Category Archives: WWE

John Cena To Make Debut in the UFC This Fall

June 25, 2014 JP Leave a comment

Las Vegas, Nevada –

One of the most popular wrestlers in the WWE has decided to take the next step in his career. John Cena, a both a fan favorite and one of the most hated men in wrestling today, will be stepping away from the entertainment ring, and heading to the real fights of the octagon this fall.

It has been announced that Cena has been training for a mixed martial arts fight for awhile, and after Dana White gave the approval, a bout was instantly scheduled.

It is unclear who he will be facing but sources have said not to expect his first fight to be against any “All-Star” UFC fighter. Cena reportedly got the idea from fellow wrestler and one-time UFC star Brock Lesner, but fans and insiders alike are already questioning if he can handle taking on real fights.

“Cena is very prepared. He knows these are real badass fighters throwing real punches and kicks.” Said Dana White. “He’s not taking this lightly. I mean, he probably is going to get his ass handed to him, but at least he knows what’s coming.”

Cena did speak to the press, but was very unclear about his wrestling future, he appeared more concerned about his upcoming fight.

“I’m going to beat this dude so bad he is going to wish that the fight was fake like wrestling. I’m sick of people making jokes that what I do is fake, and I can’t hold my own. This is to prove that I’m a real fighter, and can take it and give it, 100%. They won’t even see me coming.” said Cena

It has been rumored that Cena may fight Kimbo Slice in his first bout, but nothing is on paper yet. The only thing that has been floating around is a poster by a promoter for the UFC. The poster mocks Cena, with the slogan of “Watch Kimbo Get His Career Back As Cena Loses His.”

The WWE still has Cena under contract, and has not commented on how often Cena will still be featured in their matches, but a schedule of a UFC fighter can be pretty time-consuming. It fair to assume that Cena will be dividing his time between the squared-circle and the octagon come this fall.

Headlines, News, WWE

Vince McMahon To Re-Launch Failed XFL Football Promotion

May 26, 2014 whoisgrimm Leave a comment

STAMFORD, Connecticut –

In what many sports professionals are calling the “worst move of the century,” WWE Chairman Vince McMahon announced this morning that he would be re-launching the XFL, or the “X-Treme Football League,” a football promotion that he created and co-owned with NBC Networks back in 2001. The league was meant to be complimentary to the NFL, in that it would be played in the NFL’s off-season and feature more “regular” people as opposed to high-paid athletes.

The league itself lasted exactly one season after it failed to garner any fans. There were major differences to the play that fans of the NFL never got behind, including having all games played outside in natural grass and there being no point-after-touchdown (PAT) kicks. Teams were even allowed to print anything they wanted on the back of their on-field jerseys, with players emblazoning random sayings like “HE HATE ME” on their backs. Religious scripture and bible quotes were also common. These bizarre rules, coupled with the lack of any recognizable players, made the whole promotion flounder right out of the gate.

McMahon has acknowledged that the XFL was a failure, but has promised that his “NewXFL” will not become the laughingstock of sports history for a second time.

“There were a lot of things that we did wrong the first time with the XFL, and this time there are going to be changes.” said McMahon. “There are things we promised football fans that we just didn’t deliver on. We said there were going to be almost ‘no rules’ in the XFL, but really there were plenty, and they were just all taken right out of the CFL and World Football League handbooks. Well, not this time.”

McMahon went on to describe several changes that he feels will be advantageous to the sport, including allowing his players to use steroids if they wish, full-contact hits after play has stopped, and the ability to bring foreign-objects onto the field, such as brass knuckles, steel chairs, or kendo sticks.

“We are going to make this the WWE of the football world, just like it was supposed to be the first time. You want football and you want violence, and that is what the NewXFL is going to give you. It’s going to be the ‘Attitude Era’ of football, if you will. Hell, even the cheerleaders are going to be hotter this time around.”

