Category Archives: Olympics

2016 Summer Olympics To Be Held In North Korea

Pyongyang, North Korea – empire-sports-north-korea-chosen-as-host-of-2016-summer-games2

The Olympics is a tourist jackpot that all countries throughout the world pray to be able to host. The location for the 2016 Summer Olympic Games was announced last week, with the Olympic committee choosing North Korea as host.

North Korea President Kim Jong Un has told the press he is very excited to host the Olympics, but also plans to prevent any citizen from the United States from entering the country to participate. Not stopping at just the US though, Kim Jong Un has said he will completely close his borders throughout the games, making the Olympics only available to North Korea’s teams.

North Korea President Kim Jong Un

Retired basketball player Dennis Rodman, who is a friend of Kim Jong Un’s, had recently tried talking him into re-opening the event to all countries, but negotiations were unsuccessful. Sources say Rodman actually made matters worse trying to talk Kim Jong Un, and it started a heated battle. The violent dictator reportedly felt threatened during his talk with Rodman, and took him as a hostage.

The U.S. government decided not to respond to the hostage situation though, as President Barack Obama reiterated the U.S.’ standard position on not negotiating with terrorists.

“Not to mention that [we] couldn’t care less if Dennis Rodman died.” Said Obama.

As it looks as though there will be no progress made in forcing Kim Jong Un to reverse his decision and re-open the Olympics to all competitors, many teams from every corner of the globe are planning a protest to the Olympic committee directly, hoping to get them to have the games be hosted by another, more peaceful, country.

“We are too afraid of Kim and what he might do if we change our minds and try to back out of having the games in his country.” Said Olympic committee chairman Richard Kimball. “We feel at this point it would just be best to let North Korea have this one, and we’ll try to pick a better location for the 2020 games. It’s probably the only chance they’ll ever have of winning medals anyway.”

UFC Added To The 2016 Rio Olympics

empire-sports-UFC-added-olympics-rio-2016-mma-martial-arts-fightingLAS VEGAS, Nevada-

One of the fastest fan-growing sports is taking the next step in its journey. The UFC took storm with its fast-paced fights and knockouts, and now fans can be happy to hear that it will be the next sport to enter the Olympics.

In a press conference over the weekend, the International Olympic Committee announced that Mixed Martial Arts will be added to the 2016 Olympics in Rio.

At first, people weren’t considering the UFC as an actual sport, but more of a brutal backyard street fight with no composure. With years of competitive fight after fight, and even adding in a female chapter, the UFC has proved that they stand the test to be the next big Olympic sport.

Fighters from all over the globe will be entering for their chance at a gold, silver, or bronze medal for their country. Ratings are expected to be huge in America, because we all know we would rather watch some guy from Turkey get his head slammed in by a guy from Russia than watch people dance around in a swimming pool.

One fighter may have a leg up in this new arena –  Ronda Rousey has fought in the Olympics before, and has even won a medal for the United States. Something is telling us that she will bring home even more medals this next time around.

Also, this news gives a second chance to Olympic athletes seeking an opportunity to compete for their country again. Not only will ex-boxers-turned-UFC fighters get a chance, but rumors of Michael Phelps taking the octagon have been hitting social media.

Phelps tweeted: “I plan on returning to the Olympics, but not as a swimmer, as a fighter! #goforgold #winning #isfigthinghard? #Imkindofscared #Subway #EatFresh

Several fighters have already stated their interest in fighting in the 2016 Rio Olympics for their respective countries, including George St Pierre, Jon Jones, and Kevin “Kimbo Slice” Ferguson.

Toronto Boy Plans To Become First Male Olympic Rhythmic Gymnast

empire-sports-first-male-rythmic-gymnastics-olympics-canada-teamTORONTO—  If you saw Toronto’s Leo Sung Li you would have no idea what his Olympic dream would be. If you were given a hint about it having to do with gymnastics you may guess rings or possibly vaulting.
Sung Li, 17, is a male rhythmic gymnast.
“I am very good with the hoops and ball but have always enjoyed building routines with the ribbons.”
While it is not all that uncommon to see males compete in the junior level in rhythmic gymnastics, there are never any who go beyond that point as the Olympic Games will only allow females to compete in the sport.
“It is unfair of the IOC to prevent young boys such as myself from being able to move to the next level with a sport we have loved all our lives.”
Sung Li’s trainer and coach, Valeri Spetakus, says they have hatched a plan to get Sung Li to the Olympics without bending the rules or causing much concern from the IOC.
“We look at sex change,” Spetakus said with a heavy accent.
“Sung Li has the talent. He just needs an adjustment of his equipment to qualify. If that is sex change, then sex change it will be.”
The 17-year old gymnast agrees with the idea.
“I have no worries about it as I know I can win the gold but cannot do it as a boy. I have to be transformed into a girl in order to make my dream come true.”
When the suggestion was made that this seemed to be more than an extreme makeover, Spetakus explained it has been a common practice in some European countries.
“You ever look at East German women’s teams? They are not all women. Well, they didn’t all start that way. This I am sure.”
Sung Li says he’s okay with changing his name from Leo to Leona and says he’s rarely called by his name anyway.
“I am known as Feather or Lightfoot as I am so graceful when I perform my routines.”
The IOC was unavailable for comment.

