Tag Archives: Miami Heat

Carmelo Anthony Signs Multi-Year Deal With The Miami Heat

June 26, 2014 JP Leave a comment

MIAMI, Florida –

One of the most exciting players in the NBA, Carmelo Anthony, announced earlier today that he has signed a 3-year deal with The Miami Heat, hoping to replace the talent that Miami is losing after it was recently announced that their star player, LeBron James, would be leaving to become a free agent. Anthony will be headed to a new city, on a new team, in attempts to do what he was trying to do with The Knicks – win a title.

Since Anthony has been a free agent, a lot of different offers came his way, but The Heat found a way to lock him down for at least 3 years and people are excited about the move.

Anthony was an all-star for the Knicks, and some would say that he was the golden horse of the organization. He had all the tools to be a champion player, besides a team that could follow suit. Anthony is very optimistic about things to come in Miami, and said believes he will be the player maker to make The Heat unstoppable.

“Things just got a little hotter for The Heat.” said Anthony. “I’m excited to play for an organization that can finish strong, and win championships. I feel this squad should be called the fantastic four, we will be unstoppable.”

During the interview, a reporter questioned Anthony’s Fantastic Four reference, seeing as how their would be 5 players on the court at once.

“Listen, I don’t care about numbers or counting. It doesn’t even matter who is on the floor with me, they can just sit pretty anyway. I will win game-after-game anyway, with them or without them.” replied Anthony.

Anthony is scheduled to report to South Beach in the next week to begin training with The Heat. He personally requested a new speedo, some sunblock, and a private chair on the beach for when he arrives.

NBA, News

LeBron Opens Up About Loss To Spurs, Reasons He Is Leaving Miami

June 26, 2014 JP Leave a comment

MIAMI, Florida –

After an extremely embarrassing loss to the San Antonio Spurs in the NBA finals, you can’t blame LeBron if he wants to leave The Heat. It has been reported that James will opt out of his contract and become a free agent. He has been with the Heat for several years after leaving Cleveland, and on paper he has nothing but a flawless career with Miami.

This year, the NBA finals made the normally powerhouse Heat look like rookies, even though they had a roster other teams can only dream of. In a private interview, James admitted why they lost to the Spurs, and the reason behind his choosing to leave the Heat.

“Well, obviously things didn’t go the way we wanted.” said James. “I’m not trying to take anything away from the Spurs or their organization here, but that was a series that should have gone a lot differently. I have never been so embarrassed in my life.”

James seemed no embarrassment in blaming everyone else on the team, taking absolutely no responsibility for any issues throughout their games with San Antonio.

“If my team played the way I told them to, then we would have won, no doubt in my mind. Not to mention if the entire organization had listened. No one heard a damn thing I said. They never hydrated me the right way, they even gave me Midol for my cramps – I’m not even kidding? On top of that, they never had the right sized headbands. They just pretended I wasn’t there, apparently. So maybe I just won’t be next time.”

It is unknown where LeBron will land come next season, but he has made it clear he is looking for a team that will listen to every one of his ideas, and take them as gospel.

“Any team in the NBA should be absolutely honored to have me on their team.” Said LeBron. “If there is a greatest player still working today, it’s got to be me. Next year, my new team will get me some damn headbands that fit.”

Headlines, NBA, News

LeBron James Confirms Intentions To Leave Miami After Season

May 22, 2014 JP Leave a comment

MIAMI, Florida-

The franchise team will be taking a huge hit following this season, after reports of LeBron James leaving the team has surfaced. James has been an all-star player to the team, but after contract complications, it appears his destiny will be held at another team.

According to sources within the Miami Heat organization, James met with Heat owner Micky Arison over the weekend and they were not able to work out a contract that would satisfy both parties.

You would think that back-to-back championships would have held LeBron’s spot on The Miami Heat, but it appears that money has become a huge issue and the team can no longer gain profit by having him on the team.

