Indianapolis, Indiana—

If you thought the world was full big corporate executives running over the little guy, well….. you were right. But there is always the exception and sometimes seemingly corrupt big wheels do the right thing. That is what happened this morning when NCAA President Mark Emmert sent out a press release saying the NCAA will donate the entire revenue from their college basketball tournament to five different charities. In the statement Emmert says that he can no  longer stomach looking at himself in the mirror so something had to be done about the unfair practices of the NCAA. “We have all these ‘student athletes’ playing their hearts out on the court and getting zero cash for it. We, as the governing body of major collegiate sports, basically raped CBS for about a billion dollars last year SON! We just cannot keep conducting business this way. Many of us leaders are frankly afraid of the bad karma that we have already built up and we have to try and reverse it by giving back”, the statement read.

This news has shocked the sports world and the players that are involved in March Madness this year. People have always assumed the NCAA would just keep raking in the cash until schools wised up and got together to put on their own tournament so they could reap all the benefits from the TV money. One anonymous player from Wichita St. was befuddled by the news of the money going to charities though. He did not understand why the charities were getting all the money and the players were left out once again. “Dude, I got rims to pay for, two baby mamas to keep up, and six cousins in my entourage that need to get paid a weekly salary”, player X said. Another player from the ACC said that he can hardly make ends meet since he cannot work even a part time job because of idiotic NCAA rules. The Senior point guard stated that he has resorted to selling gigs on Fiverr.com where he hangs a business sign around his neck and dunks a basketball for $5…with a bag on his head to remain anonymous to the NCAA. Shameful indeed.

The five charities that will be dividing up the $1 billion from the NCAA will be The Red Cross, United Way, Habitat For Humanity, Water.org, and The U.A.H.W.S.C.O.O. We called the NCAA office about the last charity and were told only that it was a charity close to the hearts of President Emmert and some other leaders of the organization. After a little digging, it turns out it stands for ‘Underprivileged Asian Hookers We Like To Sniff Cocaine Off Of’. That may have been the least shocking part of this story.