Category Archives: News

News Satire

NASCAR Driver Wins Race While Driving in Reverse

June 12, 2014 JP Leave a comment

Atlanta, Georgia –

A non-televised race that was held in Atlanta this past week would have definitely brought in viewers like NASCAR had never seen before. With only two laps left in the race, a driver who was holding steady at second place lost control on a turn, his car spinning all over the track. Although that in itself is not newsworthy, what the driver did next brought crowds to their feet.

After the crash left him facing the wrong way on the track, but knowing that turning around would take too much time that he didn’t have to spare, the driver threw the car in reverse and continued to race around the track backwards.

People in the crowds were surprised, and a few even wondered aloud if it was against the rules to drive that way. Most people immediately rose to their feet and began to cheer as they watched this racer take top speed completely in reverse. In less than one lap, the driver took his spot back at second place, never stopping to spin the car around.

“I’ve never seen anything like it in my entire life, and I’ve been a NASCAR and racing fan since before I could walk.” Said Bill Pooler, a spectator at the race. “It’s the best damn driving that I’ve ever seen.”

The driver continued to gain on the car in first, and actually ended up passing him right before crossing the line, checkered flag waiving.

“I was completely confused, and was barely paying attention.” Said Mark Hill, the driver who was leading the race. “I actually almost hit the wall when I saw him coming up on me in reverse. It was surely incredible.”

The name of the driver was not released to the press, as officials are still checking their rulebooks to see whether or not the win would count if the car didn’t cross the line nose-first.

News, Other Sports

PGA Announces First Mini-Putt Masters

June 12, 2014 JP Leave a comment

Charlotte, North Carolina –

The PGA has set up many tournaments over the years for golfers from all over the world, facing each other at several different golf courses. In some sports nothing really changes over time except for advancements in equipment and techniques, yet you never see the format of a game switched up.

Golf is often touted as a boring sport, and the Professional Golfers Association is all too aware of that stigma. In other sports, viewers get high-paced plays, exciting touchdowns, or hard-hitting violence. Since golf brings in none of the action, the PGA has decided that they needed to spice up their plays, and bring some “youth” viewers and players back to the game.

“In September, a new chapter will be added to the PGA tournaments; the first ever Mini-Putt Masters™ is all set to take way in Charlotte, North Carolina!” Said Jim Carroll, president of the PGA.

The decision was made by the board members of the PGA to make the game of golf more exciting, adding trick shots and faster course play, just like a day of mini-golf that every family has experienced at one time or another. They felt that watching a guy walk 200 yards after each shot, as often happens in televised golf events, would make people switch the channel. This new, faster-paced, more energetic tournament was designed to “keep the viewers watching.”

“We are extremely excited to have out golfers out there, putting their way through this exciting tournament.” Said Carroll. “We’ve got trick holes and water traps, slides and loop-de-loops. It’s going to be the most exciting tournament the PGA has ever sponsored!”

Rumors about the prizes for winning the Mini-Putt Master have already begun to circulate. The first place winner will receive a large stuffed animal, a free ice cream sundae, and get to take home their neon-colored golfball. Second place winner will receive a free round on their next trip to the Mini-Putt Masters. Third place will feature a button that says “I Hit Par In The Mini-Putt Masters!”

Headlines, News, NFL

Seattle Seahawks’ Richard Sherman Arrested After Berating Police Officer

June 12, 2014 JP Leave a comment

Seattle, Washington –

Seattle Seahawks’ corner back Richard Sherman is in the spotlight again, but this time it isn’t for a great play, or slamming an opposing team. One of the best defensive players in the NFL today has found himself off the field and behind bars after an argument with a local police officer on Wednesday evening.

Sherman is known for his cockiness on the field, and a vocabulary that can only be described as “trash-talk.” His passion on the field often carries over to the after-game interviews, and he is the type of player Seahawks fans either love, or love to hate.

Despite his reputation for attitude within the NFL, witnesses to Sherman’s altercation with a Seattle police officer were shocked by his behavior.

“It was like he just picked off Peyton in the Super Bowl, and ran it back for a touchdown or something. His cockiness was at an all time high!” Said Curt Johnson, a bystander to the incident.

Sherman’s problems arose when a police officer witnessed him jaywalking, and gave him a warning not to do it again. The officer later admitted that he wasn’t so much worried about the jaywalking law in Seattle, but the fact that it was a busy street and Sherman could have been hurt, as several pedestrians have been hit by cars in the same area over the last few months.

“He asked me if I knew who he was, and I said of course, I’m a huge fan.” Said Patrolman Mike Stephens. “[Sherman] then continued to say, ‘Then you know that I own [expletive] Seattle, and any [expletive] street I want to cross I can, no matter where I decide to [expletive] cross it.'”

