Tag Archives: NBA

LeBron Opens Up About Loss To Spurs, Reasons He Is Leaving Miami

MIAMI, Florida – Empire-Sports-LeBron-Comments-On-Loss-to-Spurs-Why-He-Is-Leaving-Miami

After an extremely embarrassing loss to the San Antonio Spurs in the NBA finals, you can’t blame LeBron if he wants to leave The Heat. It has been reported that James will opt out of his contract and become a free agent. He has been with the Heat for several years after leaving Cleveland, and on paper he has nothing but a flawless career with Miami.

This year, the NBA finals made the normally powerhouse Heat look like rookies, even though they had a roster other teams can only dream of. In a private interview, James admitted why they lost to the Spurs, and the reason behind his choosing to leave the Heat.

“Well, obviously things didn’t go the way we wanted.” said James. “I’m not trying to take anything away from the Spurs or their organization here, but that was a series that should have gone a lot differently. I have never been so embarrassed in my life.”

James seemed no embarrassment in blaming everyone else on the team, taking absolutely no responsibility for any issues throughout their games with San Antonio.

“If my team played the way I told them to, then we would have won, no doubt in my mind. Not to mention if the entire organization had listened. No one heard a damn thing I said. They never hydrated me the right way, they even gave me Midol for my cramps – I’m not even kidding? On top of that, they never had the right sized headbands. They just pretended I wasn’t there, apparently. So maybe I just won’t be next time.”

It is unknown where LeBron will land come next season, but he has made it clear he is looking for a team that will listen to every one of his ideas, and take them as gospel.

“Any team in the NBA should be absolutely honored to have me on their team.” Said LeBron. “If there is a greatest player still working today, it’s got to be me. Next year, my new team will get me some damn headbands that fit.”

Kellog’s Releasing Cereals Featuring Branded Sports Teams

BATTLE CREEK, Michigan – empire-sports-kellogs-releasing-sports-team-cereals-mascots-breakfast-bars-kellog

When it comes to sports related cereals, General Mills’  Wheaties cereal has always been the #1 contender. They have been putting sports teams and individual sports stars on their boxes for generations. The Kellog company is looking to change the face of the sports-food world though, as this morning they announced a new line of cereal and breakfast bars featuring branded sports teams.

Kellog’s has said they are hoping to finally steal the spotlight away from General Mills and their Wheaties cereal, turning kids on to something “more fun” to eat and “with way more taste.”

“We don’t believe that the cereal you are eating should taste like the box it comes in, and that’s why were are creating this new line of sports-releated cereals and breakfast bars.” Said James Jenness, chairman of the Kellog Company. “We know there are other cereals out there making money off sports stars, Olympians, and certain teams, and they’ve created a monopoly on it. We’re tired of it. We want our cereals to be great tasting, fun to eat, but also to have great sports heroes on every box for the kids to look up to and learn about.”

Jenness says that the boxes of the cereals and bars will all have branded sports teams covering all major sports leagues, including BOSOX-Os (Boston Red Sox, MLB), MAPLE LEAF MUNCHIES (Toronto Maple Leafs, NHL), PACKER POWER BARS (Green Bay Packers, NFL), and WORLD SERIES WONDER PUFFS (New York Yankees, MLB), to name a few. So far, most of the major teams in each sport have signed off on use of logos and player likenesses.

Each box will contain sports stats on the team and history of some their most famous players. Also on each box will be a QR code that can be scanned with any smartphone which will take you to a Kellog’s website with even more information on the team, options for purchasing apparel, tickets to upcoming games, and coupons for use on future purchases of other cereals in the new sports line, dubbed K-Teams.

“We wanted to take breakfast and jazz it up, and we really feel we’ve accomplished something great with K-Teams. I’m really excited for everyone to be able to try these new cereals and bars. They’re really great. Collect them all!” said Jenness.

The entire K-Teams line of cereals and bars are scheduled to be released in the fall of this year.

