NEW YORK CITY-

You would think the NBA would be more careful about the kind of sponsors they bring on board. Having for a sponsor, a pill that is intended to keep people awake, might not send the best message about their product. I guess the NBA does not care as long as the money is green, and their new playoff sponsor, No-Doz has plenty of the green.

The NBA is notorious for its never ending playoff set up. There are too many teams involved, the west coast games stay on until the wee hours of the night, and they last for months. They are pretty ridiculous to be honest. What is the point of the Heat playing the Bobcats? I assume this is the point of No-Doz coming on as a sponsor for the NBA playoffs. You need chemical infusions just to stay awake during these early rounds.

We put in a call to the commissioner’s office to get a quote about the No-Doz issue. To our amazement, we got a quick call back, not from a flunky spokesperson, but from commissioner Adam Silver himself. Silver was not too happy about our questions, and was quick to let us know that it was his final decision to bring No-Doz on as a playoff sponsor. “You think we do not know how this looks? We are not idiots over here. Just because old man Stern has left the building, does not mean things are just willy nilly here. I know what I am doing!”, Silver yelled. Silver told us that it was no secret that the playoffs are too long, somewhat boring, are played too late at night, and are ultimately meaningless in the larger scope of life. He went on to say, “Why the hell do you think No-Doz wanted to advertise with us. They do focus groups you know, and the number of people that said they had trouble keeping their eyes open during a NBA playoff game was staggering. During first round games, 83% of males between 25 and 40 years old, reported waking up on a drool stained couch the next morning, with no recollection of anything after the 1st quarter.”

After being berated by the new commish with his stats, we interviewed some NBA fans about problems staying conscious during the playoffs. Henry Rotel, a Heat fan, told us, “I usually have to sit in a tub of ice water to make sure I do not fall asleep in rounds one and two.” In talking with a Hawks fan (yes we actually found one), we got an earful of illegal activities. Thomas Galon, who lives just outside the ATL, said he had never heard of No-Doz before their ads started running during game one of the Hawks v Pacers series. “I usually have to call my meth dealer before a playoff game”. I have even hired a cheap hooker to wake me up when I drift off before the game ends, and also for sex of course,” Galon stated. After getting more responses like the ones above, we now think that No-Doz is the least of the NBA’s problems.