Kevin Durant Accused of Being Illuminati By Teammates

OKLAHOMA CITY, Oklahoma – kevin-durant-illuminati-thunder-oklahoma-empire-sports

After a grueling loss to the Memphis Grizzlies earlier in the week, the topic of conversation should be about whether the Oklahoma City Thunder are going to be able to make it through this series. Instead, the only thing anyone is talking about, at least in the Thunder’s locker room, is the possibility of player Kevin Durant’s involvement with the Illuminati, a secret society that is so secret, it’s reported that there haven’t been any real active members in hundreds of years. This hasn’t stopped Durant’s teammates from shunning him during and after games, though.

“There is definitely something up with that kid.” Said head coach of the Thunder Scott Brooks. “He used to be so incredibly nice. He was the most polite person ever. Once the Illuminati got their claws into him, though, things have turned around drastically. Kevin has the second most technical fouls in the league right now. I just don’t know what to do with him.”

The Illuminati was a secret society started in the late 1700s. At that point, it was designed to thwart government power and prejudices. Over time, though, the group changed, and they became less about stopping the powers-that-be from running the country and its people, and move to become the group that ran the world.

“He’s making money. He’s not spending it. We haven’t seen him buy anything extravagant. He lives the life of a pauper outside of the team, and it’s frightening.” Said a member of the team, speaking on the guise of anonymity. “The rest of us guys, we go out and blow money on whatever we want. I’ve got 16 cars in my garage. I’ve got mountains of girls in my bed. I’ve got it all, baby. Durant…man, Kevin, his money, man. He must be giving it all to those Illuminati peoples.”

Reportedly, Durant has been ostracized during pre-game warmups and after game drills.

“They won’t help me out. They won’t pass me the ball in games. I can’t even get any of the guys to talk to me anymore. They think I’m some kind of freak.” said Durant, clearly frustrated with his team’s actions towards him. “I can honestly say that I am not in the Illuminati. I don’t even know who they are or what they’re about. I’m just a kid. Man, I’m 25 years old and I play pro ball. How much do you really think I know about the world? I only heard of the Illuminati the same way everyone else did – watching them movies with Tom Hanks.”

Well of course he said he’s not Illuminati.” said Brooks, when told about what Durant said. “Did you really think he was going to admit it? All I’m saying is…there are signs.”

Durant could not be reached for further comment. A spokesperson for the NBA, who wishes to remain anonymous, did say that the NBA has their suspicions, but are not currently taking any action at this time. More information will be released as it becomes available.

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