WASHINGTON, DC—

A new study from the Pew Research Center verifies that joggers who have the time to run long distances on a daily basis are actually all unemployed with no responsibilities whatsoever.

“Our findings confirmed what many always suspected to be true,” announced head researcher Dr. David Newman. “Those people running while the rest of the employed nation sleeps and those people jogging on paths during the evening commute home do not work day jobs and have nothing to worry about except physical fitness.”

Based on the thousands of interviews in the study, joggers reportedly don’t have relationships to attend to, families to take care of, or any of the other daily obligations that drain the average American worker of the energy necessary to run several miles per day.

“Joggers also nap the entire day and do nothing else.” Dr. David and his team are currently working on a report that shows how people in the gym at 5:00 AM were all born with those bodies and are currently on cocaine.