Tag Archives: Lakers

Shaq Casted For Kazaam Sequel

LOS ANGELES, California–

When Hollywood comes calling you’ve got to answer, right? That is the case for former NBA basketball player Shaquille O’Neal, who has been cast in the lead role in the sequel to the movie Kazaam. If you don’t remember the movie Kazaam, your parents probably loved you too much to let you see the movie. The plot of the film was that a 5,000 year-old genie appears from a magic boombox to grant a boy three wishes. Shaq played the role of Kazaam, and if you thought he was bad at the free throw line, then you should have seen his acting.

The movie didn’t get the best reviews, and the memory has kind of fizzled from our generation’s mind, until this breaking news hit. It is unclear when the movie will be released, but casting and production are already underway. So far Shaq is the only known name to be cast in the film, and other actors are turning down auditions left and right.

“This movie is going to be the best thing for my career to date. If I had three wishes as a human being, 3 out of 3 would be to make this Kazaam sequel. Luckily, I don’t need a genie to grant me this wish.” said Shaq.

“This is going to be my crowing achievement, and when people hear my name they will remember me for the dramatic, but funny role I played as Kazaam. If I had this chance earlier in my career to do a sequel, I may have quit the NBA all together.  Lebron can keep his silly rings, I’m going for Emmys.” said Shaq.

Kobe Bryant Files For Divorce After Finding Clippers Jersey In Wife’s Closet

empire-sports-kobe-bryant-files-for-divorce-clippers-jerseyLOS ANGELES —

“I know I messed up in the past, but a Clippers jersey? That’s worth me f**king at least two white women,” said the four time All Star MVP Kobe Bryant to TMZ cameras while storming from his home in Los Angeles.

Kobe Bryant returned home Sunday night to find that his wife Vanessa hid a clippers jersey in her closet given to her by the team owner.

“I know its petty, but so is Lebron not cutting off the rest of his hair,” said Kobe referring to the critics that he says will attack him for leaving his wife of 1 years over a jersey, but says its the principle of it. “That headband ain’t fooling nobody Lebron. We still see it.”

Kobe refused to name the player whos jersey he found in his wife’s closet, but did say, “His last name rhymes with Pippen, but he ain’t black and that n**ga will never play with Jordan.”

Kobe Bryant Wanted To Divorce Wife For Kim Kardashian; Rejected By Kim

empire-sports-kobe-bryant-rejected-by-kim-kardashian-kanya-westLOS ANGELES— 

Who came first when it comes to Kim Kardashian? Ray J or Kanye West? If you have heard Ray Js hit song then you know he “hit it first”, but whats really matters in this case is who is going to hit it last.

Kim Kardashian has had her turn around the block, dating several different types of athletes and stars. Almost like a line to a roller coaster you have to wait in line to get a ride, and if your patience you’ll get your turn.

Thought s like these may be the case for all start basketball player Kobe Bryant who admitted earlier this week, that he planned on divorcing his wife at a chance with Kim Kardashian. Bryant admitted he had a heavy crush on Kim since her sex tapes were released years ago.

His attempts to get to Kim haven’t been going well, a statement by Kim K claiming “I don’t care how famous or good looking his is, he fell off in the NBA”.

With a statement like this it dawns on you how shallow Kim can really be. When hearing he next statement you’ll grow to hate her even more.

“I’m happy with my life, and don’t need the drama of another man screwing my relationship up. Maybe If Lebron’s name was dropped, I’d consider a change”.

With this news it is clear that Bryant is out of the picture, until he starts becoming the top dog in the NBA again. It is not clear what Bryant plans to do about his wife, and whether he will wait out for Kim to come running, or toe the not again with his ex.


LeBron James Trashes Michael Jordan; Plans to Air The Decision 2: The Decisioning

empire-sports-lebron-james-decision-leaving-miami-lakers-cleveland-nbaMIAMI, FLORIDA—

Miami Heat star and best-basketball-player-in-the-Universe LeBron James took a lot of “heat” (pun intended) when he aired The Decision TV special back in 2010.  Most saw it as an awkward, ill-conceived, self-absorbed publicity stunt not befitting the premiere star in his sport.

But now James plans to make amends.  After resurrecting his reputation with three straight trips to the finals, two championships, a second Olympic gold medal, and multiple MVP awards, he’s looking for a new challenge.  Restless and possibly bored in Miami, there are several teams interested in his services – let’s say all of them.  Realistically, very few choices make sense; maybe New York, now that they have Phil Jackson calling the shots, the two Los Angeles teams, and Cleveland, where he can return home a conquering hero and pretend Dan Gilbert never wrote all that stuff IN ALL CAPS!

James is on top of the world, and seemingly has everything going for him both on and off the court.  He plays with a confidence and seriousness that escaped him earlier in his career, and his endorsement opportunities are fruitful and limitless.  However, there seems to be something missing for him, perhaps it was all of the overblown hate and vitriol that came in the wake of his decision to leave Cleveland.

“Things have been too easy,” James lamented, “All this damn winning and adulation, and being worshipped like a modern day Kratos, the Greek God of strength and power, I’m just like, whatever, man.”  This kind of talk has people around the NBA thinking James may be ready to jump ship on Miami President Pat Riley and the notoriously shallow Heat fans.

“To that end, I plan on airing a sequel; The Decision 2: The Decisioning, which will show me planning on making an eventual decision, and all the steps involved in the making of that ultimate decision,” said James,  “which could happen at any time during the 2014 offseason, I haven’t yet decided.“

Steeped in hubris, James appears headed down the path of most resistance, seeking challenges that only mere mortals can dream of overcoming.  He even took a not-so-veiled shot at the player most consider the greatest of all time, Michael Jordan.

