Tag Archives: Basketball

Kevin Durant Accused of Being Illuminati By Teammates

April 25, 2014 whoisgrimm Leave a comment

OKLAHOMA CITY, Oklahoma –

After a grueling loss to the Memphis Grizzlies earlier in the week, the topic of conversation should be about whether the Oklahoma City Thunder are going to be able to make it through this series. Instead, the only thing anyone is talking about, at least in the Thunder’s locker room, is the possibility of player Kevin Durant’s involvement with the Illuminati, a secret society that is so secret, it’s reported that there haven’t been any real active members in hundreds of years. This hasn’t stopped Durant’s teammates from shunning him during and after games, though.

“There is definitely something up with that kid.” Said head coach of the Thunder Scott Brooks. “He used to be so incredibly nice. He was the most polite person ever. Once the Illuminati got their claws into him, though, things have turned around drastically. Kevin has the second most technical fouls in the league right now. I just don’t know what to do with him.”

The Illuminati was a secret society started in the late 1700s. At that point, it was designed to thwart government power and prejudices. Over time, though, the group changed, and they became less about stopping the powers-that-be from running the country and its people, and move to become the group that ran the world.

“He’s making money. He’s not spending it. We haven’t seen him buy anything extravagant. He lives the life of a pauper outside of the team, and it’s frightening.” Said a member of the team, speaking on the guise of anonymity. “The rest of us guys, we go out and blow money on whatever we want. I’ve got 16 cars in my garage. I’ve got mountains of girls in my bed. I’ve got it all, baby. Durant…man, Kevin, his money, man. He must be giving it all to those Illuminati peoples.”

Reportedly, Durant has been ostracized during pre-game warmups and after game drills.

“They won’t help me out. They won’t pass me the ball in games. I can’t even get any of the guys to talk to me anymore. They think I’m some kind of freak.” said Durant, clearly frustrated with his team’s actions towards him. “I can honestly say that I am not in the Illuminati. I don’t even know who they are or what they’re about. I’m just a kid. Man, I’m 25 years old and I play pro ball. How much do you really think I know about the world? I only heard of the Illuminati the same way everyone else did – watching them movies with Tom Hanks.”

“Well of course he said he’s not Illuminati.” said Brooks, when told about what Durant said. “Did you really think he was going to admit it? All I’m saying is…there are signs.”

Durant could not be reached for further comment. A spokesperson for the NBA, who wishes to remain anonymous, did say that the NBA has their suspicions, but are not currently taking any action at this time. More information will be released as it becomes available.

Headlines, NBA, News

NBA Announces Rule Changes In Attempts To Get More White Players

April 24, 2014 whoisgrimm Leave a comment

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

In a press conference today, NBA commissioner Adam Silver announced several changes to the long-time rules of basketball, rules which have been mostly unchanged since the game’s inception over 100 years ago.

“As you know, we in the NBA strive to be diverse and exciting; keeping our fans on their metaphoric toes is how we fill the seats and line our extremely deep pockets. Starting next year, we are making several changes to not only the general mechanics of the game, but also to uniform and player policies.” Silver announced to a room full of confused sports journalists and fans.

“In 2015, we are going to be requiring each team to cut down on the number of African-American players, and increase the number of white, or “Caucasian”, players. This is to get more in line with the original spirit of the game; a spirit that has dwindled over the 100 years or so since basketball was invented in the small town of Springfield, Massachusetts – the whitest place I’ve ever seen in my life.”

Amid boos and hollering from the crowd, Silver continued to explain that those African-American players who were upset by the rule would certainly be able to find work in other sports in arenas around the world.

“We understand completely that this game, that all sports, really, are played for one reason and one reason only – and that reason is cold hard cash. These men who we are kicking to the curb, they have given their all to the fans and to all of the NBA world for many years – but if we’re being perfectly honest, they can just go and play another game and make tons of money there, too. Look at Jordan. He made boatloads of cash in the MLB.” Silver said. “But, money is what we’re trying to make, too – and these guys, they’re just taking too much from us. Did you know that Rondo is worth over $35 million dollars? I don’t even have that much…and I’m the boss!”

