KANSAS CITY, KS—
Leave it up to Justin Beiber to generate a ton of cash in a short amount of time. The Beibs did not raise this money personally, but he played an integral part in it. It seems that a small junior college in Kansas decided to put on a charity event involving the pop star to raise money for homeless real estate agents. The organizer of the charity, Sheila Ledbetter, said she got the idea for the charity event while driving her kids to school. “My kids and I kept hearing the same songs from Justin Beiber every day in the car, not to mention all the celebrity gossip about the guy. I had to change the station four times each morning to get away from that little singer”, she said.
Ledbetter, whose own sister is a homeless real estate agent, came up with the idea of playing Beiber songs at their local JUCO basketball game. The money raised for the charity would happen by asking basketball fans at the game to donate in order to stop the music for 2 minutes. It was a stroke of genius, since everyone likes to help a charity and 99% of humans hate Justin Beiber music.
It only took about 30 minutes to reach the charity’s lofty goal of $106,000! Fans were booing and tossing every dollar they had into the buckets that were being passed around the gym. It was a sight to see according to some twitter users at the game, who reported on the event with the hashtags #beibersux and #itsAhateOfferring. Even though lots of folks were pitching in, the town was not exactly full of rich people. If you have homeless real estate agents in your city, then the population at large is not exactly setting the world on fire with their income. Ledbetter estimated the total cash was at about $6,000 when a gentleman walked up to her at the game and gave her a check for $100K to stop the music for the rest of the game. The big giver was Fred Snicklberger, a local guy who was known as an internet guru of some sort. We called Mr. Snicklberger’s office for his comments on why he gave so much. He said there were two reasons for his generous gift to the charity. One, he hated seeing human suffering and he was seeing plenty of it at the JUCO basketball game with the Beiber music playing. The other grounds for donating to the charity was the fact that Mr. Snicklberger had become a millionaire though Google Adsense by operating a website promoting the deportation of the Justin Beiber. “It just seemed like the right thing to do. I made my money on Beiber and I saw this charity as a chance to give some back to the community because of him and his terrible music”, stated Snicklberger.
If you thought the world was full big corporate executives running over the little guy, well….. you were right. But there is always the exception and sometimes seemingly corrupt big wheels do the right thing. That is what happened this morning when NCAA President Mark Emmert sent out a press release saying the NCAA will donate the entire revenue from their college basketball tournament to five different charities. In the statement Emmert says that he can no longer stomach looking at himself in the mirror so something had to be done about the unfair practices of the NCAA. “We have all these ‘student athletes’ playing their hearts out on the court and getting zero cash for it. We, as the governing body of major collegiate sports, basically raped CBS for about a billion dollars last year SON! We just cannot keep conducting business this way. Many of us leaders are frankly afraid of the bad karma that we have already built up and we have to try and reverse it by giving back”, the statement read.
This news has shocked the sports world and the players that are involved in March Madness this year. People have always assumed the NCAA would just keep raking in the cash until schools wised up and got together to put on their own tournament so they could reap all the benefits from the TV money. One anonymous player from Wichita St. was befuddled by the news of the money going to charities though. He did not understand why the charities were getting all the money and the players were left out once again. “Dude, I got rims to pay for, two baby mamas to keep up, and six cousins in my entourage that need to get paid a weekly salary”, player X said. Another player from the ACC said that he can hardly make ends meet since he cannot work even a part time job because of idiotic NCAA rules. The Senior point guard stated that he has resorted to selling gigs on Fiverr.com where he hangs a business sign around his neck and dunks a basketball for $5…with a bag on his head to remain anonymous to the NCAA. Shameful indeed.
The five charities that will be dividing up the $1 billion from the NCAA will be The Red Cross, United Way, Habitat For Humanity, Water.org, and The U.A.H.W.S.C.O.O. We called the NCAA office about the last charity and were told only that it was a charity close to the hearts of President Emmert and some other leaders of the organization. After a little digging, it turns out it stands for ‘Underprivileged Asian Hookers We Like To Sniff Cocaine Off Of’. That may have been the least shocking part of this story.