Tag Archives: ESPN

Skip Bayless Converts To Buddhism

empire-sports-skip-bayless-converts-buddhism-religion-espn-hate-newsThe demon child of debate, Skip Bayless, may be looking for a new gig. It seems the loud mouthed, hate filled, ESPN employee is now a practicing Buddhist, according to reports from the always reliable source, Twitter. If you know anything about Buddhism, you understand that it promotes peace and acceptance of your fellow man and yourself. If you are aware of Bayless’s act, then you know he makes a living by arguing and yelling at other people. The Skipper gets into heated debates about inconsequential topics in order to fill up time on ESPN until real programming begins later in the day. The peaceful forces of Buddhism and the vitriolic forces of Baylessism will be hard to reconcile in my opinion.

We reached out to ESPN representatives for comment on the news about one of their high profile talking heads going Buddhist on them. They basically said they had no opinion on any ESPN worker’s religion or lack of belief. But they did hint that any outside forces that adversely affected an on air personality could cause issues with their programming. They would not elaborate, but that is what I am here to do. Basically, if Skip Bayless and his new found faith get in the way of ESPN’s agenda of “moronic debate for the sake of more moronic debate”, then Bayless can be replaced. There is a mile long line of guys who would like to deposit that nice ESPN draw for simply pretending to be outraged at what their debate opponent has to say each day.

Bayless will have a hard time keeping his gig at ESPN if he finds himself just nodding approvingly with everything Stephen A. Smith has to say. I can see it now, Smith would get weary from shouting down a tranquil Skip Bayless who just sits in the Lotus position smiling, and humming. It is hard to have a fake argument when one party no longer wants to participate, but rather seeks enlightenment and wants to hug everyone on an hourly basis.

If this Buddhist conversion is a reality, then I congratulate Skip on his new found happiness. Even if it costs him his fake debate job at the evil 4 letter network, it will be worth it for him. Bayless was apparently a well thought of writer early in his career, but now has turned into a caricature of everything wrong with journalism at ESPN. I would imagine that Bayless has to take a hand full of sleeping pills each night just so his conscious allows him to get some rest. Being an obnoxious jerk can really take a toll on a man. Congrats to Skip on his apparent transformation.

Erin Andrews Suspended From Fox Sports; Forced To Finish High School

empire-sports-erin-andrews-suspended-fox-news-espn-fired-high-school-sex-tape-diplomaAccording to sources, Fox Sports mannequin Erin Andrews will take a leave of absence in order to study for her high equivalency diploma. Although her position requires no intelligence or expertise whatsoever, Andrews believes adding a GED to her portfolio will make her more marketable. Clearly, very little thought has gone into the matter.

Andrews was, of course, stripped of her high school diploma and Bachelor of Arts degree from the University of Florida in 2004 when it was revealed she received passing grades from teachers and professors in exchange for sexual favors. She was subsequently hired by ESPN the same year. Many insiders believe she used Chris Berman’s infamous casting couch to procure a position with the all sports network.

“They don’t call him Boomer for nothing,” said analyst Tom Jackson. “Erin was hired after her first ‘interview’ with Chris, and was still walking with a conspicuous limp several days later.” (It is rumored that commentator Skip Bayless was hired under similar circumstances.)

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, one Fox executive said this of Andrews: “We all had her, even the guys who didn’t have anything to do with her next promotion. This is one woman willing to do anything to get on TV… and then some.”

Embarrassed by the scandal, Andrews went public and, during an emotional press conference, admitted that, despite graduating from high school and college, she had never learned to read or write.

Inspired by her inexplicable popularity, Andrews received Cosmopolitan magazine’s “Against All Odds” award, and was praised for “making her mark in a man’s profession despite an obvious inability to think coherently and form intelligible sentences.” Andrews would later serve as the focus of an article entitled, “How to Sleep Your Way to the Top.”

