Category Archives: UFC

Brad Pitt Agrees To Pay Attacker’s Bail If He’ll Fight MMA Legend Chuck Liddell

empire-sports-Vitalii-Sediuk-Brad-Pitt-Chuck-Lidell-Fight-Bail-MMA-Assault-Attack-Maleficent-Premiere-Movie-AssailantHOLLYWOOD, California – 

Brad Pitt was assaulted at the premiere of his wife Angelia Jolie’s new film Maleficent earlier this week by self-proclaimed celebrity “prankster” Vitalii Sediuk. Sediuk apparently made it past security and hit Pitt in the face while he was signing autographs for fans.

The scuffle was apparently short lived, as private security instantly restrained Sediuk until police arrived, where they arrested and charged him with assault. Pitt initially filed an emergency restraining order on Sediuk, but then rescinded the order when Pitt’s longtime friend, MMA legend Chuck Liddell, offered to “put a pounding” to Sediuk for him.

Although no official announcement has been made, so far what is known is that the fight will take place in Las Vegas, and that assuming all legal channels can be cleared in time, it would be set for the second week in June. Pitt was quoted as saying he thought it was a “wonderful idea,” and offered to pay Sediuk’s $20,000 bail if Sediuk would agree to take the fight with Liddell.

“This entire thing would be legit, all legal. We’re not talking about me, you know, sicking my extremely well-trained, badass friend onto some loser.” Said Pitt. “[And] Sediuk may be a loser, but this will still turn out okay. We plan to turn this all around and create a charity event, a charity fight. I want Sediuk to get his ass kicked by  Chuck, and I’m going to take all the money we make from it and give it to starving and orphaned children around the world.”

Pitt and Liddell met several years ago when Liddell was hired as a fight coordinator for the film Kick Ass, which Pitt’s company Plan B Entertainment produced. Reportedly, as soon as Liddell heard about the attack, he called Pitt to pitch him the idea.

“I normally don’t get involved in things like this.” Said Liddell. “But Brad is a friend. Angelina, the kids – they’re good people. This guy is a jerkoff who thinks he is some sort of prankster, some sort of hotshot. I’ve beaten the hell out of a lot of hotshots in my day. Retired or not, I can always add one more.”

Because Sediuk has a history of altercations with other celebrities in Hollywood, other stars including Leonardo DiCaprio and Will Smith are also lending their support to Pitt. Both DiCaprio and Smith have been victims of Sediuk’s antics in the past; DiCaprio had his crotch grabbed last year, and Sediuk grabbed Smith and tried to kiss him at the premiere of Men In Black 3.

As of this writing, Sediuk was still in jail in Los Angeles awaiting a court hearing. His lawyers have brought him all relevant information on the fight, and sources say that Sediuk is willing to participate.

UFC Ref Big John McCarthy Beaten Up At Los Angeles Costco

empire-sports-big-john-mccarthy-beaten-up-attacked-jumped-costco-hollywoodLOS ANGELES– Big John McCarthy of UFC ref fame was attacked and knocked unconscious early afternoon on Wednsesday at a Los Angeles Costco. Unfortunately there was no one to step in and stop the fight once he was clearly knocked out.

The assailants were, according to witnesses, two MMA fanatics who recognized Big John and started hassling the well known referee. They particularly had some issues with a couple of fights that they felt were stopped prematurely by McCarthy, according to eye witnesses.