Stephens apparently tried to apologize, and explain to Sherman that he was just doing his job, and that Sherman’s celebrity status in the city did not give him the right to curse anyone.

“He told me that I was a terrible police officer, and said I should just go eat some [expletive] donuts.” Said Officer Stephens. “He went off on me about how he was doing better in life than I was, and said that I shouldn’t even watch a Seattle game again, because I didn’t deserve to witness the ‘greatness’ that was him on a football field.”

Sherman was arrested and charged with jaywalking and disorderly conduct towards a police officer in the course of his duty. Representatives for Sherman could not be reached for comment at press time.

Headlines, News, Olympics

2016 Summer Olympics To Be Held In North Korea

June 10, 2014 Brent Gilmore Leave a comment

Pyongyang, North Korea –

The Olympics is a tourist jackpot that all countries throughout the world pray to be able to host. The location for the 2016 Summer Olympic Games was announced last week, with the Olympic committee choosing North Korea as host.

North Korea President Kim Jong Un has told the press he is very excited to host the Olympics, but also plans to prevent any citizen from the United States from entering the country to participate. Not stopping at just the US though, Kim Jong Un has said he will completely close his borders throughout the games, making the Olympics only available to North Korea’s teams.

Retired basketball player Dennis Rodman, who is a friend of Kim Jong Un’s, had recently tried talking him into re-opening the event to all countries, but negotiations were unsuccessful. Sources say Rodman actually made matters worse trying to talk Kim Jong Un, and it started a heated battle. The violent dictator reportedly felt threatened during his talk with Rodman, and took him as a hostage.

The U.S. government decided not to respond to the hostage situation though, as President Barack Obama reiterated the U.S.’ standard position on not negotiating with terrorists.

“Not to mention that [we] couldn’t care less if Dennis Rodman died.” Said Obama.

As it looks as though there will be no progress made in forcing Kim Jong Un to reverse his decision and re-open the Olympics to all competitors, many teams from every corner of the globe are planning a protest to the Olympic committee directly, hoping to get them to have the games be hosted by another, more peaceful, country.

“We are too afraid of Kim and what he might do if we change our minds and try to back out of having the games in his country.” Said Olympic committee chairman Richard Kimball. “We feel at this point it would just be best to let North Korea have this one, and we’ll try to pick a better location for the 2020 games. It’s probably the only chance they’ll ever have of winning medals anyway.”

Headlines, News, Other Sports

Jay-Z Buys California Chrome for $55 Million

June 8, 2014 kctinman Leave a comment

LOS ANGELES — A rapper and a race horse is not the normal combination in today’s sports world. Not until today, when mega rapper and business mogul, Jay-Z, purchased California Chrome. Mr. Z reportedly paid over $55 million for the Kentucky Derby and Preakness winner. This is great news for the horse racing industry, as they have been seeking some diversity for a while now. Having a rapper who also happens to be black could really open up the sport for an entirely new demographic.

Chrome’s former owner, Steve Coburn, told us while sobbing (his natural state), “I hated to sell the animal, but it is hard to say no to a double nickel in millions. And it is the best thing for horse racing. Our racing community has been pushing to get a rapper involved in ownership for a long time. I could not turn down the chance to give our sport an ethnic boost.” Coburn drew some heat after his horse won the Preakness, saying that the Kentucky Derby hospitality was not what it should have been. Selling a possible Triple Crown winner to a rapper who also owns part of an NBA team, should get him back in the good graces of the Derby crowd.

In a press release, Jay-Z stated he was happy to be a part of such an accepting sports community. “I could not be happier about the reception I have gotten since the news broke. My fellow racehorse owners have welcomed me with open arms. There was the text from Bob, the old white guy with silver hair. The call from Stan, the other old white guy with silver hair. And the email from Connor, the other old white guy with silver hair. These guys have been very supportive.”

Headlines, MMA, News

UFC Approves Barb Wire Octagon In Certain Countries

June 2, 2014 kctinman Leave a comment

LAS VEGAS– In a move that is meant to boost its TV ratings, the UFC has stirred up some major controversy as well. Dana White announced this morning that they have gotten barb wire Octagons approved in certain countries. The cages will be lined with sharp barb wire, like is used to contain cattle and goats. He stated that there were several countries that are on board with the new, more dangerous UFC cage fights. Some of the notable / infamous countries are North Korea, Somalia, and Zimbabwe. The countries which are going to allow the barbaric cage fights all meet two requirements from the UFC; be basically lawless and need revenue.

