EARTH’S CORE – Roger Goodell held a press conference today informing the country that the Super Bowl, the countries biggest sporting event was held yesterday, in a super secret facility in the Earth’s core.

“Yes, to avoid the possibility of snow and cold, we decided it would be best if we moved it straight underground. We have actually discovered a place within the molten crust where you can literally control environment. After mulling over countless options: playing the game as scheduled, moving the game around, even moving it to another place on the surface of Earth were all discussed, but this was the only credible option.”

The game was played in front of 0 fans, only the teams and referees, and Mr. Goodell were allowed down. The Seahawks won 24-17.

“Oh my god, it was a hell of a game if that makes you guys feel any better! Jesus, a last second interception return by none other than Richard Sherman, just really a picture perfect game. Damn shame you guys missed it.” Goodell said the game wasn’t taped, but he did remember a few plays, “oh yeah, I remember this one play and one of those big guys, number 67 I think, on the Broncos just had quite a block, probably a six, seven yard rush. Real fluid though.”

The best part though, was the halftime show, according to players “They literally found a species of what must be some sort of imp or something and these little dudes could just shred on the guitar, totally gnarly.” said Peyton Manning who also added, “by the way, I’m retired as hell now, ordered me like seventeen Papa John’s pizza and I’m just gonna go to town.”

At publication time Goodell was trying to remember what Seahawks corner, Richard Sherman, had to say after the game, “I remember he was real excited about something, I can’t remember what… I think it was like a good parking spot or something… Christ, what was he saying. I don’t know. Anyways, good season fellas!”