“They were shouting something about an old Tito Ortiz fight back in the day,” said Joseph Goldsmith who saw the fight after buying his 300 pound bag of Cheetos at the Costco.

big-john-mccarthy-assailant-mugshot-beaten-up
A mugshot of one of the assailants shows the damage inflicted by Big John before he was knocked out

Big John is no pushover, as he is a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Black Belt, but these two attackers had the element of surprise, as no one would imagine being attacked in a Costco parking lot over controversial fight stoppages. Big John apparently was facing one of the attackers, when he was hit in the back of the head with a large bag of staples purchased at the big box store. It is hard to recover from that, but Big John did manage to get in his licks. The two low lifes were pretty scuffed up in their mug shots. But there were two of them and only one of Big John. The move that finished McCarthy off was when he was clobbered by a 16 pound jar of peanut butter….crunchy. They caught him right on the temple and as UFC fans know, it was lights out.
There were some witnesses who tried to help the UFC ref but the two thugs were hardcore. Even after McCarthy was unconscious they added some kicks to the ribs for good measure. One witness actually jumped in and tried to wave the two attackers off, saying, “it’s all over, he’s out.” The guy just got caught up in the moment and is an aspiring MMA ref, he was not trying to save Big John evidently. Police finally arrived to break up the beating. One witness, Jerry Gallo, told us, “I am glad those thugs are off the streets, but I feel like the police stopped the fight a bit too soon. Big John may have been out cold but I feel like he could have rebounded at any time.”

UFC fans can rest assured that McCarthy will be back on his feet in a few days. He is recovering nicely and will be back at his training facility very soon. He will be appearing on the Joe Rogan podcast next Tuesday to discuss the upward trend of violence at wholesale store parking lots.

Scientific Study Shows Massive Percentage of UFC Fans Use Steroids

empire-sports-UFC-fans-abuse-steroids-scientific-study-poll-HGHNEW YORK CITY, New York – 

The latest findings from a company in New York are turning out to be an eye opener for the UFC. Trigodroid, Inc., a research company, released their data earlier today that showed that an astounding 62% of UFC fans are using some type of steroid. The study, which originally was designed to judge the health of average sports fans, was adjusted after the topic of steroids and the UFC were brought up by interviewees multiple times.

What researchers discovered is that the aggressive behavior displayed during UFC events was contributing to the high rate of steroid use among the fans. Shannon Smith, a manager for Trigodroid, told us that “‘Roid rage” was high amongst the arm waving, chest flexing, neck tattooed, growling fans.

“Most normal sports fans do not exhibit the barbaric behavior seen at each live UFC event. You don’t see basketball or baseball fans acting crazy for the cameras.” Said Smith. “Sure, you might see that kind of thing at a monster truck event or by fans of the NFL, but that behavior is most likely just the result of generations of inbreeding and poor education, not steroid abuse.”

Another statistic from the poll shows that the rage fans show is not solely isolated to live events. UFC fans who watch at home are eight times more likely to destroy their own property than any other group of sports fans. Smith told us that handyman services saw a 35% increase in service calls in area codes with high PPV buy rates after the last UFC bout.

“It is truly amazing that these people get so caught up in the fight action, not to mention the syringes filled with growth hormones intended for cattle, that they break TVs, punch walls, and set couches ablaze.”

If all the data that was gathered turns out to be accurate, then Trigodroid will be talking with and testing fans of other sports, starting with UFC competitor Bellator MMA, as well as fans of NASCAR and professional bowling.

UFC’s Joe Rogan Kills Mountain Lion Outside Comedy Club

empire-sports-joe-rogan-kills-moutain-lion-comedy-club-icehouse-california-deadPASADENA, CALIFORNIA- News out of California never really shocks me anymore, but when the report surfaced about stand up comedian Joe Rogan killing a mountain lion, I was in disbelief. Rogan, who also does commentary for the UFC and is a black belt Jiu Jitsu fighter, was injured only slightly in the bizarre confrontation with the wild animal. Mr. Rogan was taken to a local hospital but released very shortly afterwards.

The incident happened last night outside of The Icehouse Comedy Club, in Pasadena, at about 2 AM. Rogan and his crew of comedian pals were leaving the club after a night of performances when they were saw a shadowy creature lurking behind a dumpster in the parking lot. Rogan’s friend and stoner podcast assistant, Brian Redban said, “I freaked out when I realized that thing was no house cat. I was really high when I left the club so I was not sure what I saw was really a f**king mountain lion. I was really high when I left the club. Really high”.

