SOCHI – After years of speculation from the average fan that there is no way somebody sat down and wrote down a set rule book for all these “dumb little sports” a 2014 Winter Games Judge, who asked us to keep his identity secret, has admitted that “a large portion, probably half of these rules are completely made up. Utter bullshit.” The judge also said that many times he has been asked to judge events he’d never heard of until hours before the event. “Christ, I remember get asked to judge that freaking biathlon, at first I’m thinking ‘Okay, just looks like a normal cross-country skiing type of thing seems normal enough’ and then they start pulling out weapons. I mean who thought that up? Who sat down and said hey skiing is fun and all but you know what it needs? Rifle shooting.”

This came, surprisingly, as not much of a shock to the athletes. “Oh, I had my suspicions when on my scorecard somebody just wrote ‘really sweet spins, but your outfit doesn’t do much for your body,” said figure skater Annete Rogers of the United States, “hell, to be honest I barley know the rules. I’m out there dancing to a song on ice, you tell me how to score that.”

But where does it stop? After digging a little farther I found out that it wasn’t just the judges and athletes who were clueless, it’s even found its way into the television booth reaching the announcers. An announcer from Men’s Slopestyle told our staff, “Have you heard some of the names I’m coming up with in the booth? You think there’s actual names for these things? No. I’m bucking for a hosting job on a new morning television show but instead I’m in this godforsaken country coming up with moves called the ‘McTwist’ and ‘Shredding the Gnar’ what does that even mean? Shredding the Gnar?”

“Though it hasn’t quite been reduced to flipping a coin to determine the winner… it’s pretty damn close.” Said our anonymous Olympic Judge. “In a weird way, this should energize the fans, you know just as much, if not more than I do! Oh shit, I gotta run I’m due to judge the two-men bobseld finals. Haha, this should be a fun one.”