Category Archives: Uncategorized

Taco Bell To Begin Serving Alcohol From Midnight To 2:00 AM At Participating Locations

Taco Bell


IRVINE, California –

CEO of Taco Bell, Brian Niccol announced earlier today that the franchise will begin offering cold, alcoholic beverages to customers 21 years of age and older between the hours of 12:00 midnight – 2:00 AM in drive-thrus at participating locations.

The announcement marks an unprecedented marketing strategy in the world of fast food giants. “We at Taco Bell know that a good majority of Taco Bell craving customers between the hours of midnight and 2:00 AM are indeed bar-hopping twenty-and thirty-something year-old alcohol consuming citizens who want a quick bite during drinking sessions,” Niccol said. “Available May 1, 2015, Taco Bell will begin offering Budweiser and Bud Light beer, as well as frozen margaritas. We are very excited about this long over-due venture.”

Many college going co-eds and hipsters are…


Warner Bros. Interactive To Release Mortal Kombat Vs. MLB Video Game

BURBANK, California – empire-sports-mortal-kombat-MLB-baseball-video-game-warner-bros-interactive-vs-MK-MLB

The action fighting series Mortal Kombat has grown to become one of the biggest video game series ever since it was released to arcades for the first time 22 years ago, but the newest installment in the series, which was announced yesterday, is probably the craziest idea yet – Mortal Kombat Vs. The Major League is set to debut at the beginning of next year.

The official word came from the headquarters of Warner Bros. Interactive, the publishing company that took over for Midway Games in the production of the Mortal Kombat series back in 2009. In an email sent to video game magazines and online publications, Ed Boon, original co-creator of the Mortal Kombat series, announced that his subdivision, NetherRealm Studios, had secured licensing from Major League Baseball for a roster of around 20 different players from several different teams to be included in the gameplay.

“We are extremely excited to announce that we are in the beginning stages of production for our new game Mortal Kombat Vs. The Major League.” Said Boon. “We at NetherRealm are extremely excited, as this is something we had been working towards with the League for several years, and as the licenses and agreements fell into place, everything started happening immediately. We are tentatively scheduling release for early spring, 2015.”

Mortal Kombat has a long history of being extremely violent, causing controversy upon its initial release with its inclusion of graphic blood, realistic depictions of violence, and the creation of the “fatalities” that fans have come to love over time. When asked via email about whether this game was going to be a more “toned down” version, as some of the later Mortal Kombat games have been, Boon stated that there would be no holding back with this new game.

“We had to tone down some of the elements of violence for some of our later games and partnerships, such as Mortal Kombat Vs. The DC Universe. That was part of our agreement with DC, which wanted to be able to market the game towards children. The MLB has not imparted any restrictions on us in the use of their players or teams, so we’re aiming to make this one of the most brutal Mortal Kombat games to date.”

So far, there has been no official word on which teams or players might make it into the game, but as word got out to players, several have stepped up to offer their likenesses.

“It would be a dream come true to be in a Mortal Kombat video game.” Said Dustin Pedroia, second baseman for the Boston Red Sox. “I grew up on Mortal Kombat, like most boys my age. It would be a honor to face off against Scorpion.”

Warner Bros. Interactive will be watching the sales of this game closely, as Boon pointed out, because the numbers will directly correlate to whether or not they seek out licensing deals with other major sports clubs.

“Oh, definitely – we would love to make this into a series if it does well. NHL, NFL…really, the sky is the limit for what we can do with these characters.” Said Boon. “This is going to be the most fun game of the MK Universe so far. I can’t wait for everyone to play it.”

The game is being announced for the XBox 360 and PS3, as well as next-gen consoles XBox One and PS4.

Life-Imitates-Art for Adam Sandler; Has Real Life Scuffle With Bob Barker

empire-sports-adam-sandler-bob-barker-golf-fight-happy-gilmore-life-imitates-art-charity-eventHOLLYWOOD, California – 

Almost 20 years ago, Adam Sandler invited game show host Bob Barker to play a bit-part in his golf-centric comedy Happy Gilmore, wherein Barker knocked out Sandler’s character after the two get into an argument about how badly Sandler’s character Happy Gilmore is playing during a celebrity golf event.

Well this past weekend the movies came to life, as legendary gameshow host Bob Barker, 90, best known for his stint as the host of The Price is Right, knocked out Adam Sandler during a charity golf event in Hollywood. The event was organized by the Among The Stars Golf Association, a charity group that pairs Hollwood actors with children and teens for a day of golf.