Canadian Olympic Committee Fights To Make Full Contact Chess An Olympic Sport

empire-sports-full-contact-chess-sexy-sport-olympics-canadaMONTREAL, Québec—

Former sex educator and Canadian Olympic Committee member Ivana Vulva has successfully lobbied for support of the COC in adding full contact chess to the Olympics.
Vulva claims that chess has always been an unpopular sport dating back to high school for many Canadians.

“It’s not fair,” stated the Montreal resident.

“I’m trying to use my experience as a sex therapist to add some spice to a game I have always loved, but could rarely share.”

The COC has been fully supportive of Vulva’s movement.

Marcel Aubut, the Chairman of the committee, couldn’t say enough about the decision.

“Ms. Vulva has taught me a lot that has enhanced my private life in a big way,” Aubut stated.
“She has assisted in helping me to get in touch with my feminine side and showed me how I can use the strategic game playing of chess as a seductive tool to attract the opposite sex.”

Vulva’s first step is to have chess brought into the international Olympic arena where it can be contested for Gold, Silver and Bronze medals.

“There are a lot of us still in the closet when it comes to chess,” Vulva says.
“It’s not so much an embarrassment of playing the game, either. I have found in my years as a sex therapist that many people who play chess have deeper issues they are suppressing and one of them is an extremely responsive libido.”

The second phase of the plan is to see various adult-oriented competitions held where the full contact part of the game comes into play.

“It’s not so much sexual and sensual,” Vulva explains.
“I think it would be interesting to see what would take place between say, a Norwegian and Russian when engaged in full contact chess at the Olympic level.”

Vulva was not clear on specific rules of the full-contact variation of the game but stated it is “not some sort of party game used to get girls drunk.”

The COC will next lobby the International Olympic Committee to have chess added to a future Olympic games schedule.

Olympic Judge “Half Of These Rules Are Made Up”


"Who thought of this? Who said, 'Hey skiing is great an everything but you know what it needs? Rifles.'"
“Who thought of this? Who said, ‘Hey skiing is great an everything but you know what it needs? Rifles.'”


SOCHI – After years of speculation from the average fan that there is no way somebody sat down and wrote down a set rule book for all these “dumb little sports” a 2014 Winter Games Judge, who asked us to keep his identity secret, has admitted that “a large portion, probably half of these rules are completely made up. Utter bullshit.” The judge also said that many times he has been asked to judge events he’d never heard of until hours before the event. “Christ, I remember get asked to judge that freaking biathlon, at first I’m thinking ‘Okay, just looks like a normal cross-country skiing type of thing seems normal enough’ and then they start pulling out weapons. I mean who thought that up? Who sat down and said hey skiing is fun and all but you know what it needs? Rifle shooting.”

This came, surprisingly, as not much of a shock to the athletes. “Oh, I had my suspicions when on my scorecard somebody just wrote ‘really sweet spins, but your outfit doesn’t do much for your body,” said figure skater Annete Rogers of the United States, “hell, to be honest I barley know the rules. I’m out there dancing to a song on ice, you tell me how to score that.”

But where does it stop? After digging a little farther I found out that it wasn’t just the judges and athletes who were clueless, it’s even found its way into the television booth reaching the announcers. An announcer from Men’s Slopestyle told our staff, “Have you heard some of the names I’m coming up with in the booth? You think there’s actual names for these things? No. I’m bucking for a hosting job on a new morning television show but instead I’m in this godforsaken country coming up with moves called the ‘McTwist’ and ‘Shredding the Gnar’ what does that even mean? Shredding the Gnar?”

“Though it hasn’t quite been reduced to flipping a coin to determine the winner… it’s pretty damn close.” Said our anonymous Olympic Judge. “In a weird way, this should energize the fans, you know just as much, if not more than I do! Oh shit, I gotta run I’m due to judge the two-men bobseld finals. Haha, this should be a fun one.”