Tag Archives: NHL

Kellog’s Releasing Cereals Featuring Branded Sports Teams

May 31, 2014 whoisgrimm Leave a comment

BATTLE CREEK, Michigan –

When it comes to sports related cereals, General Mills’ Wheaties cereal has always been the #1 contender. They have been putting sports teams and individual sports stars on their boxes for generations. The Kellog company is looking to change the face of the sports-food world though, as this morning they announced a new line of cereal and breakfast bars featuring branded sports teams.

Kellog’s has said they are hoping to finally steal the spotlight away from General Mills and their Wheaties cereal, turning kids on to something “more fun” to eat and “with way more taste.”

“We don’t believe that the cereal you are eating should taste like the box it comes in, and that’s why were are creating this new line of sports-releated cereals and breakfast bars.” Said James Jenness, chairman of the Kellog Company. “We know there are other cereals out there making money off sports stars, Olympians, and certain teams, and they’ve created a monopoly on it. We’re tired of it. We want our cereals to be great tasting, fun to eat, but also to have great sports heroes on every box for the kids to look up to and learn about.”

Jenness says that the boxes of the cereals and bars will all have branded sports teams covering all major sports leagues, including BOSOX-Os (Boston Red Sox, MLB), MAPLE LEAF MUNCHIES (Toronto Maple Leafs, NHL), PACKER POWER BARS (Green Bay Packers, NFL), and WORLD SERIES WONDER PUFFS (New York Yankees, MLB), to name a few. So far, most of the major teams in each sport have signed off on use of logos and player likenesses.

Each box will contain sports stats on the team and history of some their most famous players. Also on each box will be a QR code that can be scanned with any smartphone which will take you to a Kellog’s website with even more information on the team, options for purchasing apparel, tickets to upcoming games, and coupons for use on future purchases of other cereals in the new sports line, dubbed K-Teams.

“We wanted to take breakfast and jazz it up, and we really feel we’ve accomplished something great with K-Teams. I’m really excited for everyone to be able to try these new cereals and bars. They’re really great. Collect them all!” said Jenness.

The entire K-Teams line of cereals and bars are scheduled to be released in the fall of this year.

News, NHL

NHL: Anaheim Ducks Seek New Head Coach; Court Emilio Estevez

May 17, 2014 whoisgrimm Leave a comment

ANAHEIM, California –

In an announcement this morning from the Anaheim Ducks’ general manager Bob Murray, the team has decided to part ways with current head coach Bruce Boudreau, and is seeking to replace him with a curious choice – actor Emilio Estevez.

The Anaheim Ducks started as a franchise in 1993, then known as the Anaheim Might Ducks, after being founded by the Walt Disney corporation. Disney, who later sold the team, based their club around their 1993 children’s hockey film The Mighty Ducks. In the film, Estevez plays a drunken lawyer who is (curiously) forced to perform community service as a pee-wee hockey coach after being arrested for DUI. Like most Disney sports movies, the rag-tag group of kids all eventually come together to win The Big Game in the end. Estevez, of course, learns the value of sportsmanship, and the credits roll.

Apparently Estevez acting as a hockey coach makes him the perfect candidate to coach the real Ducks now.

“Over 20 years ago, Emilio Estevez showed the world that he could be an amazing hockey coach when he played Gordon Bombay in The Mighty Ducks series. He turned a bunch of misfit kids into a team, and that team went on to beat their rivals and win the championship. Then he did it again the following year when the movie version of the Ducks took on teams from all over the world.” Said Anaheim owner Henry Samueli. “We want Mr. Estevez to come on board as the coach of our real Ducks now, and take them all the way to a Stanley Cup championship.”

Estevez, who is a lifelong hockey fan, has no real experience coaching a team, professional or otherwise. In response to the offer, Estevez did say he would ‘consider the job.’

“I have never coached in my life.” Said Estevez in a statement released to the Associated Press. “I played a coach a few times. I’ve played a lot of things, from cops to criminals, to coaches, to a buns-taping jock in the Breakfast Club. As far as I recall, this is the first time anyone has ever offered me a job based on a role I once played. I would be a fool not to consider it.”

As part of the change, the Ducks are also going to be altering their name, reverting back to The Mighty Ducks, which they are now saying should never have been changed in the first place.

“We miss the name, we miss the ‘mighty.’ We definitely miss winning games. It’s been a few years now, so we’d like to have that happen again.” Said Ryan Getziaf, current team captain. “If Emilo Estevez wants to give up his long-forgotten Hollywood career to come and coach us, then that’s fantastic. I’ve always wanted to learn the triple-deke.”

Fans of the Anaheim Ducks had no comment, because no member of the press could find anyone admitting to caring about the team.

