Tag Archives: Adam Silver

New NBA ‘Fairness’ Rule Forcing Teams To Have White Player On Court At All Times

empire-sports-nba-rule-white-players-legality-honkeysNEW YORK CITY–

A lot of controversy is surrounding the NBA, and a new rule change won’t make a better case for the organization. With stories of Donald Sterling hitting every news station, and the word racism being tossed around frequently, officials from the NBA held a meeting, and have decided on a new rule for next season.

The rule that is being put to place is being called “Sighting” but basically refers to having a white player on both teams constantly on the court. The heads of the NBA have found it not fair to have all African Americans players at one time, and wanted to create a loop hole which would force at least one white person on a team constantly playing.

“I know it seems crazy, but we have found that this may be the fairest way to going about this,” said an official who wants to remain anonymous. We are unsure if this is because of race matters, or talent, either way we needed to make a change on this scenario. Now, we now that the fans would rather see a 6 foot African American slam an alley oop, but we are going to have to settle with seeing a 6 foot white player barely get in a lay up now and again.”

The new rule will take effect this following NBA season, and will also force some NBA teams to draft a few white players. If the a team does not have at least one White player on their team roster, they will be fined until one is drafted or picked up. Not exactly the fairest way to go about it in that aspect, but rules are rules.

NBA Brings On No-Doz As Playoff Sponsor

empire-sports-no-doz-nba-sponsor-dwayne-wade-lebron-james-sleeping-pillsNEW YORK CITY-

You would think the NBA would be more careful about the kind of sponsors they bring on board. Having for a sponsor, a pill that is intended to keep people awake, might not send the best message about their product. I guess the NBA does not care as long as the money is green, and their new playoff sponsor, No-Doz has plenty of the green.

The NBA is notorious for its never ending playoff set up. There are too many teams involved, the west coast games stay on until the wee hours of the night, and they last for months. They are pretty ridiculous to be honest. What is the point of the Heat playing the Bobcats? I assume this is the point of No-Doz coming on as a sponsor for the NBA playoffs. You need chemical infusions just to stay awake during these early rounds.

We put in a call to the commissioner’s office to get a quote about the No-Doz issue. To our amazement, we got a quick call back, not from a flunky spokesperson, but from commissioner Adam Silver himself. Silver was not too happy about our questions, and was quick to let us know that it was his final decision to bring No-Doz on as a playoff sponsor. “You think we do not know how this looks? We are not idiots over here. Just because old man Stern has left the building, does not mean things are just willy nilly here. I know what I am doing!”, Silver yelled. Silver told us that it was no secret that the playoffs are too long, somewhat boring, are played too late at night, and are ultimately meaningless in the larger scope of life. He went on to say, “Why the hell do you think No-Doz wanted to advertise with us. They do focus groups you know, and the number of people that said they had trouble keeping their eyes open during a NBA playoff game was staggering. During first round games, 83% of males between 25 and 40 years old, reported waking up on a drool stained couch the next morning, with no recollection of anything after the 1st quarter.”

After being berated by the new commish with his stats, we interviewed some NBA fans about problems staying conscious during the playoffs. Henry Rotel, a Heat fan, told us, “I usually have to sit in a tub of ice water to make sure I do not fall asleep in rounds one and two.” In talking with a Hawks fan (yes we actually found one), we got an earful of illegal activities. Thomas Galon, who lives just outside the ATL, said he had never heard of No-Doz before their ads started running during game one of the Hawks v Pacers series. “I usually have to call my meth dealer before a playoff game”. I have even hired a cheap hooker to wake me up when I drift off before the game ends, and also for sex of course,” Galon stated. After getting more responses like the ones above, we now think that No-Doz is the least of the NBA’s problems.

New Donald Sterling Tape Released; Sterling Calls Black People 3/5th Of A Person

empire-sports-donald-sterling-vanessa-stiviano-adam-silver-racist-rant-blacks-audio-sex-tapeLOS ANGELES-

Just hours after NBA commissioner Adam Silver announced a lifetime NBA ban of Donald Sterling his girlfriend, Vanessa Stiviano, twisted the knife a little deeper as she released yet another audio tape in which Sterling can be heard saying that he thinks black people are only 3/5th of a human.

If there were any doubts that this old geezer was a full blown racist, this new tape will surely put those to rest. Some of the things that can be heard on the new audio are simply unbelievable.