McMahon has recently been in the news for losing over a quarter of a billion dollars worth of stock in his company, after traders and investors got cold feet over the low subscription numbers in McMahon’s new WWE Network, a streaming service available on many platforms including Roku, Android, and Apple TV set-top boxes.

“This is not the time to talk about recent setbacks, or past failures.” Said McMahon when questioned about the WWE Network. “[But] I don’t think that The Network is a failure at all. I think it’s a fantastic idea that all true wrestling fans love. We’ve got content going back for over 40 years worth of wrestling. The subscriptions will come over time. We knew that’s how it would go.”

McMahon continued with the promise that as the NewXFL takes off, it would be available to current WWE Network subscribers at no additional cost as part of their regular Network programming. For non-subscribers, the games will be shown on SpikeTV, making the move over from NBC/Universal Networks on its initial run.

Headlines, News, WWE

Teenager Commits Suicide After Learning Wrestling Not Real

May 8, 2014 whoisgrimm Leave a comment

MORGANTOWN, West Virginia –

In some unsettling news this morning, a Morgantown, West Virginia teenager has apparently committed suicide, filming the entire unsettling mutilation, after finding out that WWE wrestling is not real. The boy, 17 year-old Tanner Husk, was just a few short weeks from graduating high school, when he learned that the “entertainment” part of “sports entertainment” meant that the shows and events were all pre-determined and mostly scripted. He learned this information after a friend at school talked about going to a meet-and-greet with some of the wrestlers before Wrestlemania 30 last month, and that both the heels (bad guys) and babyfaces (good guys) were seated near each other, talking and laughing amongst each other.

Apparently incredulous of the information at first, Husk was reported to have scoured the internet for several hours seeking information about whether or not wrestling was real. Sadly, he of course learned the truth, and it crushed his entire world view. In a video that Husk posted on YouTube earlier in the week (that has since been removed), he berated WWE CEO Vince McMahon for “lying to the people of the WWE Universe” and even called out some of his favorite wrestlers, including Daniel Bryan and The Undertaker.

“I cannot believe that you fakers would mess with people like this. That you could lie to everyone ‘Taker, and let everyone believe that what you do is real…what you do is not real. These feuds, these fights…[they’re] not real. None of your bulls**t is real, Daniel.” said Husk in one of his many recorded diatribes aimed at the WWE wrestlers.

Husk’s mother, Carlene Johnson-Husk, gave a brief statement to reporters outside her home in Morgantown, where she commented on hurt that the WWE had caused her late son.

“Tanner was a bright boy, a smart boy. He got straight C’s all year in school, it was the best he’d ever done. He had a bright future ahead of him.” said Johnson-Husk. “He was going to be someone. He was the first person in our family to hold a full-time job; he’d just got hired for the summer over at the Home Depot. He was a good boy. The Lord definitely should not have called him so soon. He was my whole life, and now I have nothing but his memory…his memory, and his collection of mock WWE Championship belts, which I hope I can sell on eBay for some extra cash.”

Reports are that Husk actually planned out his death, and filmed his suicide, but not until after he apparently poured out his heart to his all-time favorite WWE wrestler, “World’s Strongest Man” Mark Henry. That video was recorded, and Husk had apparently planned to upload it to YouTube. It is unclear how he thought that he would be able to do that once he was dead.

Parts of the video not containing the actual suicide have leaked, and Husk’s final words are extremely disturbing.

“When it comes crashing down, and it hurts inside, ya’ gotta take a stand. It don’t help to hide. Well, you hurt my friends, and you hurt my pride. I gotta be a man…I feel strong about right and wrong, and I don’t take trouble for very long. I got something deep inside of me, and courage is the thing that keeps us free. I am a real American, I’ll fight for what’s right…fight for your life!” Husk said in his final video.

No statement has been made by Vince McMahon or any of the wrestlers in the WWE Universe. Johnson-Husk has reportedly sought an attorney and is in talks to sue the WWE for “purposely misleading with intention to harm the psyche” of her son.