Tag Archives: attack

MLB To Allow Players To Run Bases While Holding Bat

empire-sports-mlb-running-with-bat-assault-commishioner-bud-selig-baseball-rule-changeNEW YORK CITY, New York – 

During a press conference this morning, commissioner of Major League Baseball Bud Selig announced another major change to the rules of play in professional baseball. This new announcement comes only weeks after the change to the home-plate collision rule, which makes it against the rules for catchers to block the path of a base-runner sliding into home plate.

The new rule, as Selig explained it, will allow all players to carry their bats with them to each base as they run. The change is being made to further the excitement among fans as players inevitably slide into bases and “accidentally” beat the hell out of the baseman.

“It’s a great change for all players, but it’s an even better change for people watching at home and in the stands. We know those 9 innings can sometimes be a nightmare where nothing at all happens. It’s even worse if the games go long. This change will make every base hit a nail-biter!” Said Selig.

Selig, who has been commissioner of baseball since 1992, reportedly came up with the idea while watching the 1990 film Problem Child starring John Ritter. In the film, a man adopts an unruly child, who in one scene hits a ground ball and immediately runs to each base while holding the bat, clubbing the other kids at each base as he goes.

“I saw that scene and I laughed so hard, and I knew that the fans of MLB would laugh, too. Every time Mark Teixeira takes a nut-shot with a Louisville Slugger they’ll hoot and holler. The rule had to happen.”

Selig said he also thought of changing the name of the “home-run” to a “touchdown,” which is what the boy from Problem Child began chanting after making it around the bases in the film. “I knew that the NFL would never allow us to steal their phrase, though.” said Selig. There is no word whether this new rule supersedes the recent home-plate collision rule.

Players are apparently divided on the new rule, with some actually talking about quitting the game all together.

“I never wanted to have to worry about getting smacked in the jimmies with a baseball bat,” said Derek Jeter, shortstop for the New York Yankees. “It’s bad enough that I have to worry about balls flying at my face. Now I have to worry about long, hard wood, too? It’s just too much for a pretty man like me to have to deal with.”

Neither Selig nor any representative for MLB could be reached at the time of this writing for comment.

Michael Vick Hospitalized In Pit Bull Attack

111413-NFL-Michael-Vick-PI-AA_20131114185506314_660_320PHILADELPHIA–

Does Michael Vick believe in Karma?

Well if he didn’t before I’m sure he does now. Michael Vick was hospitalized in a pit bull attack in downtown Philadelphia this morning. When police investigated the scene they found at least 3 other pit bulls in cages although it didn’t appear that the dogs had been used for fighting.

While the police technically can’t charge Vick with dog-fighting (again), we feel he might have learned his lesson this time around. Apparently, one of the dogs got out of it’s cage and went on a rampage, hospitalizing 7 people including of course Michael Vick.

Michael Vick has experienced a lot of downers lately. Getting charged with dog-fighting, losing his starting job, and now getting hospitalized by a pit bull.

We also have an interview with Michael Vick before he went to the hospital. Interviewer: “Why were you in the same facility as people who were fighting dogs?” Michael Vick: “I did not even know that was a dog fighting lab.” Interviewer: “Were you watching the dogs fight? The cameras caught you going in 3 hours before the incident happened.” MV: “No comment. Can we get out of here please?”

Michael Vick apparently did not want to talk to reporters about the incident. I wonder why.