News, NHL

NHL To Dye Ice Black, Use White Pucks To Make TV Viewing Easier

May 13, 2014 whoisgrimm Leave a comment

empire-sports-hockey-ice-black-dying-ice-arena-NHL — This digital mock-up shows the plans for all arenas in the NHL circuit. All ice will be dyed the color of a 14 year old goth girl’s bedroom.

After decades of complaining by fans, the NHL has decided to make some drastic changes to their arenas across the U.S. and Canada: They are finally going to dye the ice black for better television viewing.

In a press release that was sent to news outlets this morning, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman announced the change, which he says will “better suit the NHL viewers at home and in the stands.”

“As we all know as hockey fans, NHL games are fast-paced and often hard to follow. Generally there is a lot of movement happening very quickly, and really the only reaction time is when a team scores a goal.” Said Bettman in his statement. “Since sometimes full periods go by without any scoring, we really want to give the fans something to watch and be excited for. Reversing the colors of the ice and the puck will make it far, far easier to watch the games and follow along with the action.”

The changes will take effect for the 2015 NHL season, and some arenas are already beginning the change currently. What the new policies will put into place is the dying of the ice from the normal color, which is a foggy white or blueish-white, to straight black. The logos and lines on the ice will stay in their normal colors, and the pucks will change to white from black. This will make it infinitely easier for TV cameras to pick up the movement of the puck as it is slapped across the ice, making fans at home feel like they can actually follow along.

Players who were interviewed about the changes this afternoon were ambivalent with the changes, saying that as long as the ice is maintained to its current standards, they were okay with it. Even NHL legend Wayne Gretzky was quoted as saying he thought the change would be great.

“A lot of guys, they get knocked around so much out there, they’re losing vision, everything is blurry. This will certainly help improve the games not only for the fans, but the players, too!” Said Gretzky.

With any luck, if the idea of the dyed ice takes off, we can look forward to the “blacklight” games to be played the following year, during the 2016 season. Those games would be played under 70s-style black lights in all arenas, causing the entire ice, puck, and player jerseys to glow. So far, that idea is in planning stages, and will depend on how well the current changes work. No word on whether the arena would also be retrofitted with Black Sabbath or Bob Marley posters as well.

Headlines, News, NHL

Justin Bieber Facing Deportation After Fight At NHL Playoff Game

May 6, 2014 whoisgrimm Leave a comment

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

During game 5 of the Boston Bruin’s first round of playoff games, there were plenty of stars on the ice to bring home a win over the Detroit Red Wings, 4-2. In the stands, though, there was another big star – and he wouldn’t stop running his mouth around the entirely wrong crowd.

Canadian teen pop-star Justin Bieber was given tickets to the game by his management, because as a Canadian it is required that he like hockey. This being a playoff game in Boston, though, it was a horrible idea for Bieber to have an attitude towards Bruins hockey fans.

“He was drunk, screaming at the Bruins players, banging on the glass.” Said Willy Cherie, a Boston fan who was sitting a row behind Bieber. “We paid good money for our seats, and we wanted to see Boston destroy Detroit, and here’s this dumb ass kid, who got in for free I’m sure, and he’s yelling, calling the players names, calling all the fans around him names…he really was out of his mind drunk.”

According to reports, Bieber, who is not even old enough to drink in the United States, arrived at the game drunk, and was denied beer at the concession stand. At some point during the game, members of his posse were able to procure Bieber some unknown alcohol in a flask, and it wasn’t long before the pansy lightweight was completely obliterated.

During a break in action during the 2nd period, Bieber allegedly called a Boston fan sitting near him a “fat ass pice of s**t,” and shoved the fan because he was wearing a Bruins jersey. The fan, whose first name is Tom but whose last name has not been released for privacy reasons, punched Bieber across the face, and was immediately tackled by members of Bieber’s security team, who were posed as other fans seated near him. They allegedly threw him to the ground, where they held him down so Bieber could get a few punches and kicks in, because it would be impossible for him to ever hit someone in a fair fight.

“…And then they all took off in a hell of hurry.” Said Bryan Camden, another witness at the game. “After people around realized what was happening, they ran towards Bieber’s crew, ready to pull them off the poor guy, but the jerks saw everyone coming at them and got out of there.”

Security at the TD Garden, where the game was being held, brought Tom to the medical station, where it was found he had a broken rib and wrist, as well as bruises to most of his face and neck.

Within just an hour, Bieber and three members of his security team were found and arrested where they were brought to Boston Police headquarters for booking. A week later, the members of security (who were all US citizens) are still in jail, not able to pay their bail, and Bieber is scheduled to go before a judge in the Massachusetts Commonwealth District Court, were he will face an almost likely deportation to Canada.

Herbert R. Chipper, the lawyer representing the Commonwealth, gave a brief statement to the press on Tuesday, where he stated that he had a “good feeling” that they would finally be able to rid the U.S. of Bieber.

