LOS ANGELES, CA—

Frustrated and angry about the widespread criticism he has recently received from African-Americans, Kobe Bryant has scheduled a series of surgeries designed to make him white. He has hired one of the late Michael Jackson’s former surgeons and will begin treatments immediately. Bryant’s transformation from Negroid to Caucasoid will include a nose job, skin bleaching and, of course, penis reduction surgery.

Bryant incurred the wrath of African-Americans and the American Left during a recent interview when he said he didn’t support defending someone just because he is black. His comment was in reference to the shooting death of Trayvon Martin by George Zimmerman.

“I won’t react to something just because I’m supposed to, because I’m African-American,” said Kobe. “That’s why I don’t eat fried chicken and watermelon. I don’t like ‘em. So I don’t eat ‘em. I’m not gonna eat fried chicken and watermelon just because that’s what black folks do. You want to know what I like to eat? Quinoa. That’s right. Quinoa. In fact, I’m very excited to announce that after the Lakers fail to make the playoffs, I’ll be releasing a book of recipes called “Kobe’s Quinoa Favorites.”

Bryant’s controversial statement immediately struck a chord with America’s social media minions, who unanimously denounced the fading NBA legend. Sources close to Bryant said he was furious over the backlash, and immediately began making plans to change his race.

When reached for comment, Bryant did not mince words. “I’ve had it with these ignorant burr-heads,” said Kobe. “I’m quittin’ hoops and moving to Vermont.”

Adding fuel to the fire, African-American civil rights leader Rev. Leonard Washington has announced a boycott of Bryant and the NBA. Washington believes Bryant should be forced to apologize or face suspension from the league.

“Mr. Bryant’s incendiary rhetoric is borderline treasonous to the black race,” said Washington. “Clearly, this is someone whose penchant for perverse behavior extends far beyond the bedroom.”

When informed of Bryant’s decision to surgically alter his race, Washington responded, “Well, one less sodomite in the hood is fine by me.”

Bryant refused further comment but has vehemently denied reports that he will be appearing in an upcoming infomercial for Proactiv Face Cream.