When asked how cutting down on black players would affect the scoring of the games, (because as all fans of both basketball and Woody Harrelson movies know, White Men Can’t Jump) Silver went on to explain another drastic change, one in which raises the scores of more “technical” plays.

“We always wanted the scoring in the NBA to be different, but never could change it while keeping the current player rosters, for fear of the games scoring into the thousands of points, making it all meaningless. With this new rule and a planned drop in the skill of the remaining players, we have also changed the way that scoring will work.”

Silver went on to explain that from the next season onward, slam-dunks and layups would be worth 1 point, baskets from within the key will be 2 points, from outside the key will be 3 points, from past the half-court line will be 5 points, and if any player feels super lucky and wants to try throwing the ball into the basket from under their own, outside of the boundaries of play, they will automatically win the game for their team, regardless of time left on the clock.

Many players, fans, and reporters were understandably outraged at the changes announced by Silver on behalf of the NBA and professional basketball.

“Man, if I had known they was gonna make b-ball this damn lame, I’da never bought them scalped season tickets,” said Mark Waters, a longtime Boston Celtics fan. “We ain’t winning no games with just Kris Humphries throwing the rock ’round.”

Also announced during the conference was a drastic change to all uniforms going forward. In 2015, new rules dictate that all teams will be playing “shirts vs. skins.” Who will play each side will be determined by a best-of-3 game of Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Neither Silver nor a spokesperson for the NBA could be reached for further comment.

NBA, News

Shaq and Barkley Exchange Words, Set Up School-Yard HORSE Game

April 24, 2014 whoisgrimm Leave a comment

HOUSTON, Texas –

On a recent episode of TNT’s Emmy Award-winning program “Inside The NBA,” legendary players-turned-commentators Shaquille O’Neal and Charles Barkley exchange heated words during a discussion about a recent Blazers/Rockets game. O’Neal, who is always vocal in his critique of other players who can still walk without the aid of IcyHot, started off the argument by criticizing Dwight Howard, power forward for the Houston Rockets. Charles Barkley, one time power forward for the Rockets himself, responded by calling O’Neal “overrated,” continuing by saying that O’Neal would “have nothing if it wasn’t for Kobe Bryant.”

“Let me tell you something. I always thought you were overrated anyway. You were a flash in the pan! If it wasn’t for Kobe Bryant, you wouldn’t have anything!” yelled Barkley, seemingly seconds away from jumping across the desk towards O’Neal.

The cameras cut away shortly after the exchange as the program ended, but the words did not stop there. O’Neal picked up on the tirade, calling Barkley a “bald-headed has-been,” before remembering that he, too, was without hair and also just as irrelevant. Barkley retorted with several digs at O’Neal’s spotty career outside of basketball, including mocking the video games and movies based on “Shaq-Fu,” a lame marketing attempt to make kids think that Shaq was a badass in the late 90s, as well as O’Neal’s sad attempt at acting, playing a genie in the forgettable 1996 film KAZAAM.

“You know what, guy? I don’t care what you call me, because I got the respect. I got the rings, too…all you have is your bull**** Shaq-Fu and a f***** up costume left over from your stupid genie movie. You’re a distant memory of what never was!”

Stopping just short of things coming to blows, producers and executives stepped in to remind both ex-players that they had terms in their contracts excluding either one from bringing up the other’s checkered off-court history. Instead, they suggested that both men agree to a one-off game of HORSE at a local elementary school, with the winner being named “King of the Playground” and also getting their name first in the opening credits of “Inside the NBA.”

O’Neal and Barkley agreed to the terms; as of this writing contracts were being reviewed by lawyers for both men. The HORSE game is scheduled to take place later in the month, and it will be televised live by TNT and sister station TBS on most cable networks. Date and time will be announced within the week.