Anyway, you can listen to Donald Sterling’s latest rant in it’s full glory here:

NBA Announces Rule Changes In Attempts To Get More White Players

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

In a press conference today, NBA commissioner Adam Silver announced several changes to the long-time rules of basketball, rules which have been mostly unchanged since the game’s inception over 100 years ago.

“As you know, we in the NBA strive to be diverse and exciting; keeping our fans on their metaphoric toes is how we fill the seats and line our extremely deep pockets. Starting next year, we are making several changes to not only the general mechanics of the game, but also to uniform and player policies.” Silver announced to a room full of confused sports journalists and fans.

“In 2015, we are going to be requiring each team to cut down on the number of African-American players, and increase the number of white, or “Caucasian”, players. This is to get more in line with the original spirit of the game; a spirit that has dwindled over the 100 years or so since basketball was invented in the small town of Springfield, Massachusetts – the whitest place I’ve ever seen in my life.”

Amid boos and hollering from the crowd, Silver continued to explain that those African-American players who were upset by the rule would certainly be able to find work in other sports in arenas around the world.

“We understand completely that this game, that all sports, really, are played for one reason and one reason only – and that reason is cold hard cash. These men who we are kicking to the curb, they have given their all to the fans and to all of the NBA world for many years – but if we’re being perfectly honest, they can just go and play another game and make tons of money there, too. Look at Jordan. He made boatloads of cash in the MLB.” Silver said. “But, money is what we’re trying to make, too – and these guys, they’re just taking too much from us. Did you know that Rondo is worth over $35 million dollars? I don’t even have that much…and I’m the boss!”

When asked how cutting down on black players would affect the scoring of the games, (because as all fans of both basketball and Woody Harrelson movies know, White Men Can’t Jump) Silver went on to explain another drastic change, one in which raises the scores of more “technical” plays.

“We always wanted the scoring in the NBA to be different, but never could change it while keeping the current player rosters, for fear of the games scoring into the thousands of points, making it all meaningless. With this new rule and a planned drop in the skill of the remaining players, we have also changed the way that scoring will work.”

Silver went on to explain that from the next season onward, slam-dunks and layups would be worth 1 point, baskets from within the key will be 2 points, from outside the key will be 3 points, from past the half-court line will be 5 points, and if any player feels super lucky and wants to try throwing the ball into the basket from under their own, outside of the boundaries of play, they will automatically win the game for their team, regardless of time left on the clock.

Many players, fans, and reporters were understandably outraged at the changes announced by Silver on behalf of the NBA and professional basketball.

“Man, if I had known they was gonna make b-ball this damn lame, I’da never bought them scalped season tickets,” said Mark Waters, a longtime Boston Celtics fan. “We ain’t winning no games with just Kris Humphries throwing the rock ’round.”

Also announced during the conference was a drastic change to all uniforms going forward. In 2015, new rules dictate that all teams will be playing “shirts vs. skins.” Who will play each side will be determined by a best-of-3 game of Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Neither Silver nor a spokesperson for the NBA could be reached for further comment.

Justin Bieber Legally Changes ‘Race’ To African American Then Enters Name In NBA Draft

empire-sports-justin-bieber-changes-race-nba-draft-crazy-diddy-ross-nudeLOS ANGELES—

If there were any doubts that pop “star” Justin Bieber was insane they were quickly put to rest this week.  If fact, he’s been officially upgraded from ‘insane’ to ‘bat-shit crazy’ after his two latest stunts.

Last Tuesday, reports surfaced that Bieber filed documents in a Canadian court to legally change his race to African American.

“I’m the richest black man under twenty one and I got all this money, because my people deserve it”  Said Justin after stepping out of a Canadian courtroom early Tuesday morning.

“I was just tired of all the ‘I’m acting black comments’. Now I’m not acting black, because legally I am black,” he continued.  “Its like being gay. You don’t choose to be gay you’re born gay. I was born black.”

I know what you are thinking, “That’s a completely rational, normal thing for someone to do”.  But wait, it gets even better.   Just over one week after this act of insanity Bieber released a statement that he planned to enter his name in to the 2014 NBA draft.

“I’ve been ballin’ my whole life,” said Beiber “and I played in a bunch of all-star games and schooled everybody.  I know I can play in the NBA.”

If there was an Olympic sport for being crazy, Bieber would be the gold medalist.

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver, after hearing Beiber’s plans to enter the draft, said about Justin, “he’s f*cking stupid.  He will never play in the NBA and he will not be in this year’s draft.”