It is a well-known television industry secret that Andrews worked as a high-priced call-girl while at the U of F in order to pay her way through college. Perhaps it was this sordid chapter of her life that motivated Erin to become a spokesperson for the “Leaving the Life” foundation, an organization dedicated to bringing normalcy to the lives of former prostitutes.

Tutors for Andrews report she is close to mastering her ABCs, and is scheduled to begin addition and subtraction lessons next week.

Blake Griffin Admits He Is Albino

empire-sports-blake-griffin-admis-albino-whiteLos Angeles, California-

One of the most exciting players in the game has a confession that will either shock you, or make sense. The 6’10 power forward has admitted this week that he is an Albino American, and isn’t going to hide in the shadows anymore. Even though if he is an Albino maybe the shadows aren’t the worse spot for him, seeing how the sun can really leave a burn mark for pale people.

Griffin made the announcement after a team mates continued to insult him about his pale complexion. The tainting must have triggered an emotion in Griffin, as it is clear that he has been hiding this secret for several years now.

“It doesn’t matter how many top 10 plays I have on ESPN, people who not stop bothering me for the fact that I was extremely pale in there eyes” said Griffin

“I got to a point were all I wanted to do was beat the hell out of any one that made a remark, and that isn’t my style at all. I decided to admit to being Albino finally, because I felt the bullying would stop, and I’d get some piece of mind. So far people have been extremely supportive, and I am glad I made the call to tell my peers about who I really am” said Griffin

With news of Griffin being Albino sponsors, and NBA officials have been contacting him off the way. Since the announcement Griffin has picked up sponsorships with sun screen, umbrella, and hat companies all over the nation.

“It tough to be a white guy in the NBA, and to some how be whiter, then white I know I have a long journey ahead of me, but I’m willing to take the trip. Just as long as it isn’t to long sunny out.” said Griffin


ESPN Forcing Bomani Jones To Drop Weight

empire-sports-espn-force-bomani-jones-lose-weight-fat-outside-the-linesBRISTOL, CONNECTICUT— 

In one of the strangest stories we have seen in a while here at Empire Sports, ESPN is crossing the line of good sense. One of their most popular and talented personalities, Bomani Jones, is being forced to drop some weight. Jones appears regularly on “Around The Horn” and is part of Dan LeBatard’s show on ESPN 2, called “Highly Questionable”. Jones learned of the contract stipulation this morning, then went on twitter to expose ESPN’s ridiculous stance on his body weight.

Jones apparently thought it was some kind of prank from one of his ESPN buddies. Those are some “zany” guys over there in Connecticut you know. But it was for real. The evil four letter network was serious about Bomani’s weight issues. Now if you have seen Mr. Jones in his various roles on the TV shows, you know is already pretty skinny. And by pretty skinny, I mean he is a twig-like man.

We had to dig deeper into this story, for no other reason than the fact that it made no sense. We all have read about female celebrities who must maintain an attractive body weight to keep a role on a television show. In this case it did not seem to fit the situation. If Jones lost anymore weight, he would run the risk of being virtually invisible. It took us a while to get anyone at the billion dollar network to talk to us about this ordeal.

Finally we got hold of Irma Wattz, a make up artist at ESPN, who was not afraid to speak out. Wattz told us that Bomani was being targeted to lose weight because of Dan Lebatard and his dad, Papi. The Lebatards were not the ones pushing the weight issue but were the cause of the problem, according to Wattz. “Those two fat asses from Miami are taking up so much room on camera that there is hardly room for BOJO. The network knows there is no way those two guys are going to lose any weight so they are going after Bomani. Dan and his daddy have gotten 22% larger since ‘Highly Questionable’ started, and they are showing no signs of slowing down”, Wattz said. She let us know that Lebatard & Papi are nice guys, but no contract stipulation on earth could stop them from eating their way to a TLC reality show about their 600 pound life.

We asked some camera techs at the network if they had considered a wider angle camera lens for the show, but they said it would take a NASA type camera for viewing distant stars. “ESPN just doesn’t have that kind of money”, they told us.