New NBA ‘Fairness’ Rule Forcing Teams To Have White Player On Court At All Times

empire-sports-nba-rule-white-players-legality-honkeysNEW YORK CITY–

A lot of controversy is surrounding the NBA, and a new rule change won’t make a better case for the organization. With stories of Donald Sterling hitting every news station, and the word racism being tossed around frequently, officials from the NBA held a meeting, and have decided on a new rule for next season.

The rule that is being put to place is being called “Sighting” but basically refers to having a white player on both teams constantly on the court. The heads of the NBA have found it not fair to have all African Americans players at one time, and wanted to create a loop hole which would force at least one white person on a team constantly playing.

“I know it seems crazy, but we have found that this may be the fairest way to going about this,” said an official who wants to remain anonymous. We are unsure if this is because of race matters, or talent, either way we needed to make a change on this scenario. Now, we now that the fans would rather see a 6 foot African American slam an alley oop, but we are going to have to settle with seeing a 6 foot white player barely get in a lay up now and again.”

The new rule will take effect this following NBA season, and will also force some NBA teams to draft a few white players. If the a team does not have at least one White player on their team roster, they will be fined until one is drafted or picked up. Not exactly the fairest way to go about it in that aspect, but rules are rules.

Mark Cuban Loses The Dallas Mavericks From A Bet

empire-sports-mark-cuban-loses-dallas-mavericks-bet-gamble-ownerDallas, Texas-

One of the most infamous owners in the NBA has to be Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban. Cuban is known for being a billionaire, and star of the ABC television show “Shark Tank.” Cuban made his fortune by taking risks throughout his life, and it paid off substantially for him up until now.

Cuban had placed a bet with a fellow business partner, and has lost the Dallas Mavericks because of it. The name of the person who has won the bet has not yet been released, but soon enough his or her face will have to surface. The bet was said to be made over a product Mark had invested in on the television show Shark Tank.

If the product made X amount of money in the first year of running the business, Cuban’s partner would pay  triple the profits. If it didn’t make the money, Cuban would lose his NBA team. Fate did not shine down on Cuban, because now he is legally forced to give up the team.

“All I can say is that the person who won the bet has some legal background, because there is nothing I can do to get the Mavericks back.” said Cuban. “It is truly embarrassing in a sense. I loved my team, and didn’t realize that they meant more to me than some stupid bet. Granted, this does suck, it is my mistake and I am a man of my word. For now the person will take the team, but I am working on getting them back, but the contracts and paperwork is making it a lot harder than I thought it would be.”

The players have not commented on the news of Cuban losing the team, but perhaps they will see it as a fresh beginning.

NBA Adds Lay-Up Competition To All-Star Weekend for Short Players

empire-sports-nba-layup-competition-contest-all-star-weekendBRONX, New York– With so many great athletes in the NBA, one of the highest viewed  competitions is the yearly NBA dunk contest. It is an event of pure talent, strength, and swagger as players from the NBA show how crazy they can get with their dunks. Throughout the years we have seen dunks no man thought could be possible.

Now, we are getting the chance to see some of the shorter, and whiter players get a chance to showcase their talents. The NBA has announced that coming next season a NBA Lay-Up Competition will take effect to show that other players in the NBA have skill to. Granted, it won’t be as faced paced and exciting as the dunk contest, people are optimistic about the event.

“That’s awesome!” said one white man

“How many different type of lay ups can a person honestly do? They will have to get extremely creative.” said another man

Their will be rules to this event to enter, and hearing the rules it truly does make things fair for those shorter players. Here are a few key rules pro basketball players must follow to enter.

1. Must be shorter than 6 feet tall

2. Must have at least one style of lay up

3. Must bring at least 10 paying customers to enter

4. A surcharge of $100 to enter

5. No one from the Miami Heat is allowed to enter

With a tough contest, and strict rules you know that the pay off for the winner will be huge right? Prizes include a trampoline, a sponsorship by Little Caesars, all you can eat bread buffet, and a ride on a Ferris wheel.




67% of Prostitutes Still Willing To Date Donald Sterling According To Poll

empire-sports-donald-sterling-whores-prostitutes-money-v-stiviano-rich-survey-dateLOS ANGELES– A new poll out this morning shows some appalling results when it comes to morals in America these days. According to the phone survey conducted by Griffen Brothers Polling Stats Inc, a whopping 67% of whores would still date disgraced Clippers owner, Donald Sterling. The NBA owner was outed as an alleged racist and a general douche bag by TMZ recently. He was seemingly set up by his “assistant”, V. Stiviano, who recorded Sterling’s rant about her being photographed with black guys.