White’s reason for upping the ante on the danger level of the MMA fights is simple. “We want to grow the sport, period. The best way to do that is to make fights available in more countries across the globe, and make them more exciting. Barb wire Octagons will draw fans from the worst places on earth. We have to provide next level blood lust,” said White.

Dana White has made it no secret that the UFC wants to take away some NFL fans who are put off by the new safety conscious football league. Even if he is successful in pulling in only 2% of NFL fans who are fed up with the pussification of pro football, that would mean billions of dollars over time.

Getting this new Octagon designed has not been without its challenges. Obviously, you cannot have these types of fights in the USA or any civilized country for that matter. And finding a good company to construct such cages meant to trap two human combatants, has proved difficult, as no reputable company wants to be connected with this activity. Ultimately Haliburton took on the contract for the UFC. Also, former WWE superstar and master of the barb wire match, Mick Foley, has been the main consultant on the cage design. The UFC wanted an expert to make sure the Octagon was designed properly and that referees were properly trained, all to ensure maximum damage was possible to each fighter.

White did an interview over the phone with Bill O’Reilly concerning the barb wire UFC fights. O’Reilly asked a poignant question of the UFC President, “People are saying these new matches are inhumane and furthermore that you are perpetuating the notion that the UFC is basically human cock-fighting. What say you?” “Don’t give a fu*k,” White said before ending the interview and hanging up.

We will have to see how this all plays out. While it is true that the NFL is becoming softer than soccer, I am not sure that barb wire UFC battles are the answer. The ratings will determine what wins out in the end. Will fans go for the reduced violence of the NFL or will they turn their attention to the bloody battles of UFC barb wire matches in the darkest corners of the earth?

MLB, NBA, News, NFL, NHL

Kellog’s Releasing Cereals Featuring Branded Sports Teams

May 31, 2014 whoisgrimm Leave a comment

BATTLE CREEK, Michigan –

When it comes to sports related cereals, General Mills’ Wheaties cereal has always been the #1 contender. They have been putting sports teams and individual sports stars on their boxes for generations. The Kellog company is looking to change the face of the sports-food world though, as this morning they announced a new line of cereal and breakfast bars featuring branded sports teams.

Kellog’s has said they are hoping to finally steal the spotlight away from General Mills and their Wheaties cereal, turning kids on to something “more fun” to eat and “with way more taste.”

“We don’t believe that the cereal you are eating should taste like the box it comes in, and that’s why were are creating this new line of sports-releated cereals and breakfast bars.” Said James Jenness, chairman of the Kellog Company. “We know there are other cereals out there making money off sports stars, Olympians, and certain teams, and they’ve created a monopoly on it. We’re tired of it. We want our cereals to be great tasting, fun to eat, but also to have great sports heroes on every box for the kids to look up to and learn about.”

Jenness says that the boxes of the cereals and bars will all have branded sports teams covering all major sports leagues, including BOSOX-Os (Boston Red Sox, MLB), MAPLE LEAF MUNCHIES (Toronto Maple Leafs, NHL), PACKER POWER BARS (Green Bay Packers, NFL), and WORLD SERIES WONDER PUFFS (New York Yankees, MLB), to name a few. So far, most of the major teams in each sport have signed off on use of logos and player likenesses.

Each box will contain sports stats on the team and history of some their most famous players. Also on each box will be a QR code that can be scanned with any smartphone which will take you to a Kellog’s website with even more information on the team, options for purchasing apparel, tickets to upcoming games, and coupons for use on future purchases of other cereals in the new sports line, dubbed K-Teams.

“We wanted to take breakfast and jazz it up, and we really feel we’ve accomplished something great with K-Teams. I’m really excited for everyone to be able to try these new cereals and bars. They’re really great. Collect them all!” said Jenness.

The entire K-Teams line of cereals and bars are scheduled to be released in the fall of this year.

Headlines, MMA, News, UFC, UFC

Brad Pitt Agrees To Pay Attacker’s Bail If He’ll Fight MMA Legend Chuck Liddell

May 30, 2014 whoisgrimm Leave a comment

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Brad Pitt was assaulted at the premiere of his wife Angelia Jolie’s new film Maleficent earlier this week by self-proclaimed celebrity “prankster” Vitalii Sediuk. Sediuk apparently made it past security and hit Pitt in the face while he was signing autographs for fans.

The scuffle was apparently short lived, as private security instantly restrained Sediuk until police arrived, where they arrested and charged him with assault. Pitt initially filed an emergency restraining order on Sediuk, but then rescinded the order when Pitt’s longtime friend, MMA legend Chuck Liddell, offered to “put a pounding” to Sediuk for him.

Although no official announcement has been made, so far what is known is that the fight will take place in Las Vegas, and that assuming all legal channels can be cleared in time, it would be set for the second week in June. Pitt was quoted as saying he thought it was a “wonderful idea,” and offered to pay Sediuk’s $20,000 bail if Sediuk would agree to take the fight with Liddell.