The trouble started when Barker, who was not playing in the event but was there as an honorary guest, started ribbing Sandler for his poor day on the course. Barker, who stated after the altercation that he thought for sure Sandler would understand he was just re-enacting their old scene and having a good laugh, stood up from his wheelchair when Sandler came up and got in his face, calling him a “hack” and “a relic.”

“Why don’t you shut the f*** up, old man?” Sandler was reportedly heard yelling at Barker, 9-iron in hand. Barker assumed at first that Sandler was merely teasing, and ramped up his jokes, which only seemed to further upset Sandler. Finally, as Sandler came face-to-face with Barker, it became apparent to him that Sandler was not fooling around, and actually intended to cause harm. Suddenly scared for his extremely ancient life, he reached back and used all his strength to knock Sandler across the face with a vicious left cross, leaving him with a black eye.

Sandler was temporarily knocked out by the blow, and when he came to he seemed more embarrassed by the altercation than anything else. He refused medical attention, and he also refused to talk to any reporters or bystanders at the scene, but several people did hear him muttering “The price is wrong, bi*ch” over and over to himself as he walked to his car.

No word on whether Sandler will be pressing charges against Barker. When reached for further comment, Barker did remind us to help control the pet population by always spaying and neutering our pets.

WWE Chairman Vince McMahon Announces 2016 Presidential Bid

STAMFORD, Connecticut –  vince-mcmahon-president-2016-annoucnement-wwe-empire-sports

This afternoon in a press conference from his WWE headquarters, world-renowned billionaire wrestling promotor and WWE chairman Vince McMahon announced his bid for a 2016 presidential candidacy. The news comes as a shock to both political parties and fans of the sports entertainment world, especially after McMahon’s wife, Linda McMahon, pursued and  failed in an attempt to gain a seat in the Connecticut congress on the Republican ticket a few short years ago.

When asked about his ambitions in the political world, McMahon stated that he was “extremely ashamed” with how Linda’s political career had turned out, and he felt that as a face people recognize from years on television with the WWE, that he would certainly stand a good chance of being elected.

“When my wife Linda ran for congress in 2010, and then again in 2012, and lost both elections, I was deeply ashamed and embarrassed for her. Linda ran with my full support, although I did not give her any access to my billions of dollars in wrestle-money. I felt that she lost because real pro-wrestling fans don’t pay attention enough to political policy, which she had a strong showing of. All they care about is who has the best looking face and who has the most money. Since my face is already well known throughout the world as a leader in the Sports Entertainment world, it was only logical that the next step was a bid for presidency. Plus, I have a pretty nice looking face. I just want to make up for what Linda couldn’t do, and then one-up it. It’s just how I am as a man.”

McMahon has decided to not run under either major party, but instead to run as an Independent, despite years of staunch voting for Republican candidates. McMahon also went on to announce a slogan of “PILE-DRIVE THE POLITICAL PHONIES,” which he explains is a dig at all other politicians out there who will make un-kept promises.

“With my platform to Pile-Drive The Political Phonies, I am setting out to make sure that no one on either side of the ticket will be out there to bull**** the American people…because if anyone out there knows a thing about bull****ing and crazy stories, it’s me!” McMahon stated, possibly alluding to his status in the WWE as head of storyline and development. McMahon has created and developed nearly 100% of the ‘characters’ in his promotion for nearing 40 years, including winning ideas such as Triple H and The Undertaker, and losers such as The Gobbledy-Gooker and The Repo Man.

When asked how they felt about McMahon as a presidential candidate after McMahon’s announcement, WWE fans had very positive reactions.

“I’ve been waiting for a presidential candidate like this all my life,” said Michael Hickenbottom, a life-long wrestling fan. “If there was ever a man who could lead a country, it’s Vincent K. McMahon. I’m in awe, honestly, that it took him this long to realize he shouldn’t just be making men in tights dance around in a ring like puppets, but that he should be making puppets out of our Congressmen, too!”

As of this writing, McMahon has not announced a running-mate, although it has been speculated that he may choose someone from his current WWE roster, with fan-favorite Daniel Bryan being a highly likely candidate.

Doctors Discover Lance Armstrong Has Empty Scrotum Filled With Jelly Beans

PLANO, Texas – 

Just over 15 years ago, a then 26-year-old Lance Armstrong was diagnosed with testicular cancer. Although doctors gave him little hope of survival, we all know the story of Armstrong’ overcoming his illness, followed by his triumphant return, and inevitable fall, in the cycling world. Reportedly, over the course of the last several years, Armstrong, now 42, had been in multiple times to see doctors about issues with his empty scrotum sac. His complaints ranged from itching and an “emptiness” sensation to a general depression and feeling of loss.

