Tag Archives: movie

NHL: Anaheim Ducks Seek New Head Coach; Court Emilio Estevez

ANAHEIM, California – empire-sports-emilio-estevez-anaheim-ducks-mighty-nhl-movie-disney-wtf

In an announcement this morning from the Anaheim Ducks’ general manager Bob Murray, the team has decided to part ways with current head coach Bruce Boudreau, and is seeking to replace him with a curious choice – actor Emilio Estevez.

The Anaheim Ducks started as a franchise in 1993, then known as the Anaheim Might Ducks, after being founded by the Walt Disney corporation. Disney, who later sold the team, based their club around their 1993 children’s hockey film The Mighty Ducks. In the film, Estevez plays a drunken lawyer who is (curiously) forced to perform community service as a pee-wee hockey coach after being arrested for DUI. Like most Disney sports movies, the rag-tag group of kids all eventually come together to win The Big Game in the end. Estevez, of course, learns the value of sportsmanship, and the credits roll.

Apparently Estevez acting as a hockey coach makes him the perfect candidate to coach the real Ducks now.

“Over 20 years ago, Emilio Estevez showed the world that he could be an amazing hockey coach when he played Gordon Bombay in The Mighty Ducks series. He turned a bunch of misfit kids into a team, and that team went on to beat their rivals and win the championship. Then he did it again the following year when the movie version of the Ducks took on teams from all over the world.” Said Anaheim owner Henry Samueli.  “We want Mr. Estevez to come on board as the coach of our real Ducks now, and take them all the way to a Stanley Cup championship.”

Estevez, who is a lifelong hockey fan, has no real experience coaching a team, professional or otherwise. In response to the offer, Estevez did say he would ‘consider the job.’

“I have never coached in my life.” Said Estevez in a statement released to the Associated Press. “I played a coach a few times. I’ve played a lot of things, from cops to criminals, to coaches, to a buns-taping jock in the Breakfast Club. As far as I recall, this is the first time anyone has ever offered me a job based on a role I once played. I would be a fool not to consider it.”

As part of the change, the Ducks are also going to be altering their name, reverting back to The Mighty Ducks, which they are now saying should never have been changed in the first place.

“We miss the name, we miss the ‘mighty.’ We definitely miss winning games. It’s been a few years now, so we’d like to have that happen again.” Said Ryan Getziaf, current team captain. “If Emilo Estevez wants to give up his long-forgotten Hollywood career to come and coach us, then that’s fantastic. I’ve always wanted to learn the triple-deke.”

Fans of the Anaheim Ducks had no comment, because no member of the press could find anyone admitting to caring about the team.

Shaq Casted For Kazaam Sequel

LOS ANGELES, California–

When Hollywood comes calling you’ve got to answer, right? That is the case for former NBA basketball player Shaquille O’Neal, who has been cast in the lead role in the sequel to the movie Kazaam. If you don’t remember the movie Kazaam, your parents probably loved you too much to let you see the movie. The plot of the film was that a 5,000 year-old genie appears from a magic boombox to grant a boy three wishes. Shaq played the role of Kazaam, and if you thought he was bad at the free throw line, then you should have seen his acting.

The movie didn’t get the best reviews, and the memory has kind of fizzled from our generation’s mind, until this breaking news hit. It is unclear when the movie will be released, but casting and production are already underway. So far Shaq is the only known name to be cast in the film, and other actors are turning down auditions left and right.

“This movie is going to be the best thing for my career to date. If I had three wishes as a human being, 3 out of 3 would be to make this Kazaam sequel. Luckily, I don’t need a genie to grant me this wish.” said Shaq.

“This is going to be my crowing achievement, and when people hear my name they will remember me for the dramatic, but funny role I played as Kazaam. If I had this chance earlier in my career to do a sequel, I may have quit the NBA all together.  Lebron can keep his silly rings, I’m going for Emmys.” said Shaq.

Retro Movie Spawns Dangerous, Underground Mercy Tournaments

empire-sports-mercy-no-mercy-cover-underground-tournamentsVAN NUYS, CALIFORNIA—

Thought to be dormant for a generation, a perilous sport sometimes referred to as “human cockfighting” has authorities perplexed and concerned.  Played since millennia, the game of Mercy involves two participants trying to bend each other’s wrists back as far as possible before someone calls out, “Mercy!”  Historically it was a child’s game, but sometime in the 1970’s strong men began grasping hands in dark, secret tournaments for big money prizes and machismo glory.  The sport faded in the early 1990’s when people seemed to lose interest as MMA,  and to a lesser extent, Ro Sham Bo became all the rage. 

Now law enforcement officials say Mercy is making a comeback, and parents across the country are worried.  Several illegal rings have been broken up, and arrests have been made in Los Angeles, Sacramento, Las Vegas, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, and St. Louis.

“Kids are impressionable; they’ll try anything, said Los Angeles Sheriff’s Deputy Mike Pristop, “First it’s the cinnamon challenge, then the ‘knockout’ game, now this lunacy.”

Much of the blame can be traced to a recent YouTube video of an old movie trailer from 1992 called Mercy No Mercy (a cross between Bloodsport, Road House, and Over the Top).  A low-budget flop, it quickly disappeared from theaters and never had a home video release.

Blogger Ted Lee Sutton came into possession of the promotional material from a contact who once worked at Cannon Domestic Films.  He remembered seeing the movie as a twelve year old and loved the combination of action and irresponsible violence.

“Look, the bigger story here is the fact that this movie was buried in a vast Hollywood conspiracy and that there’s an active Romanian gypsy curse attached to it,” said Sutton, 32, “I mean, everyone associated with it has died — I know, I did the research.  Maybe that’s why it was covered up, but if it’s causing a lot of kids to play Mercy again, then I think it’s great.  Mercy rules.”

One thing that doesn’t rule, according to the authorities, are the devastating list of injuries that players are experiencing.

“We’ve seen it all, said Pristop, “Broken wrists, separated shoulders, and bones sticking out of elbows.  It’s an epidemic.”  What would he say to a teen that was thinking of getting involved in Mercy tournaments?

“I’d tell them sure, it may look fun when everyone is doing it, but it’s like drugs and drinking — just say no.  You can’t stop it though, just like when all those teens were sticking vodka-soaked tampons up their butts.  Kids are such idiots, I really hate them.”