“This entire thing would be legit, all legal. We’re not talking about me, you know, sicking my extremely well-trained, badass friend onto some loser.” Said Pitt. “[And] Sediuk may be a loser, but this will still turn out okay. We plan to turn this all around and create a charity event, a charity fight. I want Sediuk to get his ass kicked by Chuck, and I’m going to take all the money we make from it and give it to starving and orphaned children around the world.”

Pitt and Liddell met several years ago when Liddell was hired as a fight coordinator for the film Kick Ass, which Pitt’s company Plan B Entertainment produced. Reportedly, as soon as Liddell heard about the attack, he called Pitt to pitch him the idea.

“I normally don’t get involved in things like this.” Said Liddell. “But Brad is a friend. Angelina, the kids – they’re good people. This guy is a jerkoff who thinks he is some sort of prankster, some sort of hotshot. I’ve beaten the hell out of a lot of hotshots in my day. Retired or not, I can always add one more.”

Because Sediuk has a history of altercations with other celebrities in Hollywood, other stars including Leonardo DiCaprio and Will Smith are also lending their support to Pitt. Both DiCaprio and Smith have been victims of Sediuk’s antics in the past; DiCaprio had his crotch grabbed last year, and Sediuk grabbed Smith and tried to kiss him at the premiere of Men In Black 3.

As of this writing, Sediuk was still in jail in Los Angeles awaiting a court hearing. His lawyers have brought him all relevant information on the fight, and sources say that Sediuk is willing to participate.

News, UFC

Scientific Study Shows Massive Percentage of UFC Fans Use Steroids

May 28, 2014 IamShado Leave a comment

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

The latest findings from a company in New York are turning out to be an eye opener for the UFC. Trigodroid, Inc., a research company, released their data earlier today that showed that an astounding 62% of UFC fans are using some type of steroid. The study, which originally was designed to judge the health of average sports fans, was adjusted after the topic of steroids and the UFC were brought up by interviewees multiple times.

What researchers discovered is that the aggressive behavior displayed during UFC events was contributing to the high rate of steroid use among the fans. Shannon Smith, a manager for Trigodroid, told us that “‘Roid rage” was high amongst the arm waving, chest flexing, neck tattooed, growling fans.

“Most normal sports fans do not exhibit the barbaric behavior seen at each live UFC event. You don’t see basketball or baseball fans acting crazy for the cameras.” Said Smith. “Sure, you might see that kind of thing at a monster truck event or by fans of the NFL, but that behavior is most likely just the result of generations of inbreeding and poor education, not steroid abuse.”

Another statistic from the poll shows that the rage fans show is not solely isolated to live events. UFC fans who watch at home are eight times more likely to destroy their own property than any other group of sports fans. Smith told us that handyman services saw a 35% increase in service calls in area codes with high PPV buy rates after the last UFC bout.

“It is truly amazing that these people get so caught up in the fight action, not to mention the syringes filled with growth hormones intended for cattle, that they break TVs, punch walls, and set couches ablaze.”

If all the data that was gathered turns out to be accurate, then Trigodroid will be talking with and testing fans of other sports, starting with UFC competitor Bellator MMA, as well as fans of NASCAR and professional bowling.

News, NFL

Washington Changes Name From Redskins To Natives

May 28, 2014 Michael Unknown Leave a comment

Washington, D.C. –

Washington, D.C. NFL team the Redskins have always had one of the most controversial team names in sports history. There have been the people who support it, and the people who hate it. The positive was that the name tries to give honor to the people whose ancestors were settled here first. The negative is that the name is ridiculously offensive, using a derogatory slang term for an entire race of people as a sports team. It is because of this division amongst fans that Washington has decided to unveil a new name that they hope will bring the two sides together. The franchise owners have decided to change the name from Redskins to Natives.

“We did not think we could ever find a name that would allow us to part with the name Redskins.” Said Dan Snyder, majority owner of the team. “Then one day the name Natives popped into my head, and I knew it would work. It was brilliant. The new name will even allow us to keep the same logo. It is only the moniker that is changing. Because we understand this is a big change for fans, we will be working on a date and time where anyone who recently purchased Redskins gear can exchange it with us for Natives merchandise of equal or lessar value. We take care of our fans. Go Natives!”

The team name change will take effect starting in the 2015 season. If you do happen to have any Redskins merchandise, you may want to hold onto it for now. It’s very possible that with many people making exchanges on merchandise, Redskins memorabilia could become rare and skyrocket in price. If you are looking to exchange it, check the official Natives website for dates and times of exchange.