Several doctors who spent many, many hours examining Armstrong’s free-flowing skin were puzzled on what to do to relieve his symptoms. It wasn’t until this past weekend that Armstrong’s physician, Dr. Ishtar Bunne came to the realization that the skin could theoretically be filled with anything.

“On Easter Sunday I was home with my children,” said Bunne, a licensed surgeon. “When they were opening their Easter baskets, my youngest daughter Natalie spilled out all her jelly beans. It was at that moment that it hit me, and I knew what we could do to help Armstrong regain his sense of…fulfillment.”

Dr. Bunne immediately contacted Armstrong, who was initially nervous about the idea of his scrotum being filled with sweets.

“I asked Dr. Bunne if there was anything that could go wrong. I didn’t want my urine or blood to get any more tainted than I’ve already made it over the years. After several hours of counseling me on the matter, I decided to go ahead with the surgery.”

Armstrong was prepped and brought into the O.R. on Tuesday afternoon, and the surgery – which took approximately 3 hours – was a success.

“I don’t know what I would have done for Lance if my daughter had not spilled her basket as she did.” Said Bunne. “I am very pleased with the outcome, and I know that Lance and his scrotum will be very happy now.”

At last report, Armstrong was resting at home and doing fine. He also wanted it to be noted that the doctor did, in fact, remove all of the black jelly beans before inserting any into his body.

“Those black ones are the worst.” Said Armstrong. “I don’t want my crotch to smell like licorice.”

Report: Nothing Exciting Happens at 188th Annual Boston Marathon

Hundreds of people line the streets at the Boston Marathon finish line, and all of them look out of their minds with boredom

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

It was an uneventful year at the finish line for the 188th Boston Marathon. Crowds were watching from the sidelines on Boylston Ave, half-heartedly cheering as Meb Keflezighi crossed the finish line first. Keflezighi, an American citizen who was born in Eritrea, Africa, was the favorite to win, so it wasn’t really a shock to him or to anyone watching that he crossed the line first.

“I came to win, I was expected to win, and I did, indeed, win.” Said Keflezighi after the race. “It’s the first time an American has won in 30 years, so, that’s something, right?”

Spectators on the sidelines and watching at home were anticipating something exciting or newsworthy to happen, but as it turns out, things rarely happen at the Boston Marathon.

“I was hear last year, and it was crazy. I was really hoping for something exciting to happen,” said Marcus Pilsner, a New York native, who was at his second Boston Marathon. “Sadly, all we got to see this year were people running. It really was just same ol’, same ol.”

Last year during the end of the Boston Marathon, a bomb exploded that seriously injured many people, including several people running in the race. As it was the first time in 117 years that anything exciting had happened during the marathon, people this year were apparently also expecting something drastic.

“It was a tragedy, last year, for sure. No one is denying that. One of the worst things to ever happen to this city.” said Phil Farrar, a Boston native. “No one wanted to see anything bad happen like that again. No one would ever want that. But I guess no one was expecting nothing to happen either. It was just people running. I guess after last year’s tragic events, I sorta forgot that this really isn’t anything exciting.”

After the event, people took to Twitter and Facebook to complain about the lack of excitement at the event, with hashtag #BostonStrongMarathonWeak trending worldwide.

Race officials say this year was a record-breaking crowd, and are expecting even more people to attend the event next year, as they know by that point people will have forgotten once again that nothing exciting happens, and it’s just a bunch of people running and sweating.

NASCAR Sick Of Jokes, Decides To Have Cars Race Tracks In Opposite Direction

empire-sports-nascar-race-backwardsDALLAS, Texas – 

After years of jokes and ribbing about their drivers only being able to “drive 200MPH to the left,” and other “left-centric” jokes, NASCAR has made the decision that for the next several years, all their major events in every city will be raced around the track in the opposite direction. With this new system, they hope to erase once and for all the years of ridicule and jokes, constantly made by everyone from professional stand-up comedians all the way down to Joe the dishwasher at your local Denny’s.

“It is our firm belief that our drivers are some of the best athletes in the world. They are in top physical condition, and their skills behind the wheel are impeccable. We at NASCAR have decided to prove that our drivers can do more than just make left-hand turns for 7 hours at a time. We want to show that they can also make right-hand turns for 7 hours at a time.” Said Mike Helton, president of NASCAR corporation. “This is an exciting day for all of NASCAR, racing, and our Budweiser-chugging group of fans.”