“Young Bieber has had several arrests in this country since he became a prominent figure. He’s had issues with drinking, marijuana, speeding, car accidents, fights – and this one tops it all.” Said Chipper in his statement. “Normally deportation is reserved for violent cases, such as rape or murder, but when you’re a pompous prick who has the singing talent of a walrus in heat, we will throw anything we can at you to make sure you never set foot on our great land again. That’s how we got rid of Bryan Adams, too.”

Tom the fan is preparing a lawsuit against the pop singer, but so far neither he nor his lawyers have cited any specifics. Bieber has a scheduled hearing for Wednesday, and is currently out on $20,000 bail. If deported, it is unclear whether he will face any jail time in his native Canada, or if they’ll just forget all aboot it, eh?

Headlines, News, NFL

NFL To Take After NHL Hockey, Starting Use of “Penalty Box”

April 25, 2014 whoisgrimm Leave a comment

NEW YORK, New York –

In a shocking move today, the NFL announced that the 2015 season will incorporate a “penalty box” for players who are flagged for fighting or other infractions during gameplay. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced the change to a group of players, coaches, and sports writers in a closed conference Monday morning.

“As all fans of the NFL and football in general know, we are the laughingstock of the sports world. For years we have tried to portray ourselves as hardcore athletes, the best of the best, all the while knowing that our players generally don’t have to run for more than 20 feet at a time, and that plays usually don’t last for more than 45 seconds before action is stopped, and the players stand around doing nothing.” Goodell said, with signs of tears forming. “Our boys play anywhere from 17 to 19 times a year, and that’s it. We need to toughen them up. So it is with this in mind, that we have instituted some changes to our calendars, and to our policies.”

Goodell went on to explain that fighting would now be just a short, 5-minute stint in the penalty box, and it would be encouraged by coaches during gameplay.

“We know that the NHL leads the way in real tough-guy sports. They fight, they punch, they’ve even stabbed each other with their skates – and all they get is a couple minutes in a box. A box where they can gloat and cheer and get the fans behind them. That’s what we need in the NFL. Understandably, this is a big change from our current standing on the matter, where a player who fights on the field could be fined hundreds of thousands of dollars and possibly even fired. But damnit, this is the NFL, and we’re supposed to be MEN here!” Goodall bellowed to those in attendance.

He continued by saying that all stadiums were going to be required to build boxes on either side of the field, in a 7’x7′ area. The box is to be encased in plexiglass, and players should definitely punch, headbutt, and bang on it as often as possible when sent to the box during a game.

Players commented after the conference, stating that it was a great idea and a nice change to the game.

“It’s about time this sport toughened up a bit. This is definitely going to make this game more of the bloodsport that it always portrayed itself as, but could never really be because of stupid rules,” said a player for the Denver Broncos who wished to remain anonymous. “I can’t wait to get out there and crack some freakin’ heads.”

The new changes also included a much larger calendar for the seasons, which will now begin in August and end in March, with each team playing at least 5 times a week, for a total of 150 games per team, not including post-season games.

During the questioning period after the announcement, Goodell was asked about the possibility of these new rule and schedule changes increasing the already terrifying statistics of brain injury and concussions associated with professional football.

“Yeah, probably,” he said. “But damn if it won’t be a better game to watch now, huh?”

Headlines, News

Not Again, Jordan! Michael Jordan Returns For Third Time

February 9, 2014 Andris Kirsis Leave a comment

DES MOINES, IOWA–.

Well, he’s done it again. Not with baseball, not with basketball, but with hockey. Apparently the man just can’t quit.

The legend of the Chicago Bulls, one of the all time greats, has decided to come back and play sports again. He did it with baseball, now he wants to try his hand at hockey.

At first, Michael Jordan had a hard time finding a team to take him. Then he remembered that he was a very rich man, and bought the Des Moines Buccaneers, an Ice Hockey team located in Urbandale, Iowa. The Buccaneers are a first tier team that plays in the United States Hockey League. After trying out for the team before this season started, and ultimately ending up cut, it appears he has bought the team in order to ensure a spot on the roster.

USHL regulations keep Jordan from playing this season, but rest assured that he will be playing on the ice next year.

“I’ve always liked Hockey,” Jordan says, “but have never really had the time for it. Now that I’ve been retired for some time, and have a ton of money to burn, I think I would like to give it a go.”

When asked about the regulations keeping him from playing the rest of the year, Jordan was quoted saying, “I don’t really like them, to be honest. In fact, I hate them. I am thinking about giving a generous donation to the league to see if they will let me play.”

Jordan didn’t comment on his hockey skills during his press conference, but rest assured this happy reporter will be following this news very carefully in the coming months.