The poll was taken in light of the obvious nature of V. Stiviano’s sketchy relationship with the 80 year old Sterling. Stiviano is only 31, so I don’t need to elaborate on her reason for hanging with a guy who is half a century her elder. I don’t need to elaborate, but I will anyway. She is a whore lacking in morals, who has sex with super rich guys in the hopes of obtaining a portion of that wealth at some point in her disturbing future, allegedly.

The upsetting poll results show just how far many whores are willing to go to hit the lotto of old man pleasuring. One anonymous groupie from the ATL, told the pollsters that she did not care if Sterling was a racist. “All I care about is that cash homie. If I cared about morals, do you think I would be rubbing up on guys older than my great grandfather,” she stated. Another slut from Miami was quoted as saying, “If the worst thing that NBA owner did was say he disliked black people, then I am ok with that. He is a billionaire, so short of him killing a close member of my own family, I would still date him. And by date him, I mean have sex with him. And on a regular basis.”

There was a time in America that whores had a code. That time is gone forever I am afraid. Only 33% of responding harlots had the pride to take a stand against racism. That number will continue to dwindle until there is not one upstanding whore left in this great nation.

Donald Sterling Shocks World; Asks V Stiviano To Marry Him

empire-sports-donald-sterling-v-stiviano-proposal-marry-engagement-weddingLOS ANGELES — In a move that is likely just a ploy to remove his new status as a racist and a moron, Donald Sterling has asked V. Stiviano to marry him. As a side note, I am kind of tired of seeing this young lady’s first name listed as “V”, as if she is a mega celebrity in need of only a single letter to represent her. Even Elvis and Michael Jackson did not resort to such arrogance and they were two of the most famous people in the history of the earth. Anyway, Sterling proposed to her this weekend at a private retirement party at his home hosted by himself.

Several public relations experts see this marriage proposal as simply a way to rebuild Mr. Sterling’s image. “Marrying the an interracial woman, as opposed to simply using her for disgusting sex, might make the public think Mr. Sterling is a decent guy. The public usually sees through this kind of trick and they likely do not hold this “V” person in high regard anyway.”

I am not sure Sterling realizes he can just go get another young lady, aka whore-like female, who can replace this “V”. There is no need to marry this particular alleged harlot. But he is old and likely losing his mental faculties, along with his NBA team. It is not hard for a billionaire to find the company of a hot young temptress. So what if everyone hates him and thinks he is a racist? The racist thing is new, but people have hated this guy for a while.

In a side story, Sterling is in talks to buy a pro soccer team overseas. It seems like a perfect fit, as soccer may be the most racist sport left on earth, besides NASCAR. Soccer fans would not be offended by anything Sterling does in the future. And it won’t be long before he says something stupid in the presence of an audio recorder once again, I am guessing.


Donald Sterling Hires Johnnie Cochran JR As His Lawyer

empire-sports-donald-sterling-oj-simpson-johnny-cochran-legal-law-courtLOS ANGELES, CA-

In a move right out of OJ Simpson’s play book, disgraced Clipper’s owner, Donald Sterling has hired Johnnie Cochran JR to battle the NBA for his team. Cochran JR is the son of famed legal legend, Johnnie Cochran, who worked his magic for OJ when he had some minor issues involving a butchered ex-wife and her associate. Sterling hopes Cochran JR, who is known in legal circles as “Junebug”, can use some of his old man’s racial card tricks to help Sterling keep his NBA team.

Junebug is not quite at the level of his dad, but has earned quite the reputation for twisting up the court cases he has been involved in so far. He is a civil lawyer so Sterling can use his expertise, because the NBA has basically booted his allegedly racist ass right out of the league. The NBA is going to try and force the sale of his team as well. Before that happens, Junebug will have his say in court. And he knows how to say quite a bit when he is on the courtroom floor. If you thought his daddy had a way with words, you have yet to see anything. This young player in the judicial game has more rhymes than a Bible has Psalms, to quote House of Pain. Little known factoid, JR was the one who came up with the “if the gloves don’t fit, then you must acquit” phrase that destroyed the government’s case against OJ. He was twelve at the time, so he has some serious game.