According to a police report, Rogan was able to get the big cat into “one of them Kung Fu holds, then somehow used his belt to choke the lion to death.” Joey Diaz, a Rogan associate who was with the group during the incident, told us, “I got the hell out of there as soon as I saw the damn lion. I love my friends but I was certain we were all going to get eaten alive, so I just ran. I only recently started doing Jiu Jitsu so I would not have been much help to Joe. I was glad to hear later that they survived the encounter. I love those guys.”

We spoke with the director of Wildlife Management in L.A., Timothy Green, and he was shocked that Joe Rogan was able to fight off a mountain lion, much less kill it. “Mountain lions are ferocious killers and a human being should not be able to kill one without a gun. The fact that Mr. Rogan survived the attack and then choked the big cat out of existence, truly amazes me. Either he is the baddest comedian in history or that cat was disease stricken and close to death already when they met up.”

We checked back with Brian Redban to see if he thought there could have been something wrong with the lion that helped Rogan kill the predator. “Oh no, that thing was at full strength, no doubt SON!. In fact I would put money on Joe versus another lion or tiger or any animal really. He is a martial arts expert who has went on multiple psychedelic trips, so he is not your average human. He is on some kind of Matrix level.”

UFC Trying To Attract More Female Viewers, Staging Nude Fights

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

empire-sports-UFC-nude-fights-dana-whiteThe UFC, the largest mixed martial arts promotion in the world, announced on Sunday that they were going to be starting an off-shoot of their main UFC bouts wherein all the fighters would compete nude.

“Since its inception, the UFC has always been a “man’s-man” kind of sport. Violent, bloody, and definitely not bringing in the female viewers.” Said Dana White, president of the Ultimate Fighting Championship promotion. “We know that women are normally turned off by violence, but we also know that what women are turned on by is naked men with six-pack abs grabbing and touching each other, rolling around on the ground, and that’s where the idea for our new spin-off league comes from.”

The new all-nude fights will not be part of the regular rotation of fights currently happening in the UFC, but they will feature all the same fighters competing. The fights will all be held under the banner of the UNFC, or the Ultimate Nude Fighting Championship, because if nothing else, the UFC is completely uncreative. All the fighters will have to compete at least once every six months in this new league if they want to maintain their current contracts with the UFC.

“We have decided, too, that the fighters will not be paid any extra for their time fighting in the UFNC. We pay them enough now, with most of our top guys earning millions of dollars, that this is just something we’re going to edit into their contracts to force them to do. The take-home purse will still vary depending on the matches. In the end, it’s all for the good of the sport.” Said White.

So far, most fighters who have been made aware of the new spin-off fights are all for it.

“It’s been my dream to fight naked!” said Benson Henderson, former UFC Lightweight champion, and current #2 ranked lightweight fighter in the world. “You get into the ring, and you’re dancing all around, looking for the perfect opportunity to smash the other guy in the face…the only thing that could make that more freeing would be if I didn’t have to deal with those pesky shorts!”

Male fans of the UFC took to Twitter and Facebook after the announcement, and were not happy with the idea of their favorite badass fighters having to fight nude.

“This sh*t is retarded. They making Cerrone fight with his d*ck out now #UFCWTF” said Twitter user @BigFahkinCack, referencing fighter Donald Cerrone, another lightweight contender in the UFC.

Not all social media posts were bad, with an astounding portion of female sports fans (naturally) all for the idea. Twitter user @SuperWetNHorny said “It’s about time they took the rest of the clothes off those UFX (sic) fighters. #BowChickaWowWow”

“We knew as soon as we announced these massive changes that we were going to be dealing with a social media firestorm from our regular male viewers,” said White. “but we also know that in the end, the men will still have their fights, and now the women can have theirs – and never the two shall meet.”

So far there has been no announcement to any card lineup for upcoming fights, although the UFC did announce that the first official UFNC pay-per-view would be held in May. No word currently on whether UFC will eventually spin their women’s MMA division intonude fights, but men everywhere are holding their breath in anticipation.