“I used to be the most hated man in sports, and I never thought that was fair. Now I’m beloved and admired except by a certain someone who used to play this game and wore my same number, ‘Michael’ something or another.  I think he’s somehow involved in the daily operations of the Charlotte Duckbills or some D-League team, I can’t remember.  Whatever.”


Phil Jackson Gets 3AM Prank Call From Lakers Owner Jim Buss

empire-sports-phil-jackson-jim-buss-prank-call-la-lakersPLAYA DEL REY, CALIFORNIA

Very early this morning, embattled Lakers owner Jim Buss made a phone call to legendary coach Phil Jackson.  Unfortunately for Phil, it was not the one he and most Lakers fans had been hoping for.  Still somewhat groggy, Jackson recounted the story to Marc Stegewick of the Los Angeles Times.

“I heard a lot of low-pitched giggling,” said Jackson, the 11-time NBA championship winning coach, “and then a voice asking if my refrigerator was running.”  I knew it was Jim because my cell phone said ‘Jim Buss,’ plus – he’s my brother-in-law. Even though we don’t talk often, I do recognize his voice.”

Jackson asked why he was calling him so early, remembering how he was woken up in the middle of the night back in November 2012, when he was passed over for current Lakers coach Mike D’Antoni (62-74 record).

“He paused, then changed his voice a little bit and asked if I had Prince Albert in a can,” continued Jackson, “I just hung up, started my meditation a little earlier than usual, and then decided to take the GM job with the Knicks.”

The Lakers owner, often called Jim “Short” Buss by disgruntled Lakers fans, denied being on the other end of the phone call.

“Uh… that wasn’t me,” he said.  Asked what message he had for fans of the 16-time World Champions, Buss was surprisingly honest.

“Screw ‘em.  Look, our fans are pretty spoiled and entitled, and I think it’s my responsibility to show them what it’s like when your favorite team gets run into the ground by an inept owner.  They need a dose of reality!”

Jackson is scheduled to arrive in New York by the end of the week for a press conference.  He even sounded surprised himself, “If you would have told me a few years ago that Jim Dolan would be the better owner to work for, I’d have said you were crazy. Remember, this was a guy that paid Isaiah Thomas $24 million to grope women and fronts his own embarrassingly shitty blues-rock band.”

Lakers Consider Move Back To Minnesota

empire-sports-los-angeles-lakers-relocate-minnesota-jim-buss-kobeLOS ANGELES, CA-

After suffering the worst defeat in franchise history Los Angeles Lakers owner Jim Buss stated that the team will consider a move back to Minnesota.

The Lakers were blown out 142-94 by their crosstown rivals the Los Angeles Clippers Thursday and it seems as if the ownership has thrown in the towel.

“There are two main factors as to why we are doing so poorly this season,” Buss said in a post-game interview. “They are the players and the coach.”

When asked is the management and ownership had anything to do with the team’s nosedive Buss replied, “Hell no. My daddy built one of the greatest sports franchises in history and my sister is dating the greatest coach this game has ever seen. How could we be responsible?”

After drinking several shots of Old Grand-Dad bourbon in front of a disbelieving press corps, Buss hinted the he may move the team back to Minneapolis, Minnesota, the team’s original hometown.

“There is too much pressure to win in this town. Just ask Dwight Howard,” he said. “Hell I might as well move the tram back to Minneapolis. Those fans would appreciate us.”

When asked if he was serious or if it was the bourbon talking Buss responded, “Hell yes I’m serious. We would be gods over there. Do you know how desperate Minneapolis is for a professional sports team? They’re snowed in half the time. We could go 0-82 and still sell out every game. And the best part is that I wouldn’t have to give away free tickets to a d-bag like Justin Beiber.”

The Lakers are currently experiencing one of their worst seasons in franchise history. Kobe Bryant and Steve Nash have been hurt and have missed most of the season. This leaves the team with only one All-Star caliber player in Pau Gasol.

Gasol has had an ongoing feud with head coach Mike D’Antoni and it has been rumored that one of them will not be back next season.

When asked about this Buss said, “I hope neither of them come back. That would save me a lot of money. Do you know how much some of these players make? It’s incredible.”

At this point Jim Buss started mumbling incoherently, climbed on top of the press table and passed out. As the reporters filed out it was reported that Buss mumbled, “I should have traded Dwight when I had the chance.”

Carmelo Anthony Moving To Lakers Is Done Deal

Empire-sports-carmelo-anthony-lakersNEW YORK-

Somehow, despite Kobe’s massive new 2-year contract, the Lakers still have enough money to field a team of more than one player for next season.

An anonymous source has reported that New York Knicks forward Carmelo Anthony turned down an offer from Chicago in anticipation that he will sign with the Los Angeles Lakers this summer.

“It’s a done deal,” said the source, “we are just waiting on a few things to be worked out before the contract is signed.”

Carmelo, an offensive juggernaut who at one point led the NBA in shot attempts per game, will have to find a way to split attempts with Kobe Bryant and some other players that no one cares about.

In anticipation of Carmelo joining the team, Lakers coach Mike D’Antoni has requested a rule change to allow two balls to be used in a game at the same time in order to increase the odds that someone besides Kobe or Carmelo will get a shot.

Lakers Owner Jerry Buss has also begun negotiations with backers to secure funds which would allow them to increase the height of the roof at the Staples Center in order to contain the egos of both Kobe and Carmelo.

When asked how much higher the new roof would have to be, Buss commented, “I don’t know, 50-60 feet?  Hell, we might have to take the damn thing off.”