Tag Archives: Boston Red Sox

Boston Red Soxs Break New Ground And Sign Homeless Man

empire-sports-boston-red-sox-sign-homeless-man-beard-john-farrellBOSTON, MA—

Anticipations are running high for the players in Fenway this upcoming season, after a historic past year. The Boston Red Soxs did what most thought could never be done again, and won a World Series title.

Rumors have been floating that their success could have been brought by the pack of beards they grew during the season. Almost everyone on the team had a beard growing, even the bat boy was growing out some peach fuzz. These rumors may have made the Red Soxs team more superstitious then before. Coming into this season expect a new face to take the roster of the Soxs, a free agent, that was not on any teams radar.

The reasoning behind this person being completely unknown in the baseball world is because this person has no experience in the baseball world at all. It turns out the person that the team picked up happens to be a homeless gentlemen that sleeps in the dumpster behind their stadium.

“Well, we weren’t sure what to expect, but once we saw that magical beard we knew he’d make the right fit in our organization” said the socks General Manager

“I mean he looks extremely weak in practice, and no matter how many times we hit the showers a day, nothing will break that smell he carries with him.”

Still, the Soxs are optimistic that once the season start he will be their go to player.

“Once we get him to stop peeing on himself, and sober I really think this pick up will pay off. That beard only is worth a large salary, and once we find a position for him, heads up”

The homeless gentlemen’s stats have not been released, but it is rumored that in practice he is 0 for 216 in batting, and some how found a way to get out on a walk.


David Ortiz Stabbed Outside Taco Bell During Argument Over Burrito

empire-sports-david-ortiz-stabbed-taco-bell-argument-burritoBOSTON, MA—

The Boston Red Sox have announced that slugger David Ortiz may miss several games after being stabbed outside a downtown Boston Taco Bell during an argument over a burrito.

According to a police report, “Big Papi” was forcibly removed from the establishment after attempting to eat food that belonged to another customer. A scuffle ensued and employees intervened but the confrontation spilled outside where the men briefly exchanged blows before Ortiz was knifed in the stomach. His assailant disappeared on foot and remains at large.

“He was out of money but still wanted more food,” said manager Willie Prader. “When we refused, he grabbed a burrito off another gentleman’s table and made a dash for the exit. The other guy tackled Mr. Ortiz and the two men wrestled on the floor before being separated and escorted outside.”

Though not life threatening, Ortiz’s wound will likely require several weeks of rehab.

The incident is particularly unfortunate since Ortiz had recently dropped 20 pounds off his notoriously gargantuan frame, bringing him down to around 250. He has been on a strict diet under doctor supervision for several months but apparently fell off the wagon and headed downtown for some long overdue binge eating.

“He was asked to leave an all-you-can-eat Ponderosa earlier in the evening,” said Officer Gary Goldsmith. “Shortly thereafter, a man matching Mr. Ortiz’s description was spotted running from a convenience store after stealing a six pack of beer and fistful of Slim Jims, but a positive identification of the suspect has not been made.”

Ortiz spent much of the off-season having his colon periodically blown out as part of an experimental procedure designed to reduce his excessively ravenous appetite. Illegal in the United States, Ortiz returned to his native Dominican Republic to receive the controversial treatments, and appeared to be responding well. This relapse, however, leaves his fortunes, and those of the Red Sox, in serious doubt.