Tag Archives: North Korea

Kim Jong-Un to Play for North Korean Soccer Team in World Cup

June 26, 2014 JP Leave a comment

PYONGYANG, North Korea –

The FIFA World Cup has officially kicked off, and teams are eager to represent their nations. Most politicians sit back and hope for the best for the team representing their country, but others are not as content to sit on the sidelines. Kim Jong-Un has announced that he will be taking the spot of goalie for the North Korean soccer team during their time in the World Cup. The announcement was only made today, but tensions have already risen between Jong-Un and his new teammates.

“I was told he would be on the team, and if we lost, we lost a finger.” Said a team member who wished to remain anonymous. “I am not sure how to play with that kind of stress.”

It is unclear if Jong-un has any experience in the soccer world, but in the confidence department he is doing very well.

“I will kick the ball, or grab it, or stop it. It should be simple. I am a very complex man, so this will be easy.” Said Jong-Un. “No one in North Korea would ever tell me no, so I do what I want, and I want to be a goalie.”

Jong-Un is scheduled to play in North Korea’s next match, and fans of his in North Korea, as well as soccer fans in other countries, are anxious to see how his skills fare against the best players in the world.

“I fear nothing, if a man wants to kick or throw his balls at me, I have no fear. I have taken harder hits in life, and this is a sport that I feel that I can dominant in.” Said Jong-Un.

It has been reported that Jong-Un will be receiving the highest salary in the team’s history, and his other teammates have decided to take a pay cut to have him on the team. The pay cut was forced, but Jong-Un claims he is proud of his players for staying so modest.

Headlines, News, Olympics

2016 Summer Olympics To Be Held In North Korea

June 10, 2014 Brent Gilmore Leave a comment

Pyongyang, North Korea –

The Olympics is a tourist jackpot that all countries throughout the world pray to be able to host. The location for the 2016 Summer Olympic Games was announced last week, with the Olympic committee choosing North Korea as host.

North Korea President Kim Jong Un has told the press he is very excited to host the Olympics, but also plans to prevent any citizen from the United States from entering the country to participate. Not stopping at just the US though, Kim Jong Un has said he will completely close his borders throughout the games, making the Olympics only available to North Korea’s teams.

Retired basketball player Dennis Rodman, who is a friend of Kim Jong Un’s, had recently tried talking him into re-opening the event to all countries, but negotiations were unsuccessful. Sources say Rodman actually made matters worse trying to talk Kim Jong Un, and it started a heated battle. The violent dictator reportedly felt threatened during his talk with Rodman, and took him as a hostage.

The U.S. government decided not to respond to the hostage situation though, as President Barack Obama reiterated the U.S.’ standard position on not negotiating with terrorists.

“Not to mention that [we] couldn’t care less if Dennis Rodman died.” Said Obama.

As it looks as though there will be no progress made in forcing Kim Jong Un to reverse his decision and re-open the Olympics to all competitors, many teams from every corner of the globe are planning a protest to the Olympic committee directly, hoping to get them to have the games be hosted by another, more peaceful, country.

“We are too afraid of Kim and what he might do if we change our minds and try to back out of having the games in his country.” Said Olympic committee chairman Richard Kimball. “We feel at this point it would just be best to let North Korea have this one, and we’ll try to pick a better location for the 2020 games. It’s probably the only chance they’ll ever have of winning medals anyway.”

Headlines, MMA, News

UFC Approves Barb Wire Octagon In Certain Countries

June 2, 2014 kctinman Leave a comment

LAS VEGAS– In a move that is meant to boost its TV ratings, the UFC has stirred up some major controversy as well. Dana White announced this morning that they have gotten barb wire Octagons approved in certain countries. The cages will be lined with sharp barb wire, like is used to contain cattle and goats. He stated that there were several countries that are on board with the new, more dangerous UFC cage fights. Some of the notable / infamous countries are North Korea, Somalia, and Zimbabwe. The countries which are going to allow the barbaric cage fights all meet two requirements from the UFC; be basically lawless and need revenue.

White’s reason for upping the ante on the danger level of the MMA fights is simple. “We want to grow the sport, period. The best way to do that is to make fights available in more countries across the globe, and make them more exciting. Barb wire Octagons will draw fans from the worst places on earth. We have to provide next level blood lust,” said White.

Dana White has made it no secret that the UFC wants to take away some NFL fans who are put off by the new safety conscious football league. Even if he is successful in pulling in only 2% of NFL fans who are fed up with the pussification of pro football, that would mean billions of dollars over time.

Getting this new Octagon designed has not been without its challenges. Obviously, you cannot have these types of fights in the USA or any civilized country for that matter. And finding a good company to construct such cages meant to trap two human combatants, has proved difficult, as no reputable company wants to be connected with this activity. Ultimately Haliburton took on the contract for the UFC. Also, former WWE superstar and master of the barb wire match, Mick Foley, has been the main consultant on the cage design. The UFC wanted an expert to make sure the Octagon was designed properly and that referees were properly trained, all to ensure maximum damage was possible to each fighter.

White did an interview over the phone with Bill O’Reilly concerning the barb wire UFC fights. O’Reilly asked a poignant question of the UFC President, “People are saying these new matches are inhumane and furthermore that you are perpetuating the notion that the UFC is basically human cock-fighting. What say you?” “Don’t give a fu*k,” White said before ending the interview and hanging up.

We will have to see how this all plays out. While it is true that the NFL is becoming softer than soccer, I am not sure that barb wire UFC battles are the answer. The ratings will determine what wins out in the end. Will fans go for the reduced violence of the NFL or will they turn their attention to the bloody battles of UFC barb wire matches in the darkest corners of the earth?