NCAA BB, News

JUCO Basketball Game Raises $106K Via Anti Justin Beiber Charity

March 28, 2014 kctinman Leave a comment

KANSAS CITY, KS—

Leave it up to Justin Beiber to generate a ton of cash in a short amount of time. The Beibs did not raise this money personally, but he played an integral part in it. It seems that a small junior college in Kansas decided to put on a charity event involving the pop star to raise money for homeless real estate agents. The organizer of the charity, Sheila Ledbetter, said she got the idea for the charity event while driving her kids to school. “My kids and I kept hearing the same songs from Justin Beiber every day in the car, not to mention all the celebrity gossip about the guy. I had to change the station four times each morning to get away from that little singer”, she said.

Ledbetter, whose own sister is a homeless real estate agent, came up with the idea of playing Beiber songs at their local JUCO basketball game. The money raised for the charity would happen by asking basketball fans at the game to donate in order to stop the music for 2 minutes. It was a stroke of genius, since everyone likes to help a charity and 99% of humans hate Justin Beiber music.

It only took about 30 minutes to reach the charity’s lofty goal of $106,000! Fans were booing and tossing every dollar they had into the buckets that were being passed around the gym. It was a sight to see according to some twitter users at the game, who reported on the event with the hashtags #beibersux and #itsAhateOfferring. Even though lots of folks were pitching in, the town was not exactly full of rich people. If you have homeless real estate agents in your city, then the population at large is not exactly setting the world on fire with their income. Ledbetter estimated the total cash was at about $6,000 when a gentleman walked up to her at the game and gave her a check for $100K to stop the music for the rest of the game. The big giver was Fred Snicklberger, a local guy who was known as an internet guru of some sort. We called Mr. Snicklberger’s office for his comments on why he gave so much. He said there were two reasons for his generous gift to the charity. One, he hated seeing human suffering and he was seeing plenty of it at the JUCO basketball game with the Beiber music playing. The other grounds for donating to the charity was the fact that Mr. Snicklberger had become a millionaire though Google Adsense by operating a website promoting the deportation of the Justin Beiber. “It just seemed like the right thing to do. I made my money on Beiber and I saw this charity as a chance to give some back to the community because of him and his terrible music”, stated Snicklberger.

Headlines, NCAA BB, News

NCAA To Donate $1 Billion March Madness Money To Charity

March 21, 2014 IamShado Leave a comment

Indianapolis, Indiana—

If you thought the world was full big corporate executives running over the little guy, well….. you were right. But there is always the exception and sometimes seemingly corrupt big wheels do the right thing. That is what happened this morning when NCAA President Mark Emmert sent out a press release saying the NCAA will donate the entire revenue from their college basketball tournament to five different charities. In the statement Emmert says that he can no longer stomach looking at himself in the mirror so something had to be done about the unfair practices of the NCAA. “We have all these ‘student athletes’ playing their hearts out on the court and getting zero cash for it. We, as the governing body of major collegiate sports, basically raped CBS for about a billion dollars last year SON! We just cannot keep conducting business this way. Many of us leaders are frankly afraid of the bad karma that we have already built up and we have to try and reverse it by giving back”, the statement read.

This news has shocked the sports world and the players that are involved in March Madness this year. People have always assumed the NCAA would just keep raking in the cash until schools wised up and got together to put on their own tournament so they could reap all the benefits from the TV money. One anonymous player from Wichita St. was befuddled by the news of the money going to charities though. He did not understand why the charities were getting all the money and the players were left out once again. “Dude, I got rims to pay for, two baby mamas to keep up, and six cousins in my entourage that need to get paid a weekly salary”, player X said. Another player from the ACC said that he can hardly make ends meet since he cannot work even a part time job because of idiotic NCAA rules. The Senior point guard stated that he has resorted to selling gigs on Fiverr.com where he hangs a business sign around his neck and dunks a basketball for $5…with a bag on his head to remain anonymous to the NCAA. Shameful indeed.