According to sources, Sterling hopes to use the old, “I have lots of black friends move”, to show he is not racist after all. Junebug is said to also be crafting a gameplan that points out over and over again that the Clippers owner is having sex with his half African-American, half Mexican girlfriend multiple times per day. They truly believe that should be proof positive that Sterling is all for diversity. We asked a Sterling spokesman whether that gameplan would make the team owner look racially diverse or just look like a creepy old white guy who is into hot interracial chicks that enjoy his money. “Oh no. Those two are clearly in love and have lots in common with each other”, we were chided by the spokesman.

One thing is clear, the NBA will have a fight on its hands now that Junebug is involved in the case. Sterling has not spent the past twenty years cheating people, underpaying coaches, and discriminating against low level employees, allegedly, only to be brought down by TMZ. JR released a statement moments ago that could have the NBA shaking in their boots. “At no time on the TMZ audio recording did Mr. Sterling use the N-word. So clearly he is not a racist. No N-word, guy’s not a turd”. We we go!

New Donald Sterling Tape Released; Sterling Calls Black People 3/5th Of A Person

empire-sports-donald-sterling-vanessa-stiviano-adam-silver-racist-rant-blacks-audio-sex-tapeLOS ANGELES-

Just hours after NBA commissioner Adam Silver announced a lifetime NBA ban of Donald Sterling his girlfriend, Vanessa Stiviano, twisted the knife a little deeper as she released yet another audio tape in which Sterling can be heard saying that he thinks black people are only 3/5th of a human.

If there were any doubts that this old geezer was a full blown racist, this new tape will surely put those to rest. Some of the things that can be heard on the new audio are simply unbelievable.

Anyway, you can listen to Donald Sterling’s latest rant in it’s full glory here:

Nike Researching Way To Extract And Sell Michael Jordan’s DNA

empire-sports-nike-dna-michael-jordan-bulls-23-kids-scienceBEAVERTON, OREGON-

If Nike is known for something, well besides sweat shops, it has to be its affiliation with Michael Jordan. Signing the best basketball player ever to arrive on Earth, before or since, was a decent move on the part of the shoe company back in 1984. Nike also invests heavily in their research and development department. That department has been responsible for some tremendous innovations though the years. Now it seems they are dabbling on the weird side of science. They are actually trying to extract Michael Jordan’s DNA, reproduce it on a mass scale, and sell it along side his sneakers.

All this may seem far fetched, but with all the studies on human growth hormones, cloning, and nano technologies, it is not a stretch to think this could happen. And Nike has the money to see the research through. We could not get in touch with any high level researchers who are working on this project, but did manage to talk to an intern who will remain anonymous. The intern told us that the plan is to extract MJ’s DNA via a spinal tap, then once they can reproduce the exact DNA components, it will be time to sell the goods. “The process of injecting the DNA into Nike customers will be easy. A microscopic tube of the Jordan DNA strain will be placed in certain specially priced Jordan branded shoes. The injection will be a barely noticeable prick and boom, they will have part of MJ’s chemical make-up in their bodies.” We asked about a time period to test for problems with giving people such an injection, to which the intern replied, “Oh I’m sure it will be fine.”

We think this could be a big seller for Nike, as so many people already try to “Be like Mike” by wearing the man’s shoes. It could also help the younger generation of Americans, who have about .002% of the work ethic that MJ had as he was rising through the ranks of basketball. If just 10% of the lazy, fat kids in the USA can get an infusion of motivation and talent from Jordan’s DNA, then this country will be better for it.

If you are wondering why MJ would go along with this Frankenstein like research, there is a simple answer. Once the project is ready for public use, he is going to mandate that every player on his Bobcat team get a triple dose of the #23 DNA. If that does not help turn things around for his team, he will likely sell the team and try for a spot on the PGA Senior Tour.