NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

In a press conference today, NBA commissioner Adam Silver announced several changes to the long-time rules of basketball, rules which have been mostly unchanged since the game’s inception over 100 years ago.

“As you know, we in the NBA strive to be diverse and exciting; keeping our fans on their metaphoric toes is how we fill the seats and line our extremely deep pockets. Starting next year, we are making several changes to not only the general mechanics of the game, but also to uniform and player policies.” Silver announced to a room full of confused sports journalists and fans.

“In 2015, we are going to be requiring each team to cut down on the number of African-American players, and increase the number of white, or “Caucasian”, players. This is to get more in line with the original spirit of the game; a spirit that has dwindled over the 100 years or so since basketball was invented in the small town of Springfield, Massachusetts – the whitest place I’ve ever seen in my life.”

Amid boos and hollering from the crowd, Silver continued to explain that those African-American players who were upset by the rule would certainly be able to find work in other sports in arenas around the world.

“We understand completely that this game, that all sports, really, are played for one reason and one reason only – and that reason is cold hard cash. These men who we are kicking to the curb, they have given their all to the fans and to all of the NBA world for many years – but if we’re being perfectly honest, they can just go and play another game and make tons of money there, too. Look at Jordan. He made boatloads of cash in the MLB.” Silver said. “But, money is what we’re trying to make, too – and these guys, they’re just taking too much from us. Did you know that Rondo is worth over $35 million dollars? I don’t even have that much…and I’m the boss!”

When asked how cutting down on black players would affect the scoring of the games, (because as all fans of both basketball and Woody Harrelson movies know, White Men Can’t Jump) Silver went on to explain another drastic change, one in which raises the scores of more “technical” plays.

“We always wanted the scoring in the NBA to be different, but never could change it while keeping the current player rosters, for fear of the games scoring into the thousands of points, making it all meaningless. With this new rule and a planned drop in the skill of the remaining players, we have also changed the way that scoring will work.”

Silver went on to explain that from the next season onward, slam-dunks and layups would be worth 1 point, baskets from within the key will be 2 points, from outside the key will be 3 points, from past the half-court line will be 5 points, and if any player feels super lucky and wants to try throwing the ball into the basket from under their own, outside of the boundaries of play, they will automatically win the game for their team, regardless of time left on the clock.

Many players, fans, and reporters were understandably outraged at the changes announced by Silver on behalf of the NBA and professional basketball.

“Man, if I had known they was gonna make b-ball this damn lame, I’da never bought them scalped season tickets,” said Mark Waters, a longtime Boston Celtics fan. “We ain’t winning no games with just Kris Humphries throwing the rock ’round.”

Also announced during the conference was a drastic change to all uniforms going forward. In 2015, new rules dictate that all teams will be playing “shirts vs. skins.” Who will play each side will be determined by a best-of-3 game of Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Neither Silver nor a spokesperson for the NBA could be reached for further comment.