Tag Archives: cannibalism

Tragedy: Fans Who Stuck Around For Bruno Mars’ Marathon Concert Dead

Bruno, who seemingly had no idea of the events occurring, sings happily well into the ninth day of this concert
Bruno, who seemingly had no idea of the events occurring, sings happily well into the ninth day of this concert

RUTHERFORD, NJ – Though the average fan had thought the NFL season had wrapped up, the devoted fans note that halftime performer, Bruno Mars, was still performing days and even weeks after the end of the televised portion of his concert. While many though this was the end of the performance, it was merely the beginning. A diehard group of fans stuck around, and sadly the event staff at MetLife stadium weren’t able to produce the necessary provisions for the estimated 2,500 people there. Reports indicate at least six people died and a handful more are still recovering in a local New Jersey hospital.

The staff at empiresports.co was lucky enough to speak to one of the survivors, Pro-Milkshake Critic, Dianne Hansen, who had these harrowing comments: “The staff stopped showing up to clean the restrooms, it quickly became a Zoo, the Superbowl was on Sunday, I’d say by Wednesday the field was just stricken with feces and urine. I mean, don’t get me wrong listening to Bruno for literally hundreds of hours was well worth it, and it’s a shame so many people died.”

A spokesperson from the NFL, Darrell Stephens was spoken with, he released a statement saying, “While we are horrified and shocked at the brutality and death count of this concert, what the hell were these people thinking staying at this concert for so long? What did they eat?”

Stephens did raise some interesting thoughts, for that we dug into security tapes of the field. You can see early on that people began as you may expect, they first exhausted the stadium vendors, quickly moving to wild birds they had trapped. However, once the birds wised up the humans reacted in a way that appears to be ripped out of some sort of Stephen King film or what one might come to expect from a starving wagon circle in the Oregon Trail in the 19th century: they began resorting to cannibalism. Happily we report the youngest victim of these horrid crimes was only 19, so no minors were eaten alive.

Bruno Mars, the performer, seemed to not take any notice of it when pressed by our crack squad of journalists he merely said “Jesus, they were ——- eating each other out there? I knew they sounded weird. Weird and like, really, really hungry. Oh Christ not again my publicist is gonna chew my — out.”

Fans who did survive the melee and violence vehemently asked the writer of the story to include the fact that despite the gore, feces, and death the concert was great.

“Seriously, on the 8th day he did a version of ‘Wanna Be A Billionare’ like you couldn’t believe. Two thumbs up!” -Barbara Sands, Spanish Language Enthusiast

“Despite the fact I can’t get the taste of human blood out of my mouth, it was a excellent show. I gained a lot of respect for Bruno.” -Barney Lyon, Alexander Hamilton Impersonator

“Though around the 6th night there was a tiny bit of a lull, he really rebounded, day 11 was my personal favorite. I mean my mother was eaten alive on day 6 so maybe that marred my memory a bit.” -Aaron Fransisco, Welcome Mat Maker