Doctors Discover Lance Armstrong Has Empty Scrotum Filled With Jelly Beans

PLANO, Texas – 

Just over 15 years ago, a then 26-year-old Lance Armstrong was diagnosed with testicular cancer. Although doctors gave him little hope of survival, we all know the story of Armstrong’ overcoming his illness, followed by his triumphant return, and inevitable fall, in the cycling world. Reportedly, over the course of the last several years, Armstrong, now 42, had been in multiple times to see doctors about issues with his empty scrotum sac. His complaints ranged from itching and an “emptiness” sensation to a general depression and feeling of loss.

Several doctors who spent many, many hours examining Armstrong’s free-flowing skin were puzzled on what to do to relieve his symptoms. It wasn’t until this past weekend that Armstrong’s physician, Dr. Ishtar Bunne came to the realization that the skin could theoretically be filled with anything.

“On Easter Sunday I was home with my children,” said Bunne, a licensed surgeon. “When they were opening their Easter baskets, my youngest daughter Natalie spilled out all her jelly beans. It was at that moment that it hit me, and I knew what we could do to help Armstrong regain his sense of…fulfillment.”

Dr. Bunne immediately contacted Armstrong, who was initially nervous about the idea of his scrotum being filled with sweets.

“I asked Dr. Bunne if there was anything that could go wrong. I didn’t want my urine or blood to get any more tainted than I’ve already made it over the years. After several hours of counseling me on the matter, I decided to go ahead with the surgery.”

Armstrong was prepped and brought into the O.R. on Tuesday afternoon, and the surgery – which took approximately 3 hours – was a success.

“I don’t know what I would have done for Lance if my daughter had not spilled her basket as she did.” Said Bunne. “I am very pleased with the outcome, and I know that Lance and his scrotum will be very happy now.”

At last report, Armstrong was resting at home and doing fine. He also wanted it to be noted that the doctor did, in fact, remove all of the black jelly beans before inserting any into his body.

“Those black ones are the worst.” Said Armstrong. “I don’t want my crotch to smell like licorice.”

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