Many believe that James is the best NBA player out there, but sometimes you have to remember that the NBA is also a business, and if you aren’t making money out of a business then you are going to end up broke. It turns out the expenses that LeBron has racked up, along with a very high salary cap, have made it too expensive to keep him in a Heat jersey.

“He is a great player, but with anything great there are pros and cons.” said Micky Arison, owner of The Miami Heat. “Don’t get me wrong – if we could keep him we would, he has been an asset to the team, and it has been a lot of fun watching him play and win for us. The reality is he is expensive to keep on the roster, and with an all-star player like James they expect bonuses and perks. We have spent thousands on custom made headbands alone.”

It is unclear where James will play next, but talks of him returning to Cleveland have been up in the air. If Cleveland has the cash for LeBron it may be a possibility, but the pain that he left to his fans out there may never go away.

NBA, News

NBA Brings On No-Doz As Playoff Sponsor

May 2, 2014 kctinman Leave a comment

NEW YORK CITY-

You would think the NBA would be more careful about the kind of sponsors they bring on board. Having for a sponsor, a pill that is intended to keep people awake, might not send the best message about their product. I guess the NBA does not care as long as the money is green, and their new playoff sponsor, No-Doz has plenty of the green.

The NBA is notorious for its never ending playoff set up. There are too many teams involved, the west coast games stay on until the wee hours of the night, and they last for months. They are pretty ridiculous to be honest. What is the point of the Heat playing the Bobcats? I assume this is the point of No-Doz coming on as a sponsor for the NBA playoffs. You need chemical infusions just to stay awake during these early rounds.

We put in a call to the commissioner’s office to get a quote about the No-Doz issue. To our amazement, we got a quick call back, not from a flunky spokesperson, but from commissioner Adam Silver himself. Silver was not too happy about our questions, and was quick to let us know that it was his final decision to bring No-Doz on as a playoff sponsor. “You think we do not know how this looks? We are not idiots over here. Just because old man Stern has left the building, does not mean things are just willy nilly here. I know what I am doing!”, Silver yelled. Silver told us that it was no secret that the playoffs are too long, somewhat boring, are played too late at night, and are ultimately meaningless in the larger scope of life. He went on to say, “Why the hell do you think No-Doz wanted to advertise with us. They do focus groups you know, and the number of people that said they had trouble keeping their eyes open during a NBA playoff game was staggering. During first round games, 83% of males between 25 and 40 years old, reported waking up on a drool stained couch the next morning, with no recollection of anything after the 1st quarter.”

After being berated by the new commish with his stats, we interviewed some NBA fans about problems staying conscious during the playoffs. Henry Rotel, a Heat fan, told us, “I usually have to sit in a tub of ice water to make sure I do not fall asleep in rounds one and two.” In talking with a Hawks fan (yes we actually found one), we got an earful of illegal activities. Thomas Galon, who lives just outside the ATL, said he had never heard of No-Doz before their ads started running during game one of the Hawks v Pacers series. “I usually have to call my meth dealer before a playoff game”. I have even hired a cheap hooker to wake me up when I drift off before the game ends, and also for sex of course,” Galon stated. After getting more responses like the ones above, we now think that No-Doz is the least of the NBA’s problems.

Headlines, NBA, News

LeBron James Dunked On By WNBA Player; LeBron In Denial

April 21, 2014 JP Leave a comment

MIAMI, FLORIDA-

During a house party in Miami, Florida this past weekend something happened that no LeBron fan thought could even be possible. LeBron got dunked on during a pick up game that was being played at a party which had NBA and WNBA players on the guest list. Sources claim that it was a friendly game of basketball, and not all the players were taking the game seriously, besides a few.

The thing that makes this story so juicy is the fact that LeBron got dunked on by a unknown WNBA player by the name of Jordan Adams. When the dunk occurred LeBron left the party in a outrage, and called Adams a show off, and that wouldn’t have happened in a real game.

