Tag Archives: NASCAR

NASCAR Driver Wins Race While Driving in Reverse

Atlanta, Georgia – empire-sports-driver-wins-NASCAR-race-in-reverse

A non-televised race that was held in Atlanta this past week would have definitely brought in viewers like NASCAR had never seen before. With only two laps left in the race, a driver who was holding steady at second place lost control on a turn, his car spinning all over the track. Although that in itself is not newsworthy, what the driver did next brought crowds to their feet.

After the crash left him facing the wrong way on the track, but knowing that turning around would take too much time that he didn’t have to spare, the driver threw the car in reverse and continued to race around the track backwards.

People in the crowds were surprised, and a few even wondered aloud if it was against the rules to drive that way. Most people immediately rose to their feet and began to cheer as they watched this racer take top speed completely in reverse. In less than one lap, the driver took his spot back at second place, never stopping to spin the car around.

“I’ve never seen anything like it in my entire life, and I’ve been a NASCAR and racing fan since before I could walk.” Said Bill Pooler, a spectator at the race. “It’s the best damn driving that I’ve ever seen.”

The driver continued to gain on the car in first, and actually ended up passing him right before crossing the line, checkered flag waiving.

“I was completely confused, and was barely paying attention.” Said Mark Hill, the driver who was leading the race. “I actually almost hit the wall when I saw him coming up on me in reverse. It was surely incredible.”

The name of the driver was not released to the press, as officials are still checking their rulebooks to see whether or not the win would count if the car didn’t cross the line nose-first.

Eco-Friendly Law Forces NASCAR Drivers To Race In Electric Cars

empire-sports-nascar-electric-car-law-government-ecoboost-hybridDAYTONA, Florida–

Die hard NASCAR fans are not going to happy with the new eco-friendly law that has just been passed. The new law, House Act E.205, states that any car being used for entertainment will have to be electrical. This meaning NASCAR, monster trucks, etc. The act has been floating around congress for years now but has finally seen the light of day.

Due to the fact that monster trucks have no models that happen to be electric, gas-powered automobiles (for now) are still legally able to run.

Unfortunately, seeing how the NASCAR organization has taking steps into building electric cars in previous years, they are all set and ready to race all eco-friendly cars. This meaning that starting very soon fans will get to experience the high paced racing of cars going at speeds of up to 45 MPH!  Well, not exactly, but the speed will be noticeably slower than current cars.

If you are a person that not only enjoys NASCAR, but other automobiles entertainment, expect the same fate for your beloved sports.

Fan are outraged by the news and have been saying things such as, some comments left on the NASCAR website included;

“This is America! Let them Arabic p***ies race electric cars, they got enough gas!”

“It’s shifting gears, and drinking beers! Not pushing button, and hoping for something”

“As person that has been a NASCAR fan for many fortnight, I find the act to be in violation of our freedom to be informed when a matter like this is present. I feel that congress has gone behind our backs, and we as the people of the United States of America deserve, nay, are born with the privilege to fight for what we believe in without having big brother strip it from us”

“Dem dudes are bitches, and I hope they die in fire! Amen”

“Car’s go vroom!”

As you can see the new has brought out rage within the NASCAR community.

NASCAR is already planning to appeal the new law as they feel it will seriously damage their brand.



NASCAR Sick Of Jokes, Decides To Have Cars Race Tracks In Opposite Direction

empire-sports-nascar-race-backwardsDALLAS, Texas – 

After years of jokes and ribbing about their drivers only being able to “drive 200MPH to the left,” and other “left-centric” jokes, NASCAR has made the decision that for the next several years, all their major events in every city will be raced around the track in the opposite direction. With this new system, they hope to erase once and for all the years of ridicule and jokes, constantly made by everyone from professional stand-up comedians all the way down to Joe the dishwasher at your local Denny’s.

“It is our firm belief that our drivers are some of the best athletes in the world. They are in top physical condition, and their skills behind the wheel are impeccable. We at NASCAR have decided to prove that our drivers can do more than just make left-hand turns for 7 hours at a time. We want to show that they can also make right-hand turns for 7 hours at a time.” Said Mike Helton, president of NASCAR corporation. “This is an exciting day for all of NASCAR, racing, and our Budweiser-chugging group of fans.”