There has been some question raised since the announcement whether or not the stock cars are actually able to even turn to the right, and mechanics for many of the top drivers have been hard at work for hours or even days checking and re-checking the cars, making sure that the wheels can and do, in fact, turn to the right.

“We don’t want any surprises come race day.” Said Brett Motoil, lead pit crew supervisor for popular NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt, Jr. “We have been through this car with a fine-tooth comb, and we see no reason whatsoever that the car would have any issue steering to the right. At this point, it’s all going to be up to the drivers to make that magic happen.”

Fans of the sport are divided on the subject, many wishing that they would just keep things the way they are.

“My wife and I have been going to Loudon now for close to 20 years, and we always had perfect seats. In fact, if you look close, you can see the spots where our asses have formed little sags in the bleachers over the years, right next to the giant rectangle for my beer cooler. This whole thing where the cars are gonna be goin’ the other way is just horsesh*t.” Said Butch Hartack, a resident of Buxton, Maine. “I’m going to have to go sit on the complete other side of the bleachers now to see everything. I liked my seats. This is just the worst.”

NASCAR representatives had no further comment at the time of this writing.

Olympic Judge “Half Of These Rules Are Made Up”


"Who thought of this? Who said, 'Hey skiing is great an everything but you know what it needs? Rifles.'"
“Who thought of this? Who said, ‘Hey skiing is great an everything but you know what it needs? Rifles.'”


SOCHI – After years of speculation from the average fan that there is no way somebody sat down and wrote down a set rule book for all these “dumb little sports” a 2014 Winter Games Judge, who asked us to keep his identity secret, has admitted that “a large portion, probably half of these rules are completely made up. Utter bullshit.” The judge also said that many times he has been asked to judge events he’d never heard of until hours before the event. “Christ, I remember get asked to judge that freaking biathlon, at first I’m thinking ‘Okay, just looks like a normal cross-country skiing type of thing seems normal enough’ and then they start pulling out weapons. I mean who thought that up? Who sat down and said hey skiing is fun and all but you know what it needs? Rifle shooting.”

This came, surprisingly, as not much of a shock to the athletes. “Oh, I had my suspicions when on my scorecard somebody just wrote ‘really sweet spins, but your outfit doesn’t do much for your body,” said figure skater Annete Rogers of the United States, “hell, to be honest I barley know the rules. I’m out there dancing to a song on ice, you tell me how to score that.”

But where does it stop? After digging a little farther I found out that it wasn’t just the judges and athletes who were clueless, it’s even found its way into the television booth reaching the announcers. An announcer from Men’s Slopestyle told our staff, “Have you heard some of the names I’m coming up with in the booth? You think there’s actual names for these things? No. I’m bucking for a hosting job on a new morning television show but instead I’m in this godforsaken country coming up with moves called the ‘McTwist’ and ‘Shredding the Gnar’ what does that even mean? Shredding the Gnar?”

“Though it hasn’t quite been reduced to flipping a coin to determine the winner… it’s pretty damn close.” Said our anonymous Olympic Judge. “In a weird way, this should energize the fans, you know just as much, if not more than I do! Oh shit, I gotta run I’m due to judge the two-men bobseld finals. Haha, this should be a fun one.”

A-Rods’ scandal!


   In the last few weeks, the A-rod scandal has swept the nation. I, like many of you, watched the 60 minutes special about him. Plus, I have been reading all the sports writers opinions.Here are my views.
    Alex Rodriguez has gotten away too easy in this case. His giant use of steroids was a mockery to the sport of baseball and credible athletics everywhere. Without steroids he was a great player with immense talent. Without drugs, even I, as dye-heart Sox fan, would have voted him into Cooperstown.  According to his drug dealer, Anthony Bosch; before a 4 pm game, he would use over  10 drugs! One is bad enough, but 10 is unexceptionable.  Even during the trial, he was still being unbelievable. Bosch said that 3 days before he agreed to testify, A-rod sent him a bribe of 50 grand. Also, he said that one of Alex’s friends had threatened him with his life if he testified. These are horrible and shameful  things to do!
    But the worst part was the trial. He was going to get a great 212 game suspension. But he weaseled it down to one season. This reporter believes that no real justice was served to Alex Rodriguez  in this trial and to fully stop the damaging scandals of steroids, the MLB must flex it’s muscles for one time and make these cheaters understand that steroids comes with punishment. Mr. Rodriguez was their chance to do that and they failed.