“He was playing just as hard as the rest of us, and I got sick of him bullying us, when we were trying to have a friendly game.” said Adams

“He came into the party like he was the f**king man, and granted he is an incredible player, you shouldn’t have to act that way around friends, and family. He elbowed another WNBA player in the face, and called a foul on her. At that point I got sick of it, I drove to the basket and slammed the ball down as hard as I could in the net. To be honest, if I had a nut shack, It would of been in LeBron’s mouth, that’s had badly I dunked on him.”

LeBron has yet to comment on this event, but witness, and fellow teammates know what happened that day. LeBron can cling to any story he wants, but the truth always finds a way to come to the top. After things calmed down at the party LeBron’s lawyer showed up, and had the entire party erase any evidence of the dunking ever happening.

Headlines, NBA, News

Michael Jordan’s $30 Million Mansion Burned Down By LeBron James Extremist

April 18, 2014 dernest17 Leave a comment

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS—

Chicago firefighters and police responded to a massive fire this morning in a Chicago suburb at a $30 million mansion owned by NBA legend Michael Jordan. According to police, the fire was started by a man they claim to be an “extreme LeBron James fan”.

24 year old Jose Alvarez was arrested shortly after 11am driving near the scene in a heavily damaged pickup truck covered in Miami Heat stickers. Security cameras outside of Jordan’s mansion captured the man crashing his truck through the front gate of the property before throwing several Molotov cocktails into the house.

At one point, Alvarez can be heard yelling, “If you can’t take the Heat, stay out of the NBA!”

Alvarez is currently in custody in Chicago awaiting arraignment. Several Miami fans have raised questions about the incident and claim Michael Jordan is attempting to blame Heat fans while committing insurance fraud for a home he was having difficulty selling.

Jordan’s response today only fueled the Heat fan’s allegations, “Heck, that mansion was never going to sell and I got more Insurance money than it would sell for.”

LeBron James denies any connection to Alvarez and thinks that this is a disgrace to him and in no way shows that he is a better basketball player.

NBA, News

Dwayne Wade Seen At Cryogenics Lab

March 28, 2014 kctinman 1 Comment

MIAMI, FL—

Things have been going swell for the defending, two time NBA Champion, Miami Heat this year. They do not have the best record in the NBA, but they are hanging around with the top level teams. The best player in the league, LeBron James, is healthy and rolling, so what do Heat fans have to worry about? Well, I am not one to freak out, but if I were a Miami season ticket holder I might hit the panic button right about now. It seems that Dwayne Wade, who is not older than dirt, but was born only a few days later, was spotted at a Miami Cryogenics laboratory today. For you non scientist types, Cryogenics is an emerging medical technology of preserving humans with the intention of future revival.

It is anyone’s guess how Wade got it in his head that he needed to visit a facility that freezes humans who have passed away and seek a possible “cure for death” in the future. If I were betting, I would put my cash on Pat Riley. He is just slick enough to talk players into anything, even a veteran all star like D-Wade. Riley will do anything for another NBA Title, even if that means testing a crazy technology on his star guard.

The 32 year old guard has had some injury problems the past three years, but he is not an 80 year old millionaire desperate to hang on to life, like most Cryogenics clients. That said, at times Wade does seem like he is leg-weary and ready for a rocking chair. We managed to get a phone call into the lab that Wade was seen visiting and spoke to a receptionist who signed Wade into the facility. She stated that she wasn’t privy to the entire consultation between the Heat hall of famer and the Cryogenic engineers. But she did overhear the engineers explaining to Wade that the lab only froze dead people and trying to freeze a living being would likely just kill said being. Apparently Wade was of the opinion they could just freeze him for the rest of this regular season, then “thaw him out like a rib-eye steak”, so he could be rested for the playoffs.

Headlines, NBA, News

LeBron James Trashes Michael Jordan; Plans to Air The Decision 2: The Decisioning

March 19, 2014 IamShado Leave a comment

MIAMI, FLORIDA—

Miami Heat star and best-basketball-player-in-the-Universe LeBron James took a lot of “heat” (pun intended) when he aired The Decision TV special back in 2010. Most saw it as an awkward, ill-conceived, self-absorbed publicity stunt not befitting the premiere star in his sport.

