NEW YORK CITY—
On the verge of becoming the NFL’s first openly gay player, Michael Sam continues to push the envelope by announcing his intention to star in a gay porn version of the salacious Civil War-era sex-fest, “Mandingo.” Sam will reportedly play the lead role of Mede, a run-down plantation’s most virile breeding buck, portrayed in the original by former heavyweight boxing champ Ken Norton.
Sam’s agent, Cameron Weiss, was candid about his client’s ambitious decision.
“Michael’s greatest attributes are not always seen on the field,” said Weiss. “In fact, if you really want to see him perform, don’t miss this film.”
Last month, leaked pictures, allegedly of Sam’s penis, went viral on the Internet, and caused a sensation at the NFL Scouting Combine. Weiss denied the penis in question belonged to Sam, but a former lover, speaking on the condition of anonymity, was unequivocal about his opinion.
“Oh, that’s definitely Michael,” said the source. “I’d recognize his sausage anywhere.”
The situation took another bizarre turn when several Internet websites claimed to possess footage of Sam at the NFL Scouting Combine walking around with an erection. While this is impossible to determine with any degree of accuracy, if Sam wasn’t fully engorged, he is, without question, one of the most gifted men in North America.
NFL scouts don’t have an issue with Sam’s homosexual lifestyle, but have expressed concern about the tremendous girth of his massive unit. The prevailing wisdom among league GMs is that Sam’s potential teammates might be intimidated by the sheer size of the appendage.
Speaking off the record, one longtime league executive said this: “Nobody cares what somebody does in the privacy of their own home, but these guys have to shower together. The fear of many general managers is when other players get a look at that thing, they may very well quit the game.”
Another NFL insider claims that Sam’s purple-headed warrior dwarfs that of NFL Hall of Famer Marcus Allen, who was affectionately referred to by teammates as “Driftwood.” Allen was believed to have possessed the largest penis in NFL history before Sam burst onto the scene.
Regarding the film, Sam will play opposite well-endowed gay porn stars Navin Steed and T-Bone Johnson, and producer Abe Shapiro boasts that the movie climaxes with a cotton field orgy he described as, “Homeric.”
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell would not comment on the film but did say he has been advised by others to wear a protective cup if he plans to hug Sam on draft day.
