BOSTON, Massachusetts – 
During game 5 of the Boston Bruin’s first round of playoff games, there were plenty of stars on the ice to bring home a win over the Detroit Red Wings, 4-2. In the stands, though, there was another big star – and he wouldn’t stop running his mouth around the entirely wrong crowd.
Canadian teen pop-star Justin Bieber was given tickets to the game by his management, because as a Canadian it is required that he like hockey. This being a playoff game in Boston, though, it was a horrible idea for Bieber to have an attitude towards Bruins hockey fans.
“He was drunk, screaming at the Bruins players, banging on the glass.” Said Willy Cherie, a Boston fan who was sitting a row behind Bieber. “We paid good money for our seats, and we wanted to see Boston destroy Detroit, and here’s this dumb ass kid, who got in for free I’m sure, and he’s yelling, calling the players names, calling all the fans around him names…he really was out of his mind drunk.”
According to reports, Bieber, who is not even old enough to drink in the United States, arrived at the game drunk, and was denied beer at the concession stand. At some point during the game, members of his posse were able to procure Bieber some unknown alcohol in a flask, and it wasn’t long before the pansy lightweight was completely obliterated.
During a break in action during the 2nd period, Bieber allegedly called a Boston fan sitting near him a “fat ass pice of s**t,” and shoved the fan because he was wearing a Bruins jersey. The fan, whose first name is Tom but whose last name has not been released for privacy reasons, punched Bieber across the face, and was immediately tackled by members of Bieber’s security team, who were posed as other fans seated near him. They allegedly threw him to the ground, where they held him down so Bieber could get a few punches and kicks in, because it would be impossible for him to ever hit someone in a fair fight.
“…And then they all took off in a hell of hurry.” Said Bryan Camden, another witness at the game. “After people around realized what was happening, they ran towards Bieber’s crew, ready to pull them off the poor guy, but the jerks saw everyone coming at them and got out of there.”
Security at the TD Garden, where the game was being held, brought Tom to the medical station, where it was found he had a broken rib and wrist, as well as bruises to most of his face and neck.
Within just an hour, Bieber and three members of his security team were found and arrested where they were brought to Boston Police headquarters for booking. A week later, the members of security (who were all US citizens) are still in jail, not able to pay their bail, and Bieber is scheduled to go before a judge in the Massachusetts Commonwealth District Court, were he will face an almost likely deportation to Canada.
Herbert R. Chipper, the lawyer representing the Commonwealth, gave a brief statement to the press on Tuesday, where he stated that he had a “good feeling” that they would finally be able to rid the U.S. of Bieber.
“Young Bieber has had several arrests in this country since he became a prominent figure. He’s had issues with drinking, marijuana, speeding, car accidents, fights – and this one tops it all.” Said Chipper in his statement. “Normally deportation is reserved for violent cases, such as rape or murder, but when you’re a pompous prick who has the singing talent of a walrus in heat, we will throw anything we can at you to make sure you never set foot on our great land again. That’s how we got rid of Bryan Adams, too.”
Tom the fan is preparing a lawsuit against the pop singer, but so far neither he nor his lawyers have cited any specifics. Bieber has a scheduled hearing for Wednesday, and is currently out on $20,000 bail. If deported, it is unclear whether he will face any jail time in his native Canada, or if they’ll just forget all aboot it, eh?
