BEAVERTON, OREGON-

If Nike is known for something, well besides sweat shops, it has to be its affiliation with Michael Jordan. Signing the best basketball player ever to arrive on Earth, before or since, was a decent move on the part of the shoe company back in 1984. Nike also invests heavily in their research and development department. That department has been responsible for some tremendous innovations though the years. Now it seems they are dabbling on the weird side of science. They are actually trying to extract Michael Jordan’s DNA, reproduce it on a mass scale, and sell it along side his sneakers.

All this may seem far fetched, but with all the studies on human growth hormones, cloning, and nano technologies, it is not a stretch to think this could happen. And Nike has the money to see the research through. We could not get in touch with any high level researchers who are working on this project, but did manage to talk to an intern who will remain anonymous. The intern told us that the plan is to extract MJ’s DNA via a spinal tap, then once they can reproduce the exact DNA components, it will be time to sell the goods. “The process of injecting the DNA into Nike customers will be easy. A microscopic tube of the Jordan DNA strain will be placed in certain specially priced Jordan branded shoes. The injection will be a barely noticeable prick and boom, they will have part of MJ’s chemical make-up in their bodies.” We asked about a time period to test for problems with giving people such an injection, to which the intern replied, “Oh I’m sure it will be fine.”

We think this could be a big seller for Nike, as so many people already try to “Be like Mike” by wearing the man’s shoes. It could also help the younger generation of Americans, who have about .002% of the work ethic that MJ had as he was rising through the ranks of basketball. If just 10% of the lazy, fat kids in the USA can get an infusion of motivation and talent from Jordan’s DNA, then this country will be better for it.

If you are wondering why MJ would go along with this Frankenstein like research, there is a simple answer. Once the project is ready for public use, he is going to mandate that every player on his Bobcat team get a triple dose of the #23 DNA. If that does not help turn things around for his team, he will likely sell the team and try for a spot on the PGA Senior Tour.