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NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Pfizer, the company behind the drug Preparation H, the #1 asshole-soothing medication in the world, has announced plans today to pursue New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter for a line of new commercials they plan to air by year’s end.

A representative for Pfizer released a statement via their website, as well as through media outlets such ESPN and The Associated Press, announcing their intentions to seek Jeter for their TV and internet spots, which would showcase the benefits of Preparation H, and its helpfulness in soothing that fire so often associated with a burning, polyp-laden rectum.

“Normally we wouldn’t go after someone in this fashion, and we are aware it’s unorthodox,” said Pfizer representative Martha Canon through their statement. “Normally we’d contact someone directly, or contact their representatives or legal team, but we’ve got such big ideas brewing we needed a big splash to get Derek’s attention. We think this is the way. We have a pretty good feeling that he is a user of our product, and now we want him to pitch it for us.”

Preparation H has been on the market in one form or another since the 1930s, and it is not known for its extensive commercials or advertising. This new line of commercials would be the first in a series planned to feature big-name athletes. It would also mark the first time that a major athlete stars in ads on national TV, print, and internet talking about their burning nether-regions. Usually, it is just speculated how much of a pain-in-the-ass a player might be, but now they’d be going on record to fully admit that they are, and have, those pains.

“We knew that Derek Jeter was the perfect player to kick off our campaign,” continued Canon in the prepared statement. “He’s always come across as a real fiery sphincter – especially if you’re a Boston fan. There’s no way that he doesn’t have that burning, itching sensation himself. Now we want him to tell the world how our products can sooth that burn, and bring some comfort back.”

So far, representatives for Jeter have not commented on whether or not he is interested in the deal. The reported take for Jeter would be somewhere in the nature of $3 million, plus a two-year supply of Preparation H, as well as several bottles of a product that is still in testing, which is designed to not only sooth the burns that may be causing suffering, but also to remove the stick, or in this case baseball bat, that is firmly implanted up there, causing all the trouble.

Pfizer is extremely excited for the deal to take place, and they have no reason to believe that Jeter would turn it down. “It’s a win-win for both sides. We get the publicity, and he gets tons of money and a more relaxed anus. What more could anyone really ask for?”

Pfizer has not announced who else they plan on seeking for future commercial spots, but it is speculated that they also will be looking to court Jeter’s New York Yankees teammate Alex Rodriguez, NBA star Kobe Bryant, NFL player Chad Ochocinco, and because of recent press, LA Clippers owner David Sterling.

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

In a powering win over the Boston Red Sox last night, the big news of the game wasn’t the score, so much as the scandal caused by pitcher Michael Pineda. Last week during another crushing victory over Boston, it was speculated that Pineda had pine tar hidden on the back of his hand. It was not made immediately aware to the coaching staff of the Sox, so when it was finally questioned, the alleged tar had been removed. Pineda claimed it was dirt and that he was “sweating a lot” and needed it to dry his hands.

Pictures surfaced immediately all over the web following that game, with the general consensus being that it was not really dirt, but pine sap or tar. Suspicions of cheating were confirmed during Wednesday night’s game when it was found that Pineda had blatantly put a dab of pine tar on his neck. In light of this, the Major League Baseball commission has decided to strip the Yankees of all their world titles.

“It is with a heavy heart that I announce to the baseball community that the New York Yankees have been stripped of all their world titles.” Said Bud Selig, commissioner for Major League Baseball. “A team that has been consistently cheating this season has no doubt been cheating over the last century of playing. Therefore, we in the MLB have decided that they are undeserving of any championships.”

Selig continued by saying that all current players would be allowed to continue playing this season, but even if they make it to the World Series, they would lose automatically by default.

“In the unlikely event that the Yankees actually hold onto this winning streak and beat the Red Sox by the end of the season to make it to the Series, they will automatically lose regardless of ability. They will be allowed to win next season, assuming they lay of the tar.”

Seilg also has requested that all past players and staff for New York return their World Series rings, claiming them as property of Major League Baseball.

“I’m aware that players use steroids to increase their abilities, and that is one thing.” Said Selig. “No one wants to see some dumpy old men hit a line drive up the middle or strike out swinging. Everyone wants home runs and grand slams. We need steroids for that. But what we don’t need, what we absolutely cannot tolerate, is scuffing the balls with tar. It’s outlawed for a reason.”

There is rumor that not only will Pineda be fined for his indiscretions, but there is a possibility of him being fully banned from baseball. No word at this time what the final outcome will be.

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Preparation H, Makers Of Hemorrhoid Cream, Approach Derek Jeter For New Commercial

Yankees Caught Cheating Again, Forced to Forfeit All 27 World Titles