ZURICH, Switzerland – 

Some truly bitter news for soccer fans was reported today. After a few years of debate, the board of trustees for the world cup committee have come to an agreement, one that will hurt the USA Soccer team. It has been decided that any team that does not wish to call the sport by its true name, football, will be immediately banned from competition.

It has been reported that they feel that it is disrespectful to call something that it isn’t, and would never do this in any other sport.

“It’s like calling a man a woman, or a Korean a Mexican. We just can’t allow it.” Said Prince Ali Bin Al-Hussein, vice-president of FIFA. “The sport is known in more countries as football, and indeed you primarily use your feet to play. This is not a decision that happened overnight.”

The committee said they felt that out of all the sporting events in this world, besides the Olympics, this is one that caters to all nations, big or small. They feel that if most of the world is on board to play, then they should be on the same page in every aspect of the sport, even the name.

“Football is a beautiful sport, and I’m not talking about the American version were men grab butts, wear tights,  and throw a ball with their hands. I’m talking about the truly exciting sport of football, were men run up and down the field for over an hour, and hug when a single goal is scored.” Said Sepp Blatter, president of FIFA.

There has been no official word by the United States on plans to change their name to the US Football Team, but production has been put in motion by the team owners to create new uniforms and memorabilia. With the US moving along swiftly in World Cup play, owners are just hoping they have a chance to officially change the name before they are disqualified from competition.