The five charities that will be dividing up the $1 billion from the NCAA will be The Red Cross, United Way, Habitat For Humanity, Water.org, and The U.A.H.W.S.C.O.O. We called the NCAA office about the last charity and were told only that it was a charity close to the hearts of President Emmert and some other leaders of the organization. After a little digging, it turns out it stands for ‘Underprivileged Asian Hookers We Like To Sniff Cocaine Off Of’. That may have been the least shocking part of this story.

Opinion

All-President’s Basketball Squad: Happy Belated President’s Day!

February 18, 2014 Ah Leave a comment

barack bball — Barack Played in HS, and installed a court at the White House

In honor of President’s Day yesterday, the staff at empiresports.co has decided to release it’s listing of the first ever All-Presidents Basketball Squad. A team composed entirely of our commanders-in-chief, hope you enjoy and feel free to list your own thoughts below in the comment section.

*During the President’s Athletic Prime*

Point Guard – Barack Obama: Obama played in high school, the only president with organized experience in the game of hoops, and while it has been reported that he was cut from an intramural team in college (they make cuts at that level!?) our current POTUS has also installed a basketball court in the White House, which leads me to believe he spent at least some time there honing his skills.

NBA COMPARISON – Isiah Thomas: The Pistons Isiah Thomas by the way. In my head I picture Obama as a bit of a scoring threat who also isn’t afraid to dish the rock, as well as somebody who can hold up his share of the bargain on the defensive end.

Shooting Guard – John F. Kennedy: Though he was known to struggle with extreme back problems, old JFK played some football at Harvard, as well as holding particularly vicious pick-up football games throughout his life including his presidency. Plus, going through the whole Cuban Missile Crisis would lead you to believe that JFK would be the go to option in close game situations.

NBA COMPARISON – Dwayne Wade: JFK seems like the kind of the guy who would be quick off the dribble and then could smother you defensively. I like to think that Mr. Kennedy is just as smooth of a player as he was with the ladies.

Small Forward – George H.W. Bush: A little known fact is that the elder Bush played baseball at Yale, and he played it well. His Bulldog team even made it to the College World Series in 1948, a season in which he hit for the cycle against North Carolina. His apparent athleticism makes him the perfect fit at the 3.

NBA COMPARISON – Larry Bird: H.W. would be asked to do it all on the team, spot up from 3, get a few boards, defend the other teams best player. Also, like Larry Bird, Bush’s athleticism is something generally forgotten about.

Power Forward – George Washington: Okay, I know basketball wasn’t invented at that point, but come on… Can’t you see the General playing some crazy defense and grabbing every single board? One of the taller presidents, and extremely tall for his time period, Washington would know how to use his size to defeat opponents that seem to be much stronger and larger (see: Revolutionary War) could he lead our squad to the playoffs like he led the army across the Delaware? One could only hope.

NBA COMPARISON – Ben Wallace: Despite the fact that Washington never sported a sick afro like Big Ben, the comparison is the closest fit I believe. Ben was not the tallest, though pretty tall, and was a lockdown defender and great rebounder who left a little to be desired on the offensive end, though he could still hold is own.

Center – Abraham Lincoln: Was there any doubt about this one? The tallest president, Honest Abe was a pretty big fan of baseball and played it recreationally. Also, Abe would presumably be the team’s leader if there was any inter-squad conflict. Tall and lanky, Lincoln would provide some versatility at the 5.

