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San Antonio Spurs Star Tim Duncan Forced to Sign Up for ObamaCare

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empire-sports-tim-duncan-forced-obamacare-affordable-care-actSAN ANTONIO, TEXAS—

San Antonio Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich is up in arms after the Spurs’ medical staff received news today that aged Spurs star Tim Duncan will have to sign up for the Affordable Care Act (ObamaCare), or face financial penalties. The hall of fame power forward has played his entire NBA career without medical insurance.

Popovich called the move “unconstitutional”, and added, “NBA commissioner Adam Silver is a coward for not intervening. I rest my veteran players adequately, so they are rarely injured. I do not need big brother Barack telling me how to coach my team.” Popovich then hissed at a camera man who was snapping his photo, and retreated to what appeared to be a coffin.

The decision has sparked controversy around the league, with some saying since Duncan was born in a U.S. territory, which is not technically the U.S., he shouldn’t be eligible for coverage. Even Duncan’s longtime teammate Tony Parker, who is French, questioned Duncan receiving coverage through the Affordable Care Act. “He’s not really American. As an illegal immigrant myself, I recognize ObamaCare should be reserved for U.S. born citizens,” said Parker as he bit into a baguette.

Duncan could not be reached for comment, as he was in the middle of his daily five hour massage session.

 

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President Obama Admits Losing $800 Betting On Miami Heat Game; Republicans Outraged

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empire-sports-president-obama-loses-bet-miami-heat-john-mccain-paul-ryan-upsetIn a conversation on Monday, President Obama said that he had made a friendly wager on a Miami Heat basketball game which cost him $800.  

When asked about the bet by a member of the media the President shrugged it off, reaffirming that it was, “just a friendly bet between friends.”

However, several Republican lawmakers have expressed outrage over the bet, including Arizona Senator John McCain and former GOP Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan.

The legality of sports betting is not the issue that has the GOP up in arms.  According to Senator McCain, it sends a bad message to the poor and middle class in the country.

“The President is already gambling with our health care system and now he’s literally gambling with tax payer money,” said McCain.  “It’s an outrage. The President is not setting a good example for the country.”

Paul Ryan added, “We have mounds of debt, the country is on a path to bankruptcy, the Republican Party is worried about saving this country while the President is throwing money away.”