Russian Athlete Attempts Suicide In Front Of Cheering Crowd In Sochi

luge

In what appears to be a new fringe winter fad, an obviously mentally disturbed man from Russia ascended to the top of an ice covered track with the intention of sliding down feet first on a small sled.

Strangely no one attempted to stop the madman from sliding down this track to a certain violent death in an apparent suicide attempt. This apparently growing trend is often referred to as “luge”.

Gawkers gathered seemingly cheering the man as he careened down the icy tube to his certain doom. The audience surely expected to hear the man exclaim something like “My god, what have I done?” or “Tell my wife I love her” but instead some astute onlookers noticed something else peculiar.

This man who seemingly should been desperately trying to slow down his sled somehow to reach the end perhaps with only a few broken bones was actually maneuvering the sled to go faster. One witness from the Netherlands, Jan Kerske, remarked “I could not believe he was steering his sled so he could go faster. Not slowing down. Like he couldn’t wait to die.”

The crowd looked on in astonishment as the man reached the bottom alive and stood up with a noticeable lack of broken bones and his head not having been smashed into the wall. The man who was later identified as Albert Demchenko stood up, then after glancing at a clock that happened to record the duration of his trip began to celebrate obviously elated that his suicide attempt had failed.

After a brief medical examination he was presumably taken to a padded room and put on suicide watch.

An investigation into how Albert was able to gain access to the track revealed that he was actually in Sochi as an Olympic athlete and was simply allowed to walk right up to the top of the track with his sled. It is speculated that he must have been a member of the Russian hockey team who may have watched a bootleg copy of ‘Miracle’, and became depressed when the mighty Soviet squad lost to an amateur American squad coached by Kurt Russell.

 

The event sparked some others to attempt the same feat. Russian officials were concerned about the possible presence of members of the gay community participating in a similar stunt when 2 men were later seen sliding down the track on the same sled.

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