But now James plans to make amends. After resurrecting his reputation with three straight trips to the finals, two championships, a second Olympic gold medal, and multiple MVP awards, he’s looking for a new challenge. Restless and possibly bored in Miami, there are several teams interested in his services – let’s say all of them. Realistically, very few choices make sense; maybe New York, now that they have Phil Jackson calling the shots, the two Los Angeles teams, and Cleveland, where he can return home a conquering hero and pretend Dan Gilbert never wrote all that stuff IN ALL CAPS!

James is on top of the world, and seemingly has everything going for him both on and off the court. He plays with a confidence and seriousness that escaped him earlier in his career, and his endorsement opportunities are fruitful and limitless. However, there seems to be something missing for him, perhaps it was all of the overblown hate and vitriol that came in the wake of his decision to leave Cleveland.

“Things have been too easy,” James lamented, “All this damn winning and adulation, and being worshipped like a modern day Kratos, the Greek God of strength and power, I’m just like, whatever, man.” This kind of talk has people around the NBA thinking James may be ready to jump ship on Miami President Pat Riley and the notoriously shallow Heat fans.

“To that end, I plan on airing a sequel; The Decision 2: The Decisioning, which will show me planning on making an eventual decision, and all the steps involved in the making of that ultimate decision,” said James, “which could happen at any time during the 2014 offseason, I haven’t yet decided.“

Steeped in hubris, James appears headed down the path of most resistance, seeking challenges that only mere mortals can dream of overcoming. He even took a not-so-veiled shot at the player most consider the greatest of all time, Michael Jordan.

“I used to be the most hated man in sports, and I never thought that was fair. Now I’m beloved and admired except by a certain someone who used to play this game and wore my same number, ‘Michael’ something or another. I think he’s somehow involved in the daily operations of the Charlotte Duckbills or some D-League team, I can’t remember. Whatever.”

Headlines, NBA, News

President Obama Admits Losing $800 Betting On Miami Heat Game; Republicans Outraged

March 10, 2014 IamShado Leave a comment

In a conversation on Monday, President Obama said that he had made a friendly wager on a Miami Heat basketball game which cost him $800.

When asked about the bet by a member of the media the President shrugged it off, reaffirming that it was, “just a friendly bet between friends.”

However, several Republican lawmakers have expressed outrage over the bet, including Arizona Senator John McCain and former GOP Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan.

The legality of sports betting is not the issue that has the GOP up in arms. According to Senator McCain, it sends a bad message to the poor and middle class in the country.

“The President is already gambling with our health care system and now he’s literally gambling with tax payer money,” said McCain. “It’s an outrage. The President is not setting a good example for the country.”

Paul Ryan added, “We have mounds of debt, the country is on a path to bankruptcy, the Republican Party is worried about saving this country while the President is throwing money away.”

Headlines, NBA, News

Lebron James’ Black Mask Stolen, Sold On eBay For $50,000

March 3, 2014 IamShado Leave a comment

empire-sports-lebron-james-black-mask-ebay — A screen shot of the listing on ebay of Lebron’s black mask

MIAMI, FL –

Last Thursday Lebron James shocked fans and scared the crap out of his NBA opponents when he took the court wearing a custom black carbon-fiber mask to protect his broken nose in a game against the New York Knicks.

On Saturday, however, James appeared on court wearing a clear mask. An ESPN report stated a claim by someone in the Lebron camp that he didn’t wear the black mask due to a request made by the league. But news reports today show that that claim may have been a cover-up.

An individual close to James was asked on Saturday about the mask and he stated that, “someone stole the mask out of Lebron’s locker.”

That claim was unverified and didn’t seem to hold much validity until Sunday afternoon when the mask was discovered for sale on eBay for an amazing $50,000.

Several bids were made on the auction before eBay shut it down Sunday night and removed the page from their site.

The Lebron James camp has yet to comment on the mask since the eBay listing appeared.