NBA COMPARISON – Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: It’s hard to picture Abe doing anything else on the court but spotting up from the free-throw line with a great big sky-hook. The great emancipator would never be the fanciest of players, but god damn, he would be able to play some beautiful basketball. Honorable Mentions: Jimmy Carter (he just looks like the 3 point specialist you call off the bench) George W. Bush (Bush played football at Yale, plus you’d get the whole Ken Griffey Jr/Sr thing so that’s cool) William Howard Taft (Taft weighed 340 pounds, just imagine that backing you down in the post) Dwight Eisenhower (A star linebacker at West Point and a successful military general, he would bring good court awareness and IQ as well as some natural ability)

Headlines, NBA, News, NFL

Lebron James To Sign With Dallas Cowboys and Leave NBA After Season Ends

February 16, 2014 chillkiller123 Leave a comment

DALLAS, TEXAS-

In 1993 the sports world was stunned when the best player in the NBA, possibly the best player of all time, retired from basketball to pursue a career in baseball. He wasn’t the first player to do so but Michael Jordan was surely the biggest star to try it.

It’s a question that many top athletes have, “can I succeed in a different game?” and it’s one that many have tried. Bo Jackson, Deion Sander, Donovan McNabb, the list goes on, but none as popular as Jordan have followed suit.. until now.

News broke this afternoon that a source close to Lebron James has revealed that he has signed a deal with the Dallas Cowboys and plans to leave the NBA after this season.

The source said Lebron, “felt that he had accomplished everything he wanted to accomplish” and that it’s been a dream of his to play in the NFL. “Lebron wants to try the NFL and with an offer from the Cowboys on the table it’s something he couldn’t pass up. The NBA will be waiting if it doesn’t work out but if he doesn’t take this opportunity he would regret it forever.”

The source confirmed that James will finish out this season with Miami and does hope to end with a third ring.

Cowboy’s owner Jerry Jones responded to the news in a phone interview shortly after news broke. “I am extremely excited that Lebron [James] has decided to play for us. He was, undeniably, a great basketball player, but I believe he can be just as great as a football player.”

There were many happy people in Dallas when the Cowboys landed this basketball superstar. Tony Romo was definitely one of them. “I am unbelievably happy now that I can throw to Lebron! This is great! I will throw to him and Dez [Bryant] on every down!” Romo told us.

So how good will Bron Bron do in his move to football and the NFL? Will he get hurt facing a hard-hitting football team like perhaps the Seattle Seahawks? Can he even catch a football? How fast will he be with all those pads weighing him down? We will just have to wait and find out.

NCAA BB, News

Pitt Fan Charged With Assault After Punching Syracuse Guard Tyler Ennis

February 14, 2014 twinklesmurf Leave a comment

PITTSBURGH, PENNSYLVANIA–

The Pittsburgh Panthers were leading the undefeated and number one Syracuse Orange 56-55 with 4.4 seconds left on the clock. Following a timeout, Syracuse guard Tyler Ennis received the in-bounds pass, dribbled down the hardwood ten feet past the half-court line where he launched up the final shot with one second left. It went in as time expired and the Orange won 58-56 to improve to 24-0 on the season.

You could see it in their eyes, Panther fans were devastated and some even furious at the thought that they were so close to knocking off the number one team in the country. In fact, you could see it in their fist. Pittsburgh fan Dane Johanna had been hiding under the Syracuse bus for an estimated forty-five minutes waiting for the Orange to come aboard. When the team came out of the staff entrance at the back of the arena Johanna saw his chance. According to Syracuse guard C.J. Fair, Johanna jumped out from behind the front wheels of the bus and gave Ennis an uppercut punch to the jaw.

In the mere seconds following the incident Syracuse forward Rakeem Christmas grabbed hold of Johanna and handed him over to security. The fan is now in custody and is facing charges of assault. For Ennis, he was rushed back into the arena for medical attention, his injuries are unknown.

This incident was saddening for both coaches, Jim Boheim was asked about the situation and responded “Well, it is really terrible. Some fans just go to far, I cannot remember another time when a fan just came up and straight punched an opposing player. Hopefully Tyler (Ennis) will be fine and we can move on”. When Pittsburgh coach Jamie Dixon was asked about the altercation he was outraged. “This is just unacceptable, I am furious at the fan and this is exactly not how to react after a loss. Fans like that have no place around sports, they are terrible”.

Syracuse plays next on February 15 at home versus North Carolina State.