and their skills behind the wheel are impeccable. We at NASCAR have decided to prove that our drivers can do more than just make left-hand turns for 7 hours at a time. We want to show that they can also make right-hand turns for 7 hours at a time.” Said Mike Helton, president of NASCAR corporation. “This is an exciting day for all of NASCAR, racing, and our Budweiser-chugging group of fans.”

There has been some question raised since the announcement whether or not the stock cars are actually able to even turn to the right, and mechanics for many of the top drivers have been hard at work for hours or even days checking and re-checking the cars, making sure that the wheels can and do, in fact, turn to the right.

“We don’t want any surprises come race day.” Said Brett Motoil, lead pit crew supervisor for popular NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt, Jr. “We have been through this car with a fine-tooth comb, and we see no reason whatsoever that the car would have any issue steering to the right. At this point, it’s all going to be up to the drivers to make that magic happen.”

Fans of the sport are divided on the subject, many wishing that they would just keep things the way they are.

“My wife and I have been going to Loudon now for close to 20 years, and we always had perfect seats. In fact, if you look close, you can see the spots where our asses have formed little sags in the bleachers over the years, right next to the giant rectangle for my beer cooler. This whole thing where the cars are gonna be goin’ the other way is just horsesh*t.” Said Butch Hartack, a resident of Buxton, Maine. “I’m going to have to go sit on the complete other side of the bleachers now to see everything. I liked my seats. This is just the worst.”

NASCAR representatives had no further comment at the time of this writing.