There has been some question raised since the announcement whether or not the stock cars are actually able to even turn to the right, and mechanics for many of the top drivers have been hard at work for hours or even days checking and re-checking the cars, making sure that the wheels can and do, in fact, turn to the right.

“We don’t want any surprises come race day.” Said Brett Motoil, lead pit crew supervisor for popular NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt, Jr. “We have been through this car with a fine-tooth comb, and we see no reason whatsoever that the car would have any issue steering to the right. At this point, it’s all going to be up to the drivers to make that magic happen.”

Fans of the sport are divided on the subject, many wishing that they would just keep things the way they are.

“My wife and I have been going to Loudon now for close to 20 years, and we always had perfect seats. In fact, if you look close, you can see the spots where our asses have formed little sags in the bleachers over the years, right next to the giant rectangle for my beer cooler. This whole thing where the cars are gonna be goin’ the other way is just horsesh*t.” Said Butch Hartack, a resident of Buxton, Maine. “I’m going to have to go sit on the complete other side of the bleachers now to see everything. I liked my seats. This is just the worst.”

NASCAR representatives had no further comment at the time of this writing.

Nascar Driver Carl Edwards Charged With DUI For Racing Drunk

empire-sports-carl-edwards-dui-daytona-raceDAYTONA, FL—

Reports of Carl Edwards a professional Nascar driver, being charged with a DUI is hitting all the local news.

The event happened this past Tuesday at a small Nascar event being held in Daytona, FL. Suspicions began to blossom that Edwards was intoxicated after doing celebratory donuts, before the race even began. Although, even with the suspicion Edwards was still able to enter the race, and it made it clear that he would be the victor of the race. In only his under wear he climbed to the top of his car and began to moon, and flip of his competitors.

“I thought he was just dun good and fired up, that’s kind of what America’s all about, not giving a F” said local Nascar fan.

Edwards started the race in 3rd for about 4 seconds before slamming into a wall to the right of him. Oddly enough Edwards put on his right turn signal before slamming into the wall. With his collision he took out almost half the racers, and when the medics came to check on him that’s when things got really messy.

“He had about 40 empty beer cans in his car, and a picture of Keith Urban that seemed to have been kissed” said the responding medic.

After getting Edwards out of the car…finally he began to blow up, and screamed that he was still going to win this race. He began to take the course on by foot. Only after one lap did he begin to vomit on himself, and put his thumb in the air  in an attempt to hitch hike the rest of the course.

Edwards was finally stopped by the police once they pulled over the car he had hitch hiked his way into.  When stopped by the cops and told he would be charged he blew up claiming how could he get a DUI if he wasn’t driving? The police told him that he was driving before he got into this car, and pointed to the mess that he left behind.

Jeff Gordon And Stephen Rhodes Confirm Homosexual Relationship; NASCAR Fans Outraged

empire-sports-jeff-gordon-stephen-rhodes-gay-relationship-homo-loversDAYTONA BEACH, Florida—

As if the sports world didn’t have enough people coming out of the closet. A highly respected member of the NASCAR community has come out and admitted he is in a relationship with a fellow openly gay NASCAR member. Jeff Gordon who is going through a divorce said that he is now dating openly gay driver Stephen Rhodes. Gordon joins a list of male athletes who are new to the openly gay sports world.

We are unable to get a comment from Gordon or Rhodes on this news of their relationship but it is 100% confirmed by them both. Both men have been seen around together since they came out just recently. The couple has been seen hand in hand but not much else in the public eye.  This new couple has sparked a fire storm in the southern states where the rednecks tend to live.

We managed to get a response by a now former Jeff Gordon fan by the name of Billy-Bob Benson he said the following: “There ain’t no room for that queer crap in NASCAR. This is a man sport that only straight men should be doing. These queers need to go back and pray that god forgives them for the choice they made. If they wanna be gay go be a fashion designer and not ruin the greatest sport in the world!”

Not sure if I should feel bad for Billy-Bob due to his parents are most likely related or if he is just that stupid but NASCAR isn’t the greatest sport in the world. Not even close. Driving left isn’t a real sport in my opinion. If a man wants to be gay let him. People should stop making a big deal out of it. I myself am a Jeff Gordon fan if whatever he enjoys is up to him. As long as he wins races he can do anything he wants. Its his life to live not any of ours. I wish Jeff and Stephen the best in their relationship.

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