Tag Archives: Michael Jordan

Man Attempts To Kidnap Michael Jordan’s Baby; Takes Off With Baby’s Shoes

empire-sports-michael-jordan-baby-twins-kidnapped-robbed-mugger-yvette-girls-babies-charlotteCHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA — NBA legend Michael Jordan had a terrifying encounter on Saturday afternoon as he and his wife, Yvette, were walking to their car with their 3 month old twin baby girls.

According to Charlotte police, as Jordan and his wife were pushing their babies in a stroller a man approached them and asked for Jordan’s autograph before reaching in to the stroller and grabbing one of the twins.   Yvette was able to grab the baby before the man could get away, but he was able to remove the baby’s shoes before fleeing.

According to the police report, the custom baby shoes stolen by the man were worth nearly $3000.

“It was absolutely terrifying,” said Joseph Goldsmith of Charlotte, who witnessed the crime. “I saw Jordan walking with his kids and then this crazy looking dude came up and tried to take his kid right out of his stroller.”

The man has not yet been captured.  He was described as a black male in his 20’s or 20’s last seen wearing baggy jeans and a hooded sweatshirt.

Nike Researching Way To Extract And Sell Michael Jordan’s DNA

empire-sports-nike-dna-michael-jordan-bulls-23-kids-scienceBEAVERTON, OREGON-

If Nike is known for something, well besides sweat shops, it has to be its affiliation with Michael Jordan. Signing the best basketball player ever to arrive on Earth, before or since, was a decent move on the part of the shoe company back in 1984. Nike also invests heavily in their research and development department. That department has been responsible for some tremendous innovations though the years. Now it seems they are dabbling on the weird side of science. They are actually trying to extract Michael Jordan’s DNA, reproduce it on a mass scale, and sell it along side his sneakers.

All this may seem far fetched, but with all the studies on human growth hormones, cloning, and nano technologies, it is not a stretch to think this could happen. And Nike has the money to see the research through. We could not get in touch with any high level researchers who are working on this project, but did manage to talk to an intern who will remain anonymous. The intern told us that the plan is to extract MJ’s DNA via a spinal tap, then once they can reproduce the exact DNA components, it will be time to sell the goods. “The process of injecting the DNA into Nike customers will be easy. A microscopic tube of the Jordan DNA strain will be placed in certain specially priced Jordan branded shoes. The injection will be a barely noticeable prick and boom, they will have part of MJ’s chemical make-up in their bodies.” We asked about a time period to test for problems with giving people such an injection, to which the intern replied, “Oh I’m sure it will be fine.”

We think this could be a big seller for Nike, as so many people already try to “Be like Mike” by wearing the man’s shoes. It could also help the younger generation of Americans, who have about .002% of the work ethic that MJ had as he was rising through the ranks of basketball. If just 10% of the lazy, fat kids in the USA can get an infusion of motivation and talent from Jordan’s DNA, then this country will be better for it.

If you are wondering why MJ would go along with this Frankenstein like research, there is a simple answer. Once the project is ready for public use, he is going to mandate that every player on his Bobcat team get a triple dose of the #23 DNA. If that does not help turn things around for his team, he will likely sell the team and try for a spot on the PGA Senior Tour.

Oprah and Michael Jordan Spotted Locking Lips; Admit To Secret Romance

oprah-michael-jordan-hookup-sex-romance-kissNew York City, New York-

Two of the most famous, and inspirational people in the black community may have some explaining to do. Oprah Winfrey and Michael Jordan were spotted kissing on the lips earlier this week in New York. Oprah, an inspirational host, and Jordan, a hall of famer basket ball player have been reported as “taking a lot of business trips together.” Twelve times over the past month  reports of Jordan and Oprah meeting for “business” have been reported by a mutual colleague. Until the sighting of the kiss, suspicions were all the colleague had.

“They were meeting a lot, and at first I kind of had an idea of what was going on.” said the colleague who wishes to remain anonymous.

“I am a friend to both Oprah and Michael, and know that a picture of them kissing is going to hit the surface soon enough. I attempted to retrieve the picture, but the photographer wants a lot of money for it. I know a magazine is going to give him a buddle for it, and I just can’t throw my money at trying to keep a secret from getting out.”

Both Winfrey and Jordan are denying the accusations, claiming they are just really good friends. One thing is clear though if the proof is in the picture, then they will have some explaining to do.

“I could only imagine if they had a child together, that would be one amazing kid. Imagine a child that had the ability to dunk on you, but at the same time inspire you so much that you would want to do great things with your life.” said the colleague

It is reported that the picture will be revealed some time in the next two weeks,  in the mean time you can debate over who picks up the check at dinner Oprah, or Jordan? We all know that Jordan has that Hanes money.

Michael Jordan’s $30 Million Mansion Burned Down By LeBron James Extremist

empire-sports-michael-jordan-mansion-set-fire-burned-lebron-james-finatics-extremists-arsonCHICAGO, ILLINOIS—

Chicago firefighters and police responded to a massive fire this morning in a Chicago suburb at a $30 million mansion owned by NBA legend Michael Jordan.  According to police, the fire was started by a man they claim to be an “extreme LeBron James fan”.

24 year old Jose Alvarez was arrested shortly after 11am driving near the scene in a heavily damaged pickup truck covered in Miami Heat stickers.  Security cameras outside of Jordan’s mansion captured the man crashing his truck through the front gate of the property before throwing several Molotov cocktails into the house.

At one point, Alvarez can be heard yelling, “If you can’t take the Heat, stay out of the NBA!”

Alvarez is currently in custody in Chicago awaiting arraignment. Several Miami fans have raised questions about the incident and claim Michael Jordan is attempting to blame Heat fans while committing insurance fraud for a home he was having difficulty selling.

Jordan’s response today only fueled the Heat fan’s allegations, “Heck, that mansion was never going to sell and I got more Insurance money than it would sell for.”

LeBron James denies any connection to Alvarez and thinks that this is a disgrace to him and in no way shows that he is a better basketball player.

Not Again, Jordan! Michael Jordan Returns For Third Time

tumblr_l3o61b1jxt1qa3rcio1_500DES MOINES, IOWA–.

Well, he’s done it again. Not with baseball, not with basketball, but with hockey. Apparently the man just can’t quit.

The legend of the Chicago Bulls, one of the all time greats, has decided to come back and play sports again. He did it with baseball, now he wants to try his hand at hockey.

At first, Michael Jordan had a hard time finding a team to take him. Then he remembered that he was a very rich man, and bought the Des Moines Buccaneers, an Ice Hockey team located in Urbandale, Iowa. The Buccaneers are a first tier team that plays in the United States Hockey League. After trying out for the team before this season started, and ultimately ending up cut, it appears he has bought the team in order to ensure a spot on the roster.

USHL regulations keep Jordan from playing this season, but rest assured that he will be playing on the ice next year.

“I’ve always liked Hockey,” Jordan says, “but have never really had the time for it. Now that I’ve been retired for some time, and have a ton of money to burn, I think I would like to give it a go.”

When asked about the regulations keeping him from playing the rest of the year, Jordan was quoted saying, “I don’t really like them, to be honest. In fact, I hate them. I am thinking about giving a generous donation to the league to see if they will let me play.”

Jordan didn’t comment on his hockey skills during his press conference, but rest assured this happy reporter will be following this news very carefully in the coming months.