Category Archives: News

News Satire

Breaking News: Jerry Jones named Cowboys Head Coach

Jerry JonesIn a shocking move Cowboys Owner/GM has fired the entire Cowboys coaching staff leaving no one to coach the team. But just minutes after Jones announced he would be doing all the coaching himself. Jones had the following to say about his hiring of himself:

“I just felt like after doing a great job as General Manger I should continue to expand my role and continue to give these fans what they want and that’s me being the coach. Im the best guy for the job hands down. I am going to be coaching all positions and all aspects of the team. I will be calling Offense, Defense, Special Teams.” put up a poll on their site with 95% of the poll showing that this is a mistake and will ruin the Cowboys and lose them alot of fans. There seems to be only one person who thinks this will work and thats Jerry himself. There is nearly a slim chance of Dallas being successful with only one coach on the entire staff.

More info on this as we get it.

Demaryius Thomas Calls Out Richard Sherman, Writes Death Wish.

demaryius-thomas-broncosDemaryius Thomas is a known deep-threat Wide Receiver in the NFL. Lots of people can’t cover him or had troubles keeping up with him and his hands. When he was with the media they asked him about Richard Sherman. Technically speaking he said ” He is a great player, but I think I can match up well with him “. Did he not see what he did to Crabtree after he said such nonsense. Seattle says they have been practicing and will be ready for the ” Pick plays ” that Manning likes to throw at teams. Richard Sherman is no doubt going to get in Thomas’ face but the better question is, is how long will it be till Thomas snaps emotionally? If I had to pick sides the Sherminator is the best CB in the NFL and Demaryius Thomas is just another sorry receiver. Lets just hope Bay-bay doesn’t turn into his profound nickname.


Side note: If you didn’t know both players have been nicknamed Optimus Prime at some point in their career, this will prove who deserves the title.

Forget Richard Sherman, Leon Sandcastle Gets Thrown Into The Debate

leon-sandcastle-roger-goodellOver the last week many have fought about who exactly is the best cornerback in the league. The war flared once Richard Sherman made the statement that he was the best corner in the league after the NFC Championship game in Seattle. During all of this, many corners have been able to respond that they too are the best corner in the league. Leon Sandcastle broke his silence just an hour ago after being declared missing for over one year after the 2013 NFL draft where he was selected first overall from the Kansas City Chiefs. Sandcastle signed with the Denver Broncos Sunday morning, and already has been added to the Papa John’s commercials. Sandcastle is looking to be a nice help as Denver coach John Fox said ” He reminds me of Deion Sanders, just a little more ugly”. Leon Sandcastle was asked what will he do to help the Broncos win and replied with, ” I can play all positions, kick a 70 yarder, and throw the ball further than the size of Collin Knapernick’s nose, I’m primetime”.  In recent news, many have been dishearten to the recent report of Deion Sanders declared missing this morning in Hawaii. The Pro Bowl has been delayed as the search for Sanders is in progress across all of Hawaii.

Three Broncos Players Express Dismay Saying “Football Takes Up So Much Time”

tim-tebow-tebowingDENVER – Three Bronco players have complained to top officials within the organization that “they just want the season to be over,” and that “listen I signed up for 16 games, and then you add on preseason, minicamp, it’s just all a bit much.”

The players who, Team Executive, John Elway says will prefer to remain anonymous “have some legitimate beefs, I know this season has dragged on a bit, but I keep telling the guys, just keep holding on you know, few more days. We’ve tried everything, we even have started a tradition called ‘Movie Monday’ the whole team went and saw Frozen, super cute movie, by the way.”

One of the chief concerns is that the players are not having enough time to enjoy the millions of dollars they receive to play the game, one of the players expressed this concern saying “Listen, I know we’re paid a s— ton, but honestly, we can barley even enjoy all that stuff. Plus, playing in the league will literally turn my brain into apple sauce so once I’m done in football… the next forty years for my mind are going to be like a soft background static on the television, so what’s even the point?”

At press time, the players were given the day off and told to “relax, have a little ‘me time’.”


Pro Bowl Preview

Pro_Bowl_2006_cheerleadersTonight, Millions will sit down to watch the 2014 Pro Bowl. Of course this year, instead of NFC and AFC, there are team Sanders and team Rice. With this new style of play comes new challenges and entertainment.  With the Seahawks and Broncos playing next week, many pro-bowlers will miss it. This includes Richard Sherman(Boo Hoo). But there still will be many great players present. QB’s Andrew Luck (Sanders) and Drew Brees (Rice) will be matching up.

Here are how I line up the teams by section.

QB’s: Rice                                                                                                                                                                                            This is a classic veteran vs. Rookie match-up. I choose Rice because his Veteran QB’s have more experience than Sanders Rookies in the Pro Bowl.

RB’s: Sanders                                                                                                                                                                                     This is very close but Sanders choices of Lacy and Morris are perfect. They have shown great talent and potential the whole season.

Receivers: Rice                                                                                                                                                                                 It was a easy choice. In between the experience of Fitzgerald and Graham, plus Marshall’s dominance; Drew Brees will have a field day throwing.

D-line: Sanders                                                                                                                                                                                     With the mighty J. J. Watt, and feared Suh; Sanders d-line is slightly betters than Rices.

Secondary:  Rice                                                                                                                                                                               The tiebreaker in this battle is CB Antonio Cromartie and SS Eric Reid.

Special Teams: Rice                                                                                                                                                                         The legendary performance this season by K Stephen Goskowski is far better than Justin Tucker’s. He will be a huge part of this Pro Bowl.

Game: Rice                                                                                                                                                                                         The perfect mix of great offense, defense, and Special teams will give the 2014 Pro Bowl to team Rice.

Michigan Shocker!

tim-hardaway-jr-michigan-basketballIt was hotly contested throughout, but in the end, 21st ranked Michigan pulled it off by a score of 80-75. Michigan who had been on an 8 game win streak, made it 9 with this shocker in Lansing. Michigan now holds the lead in the conference and is the only unbeaten team in conference play at 7-0. They play Iowa and Ohio St. In their upcoming games.

Michigan St. tried to come back at the end, but wasn’t quite able to come back from 6 points down with less than a minute left.

This win arises a number of questions. Are the Spartans still title worthy? Will the Wolverines run away with the conference? And, what does this say about the skill level of the Big 10? Are they the best conference in Men’s College Basketball?

Wolverines upset Michigan St. 80-75.

Iowa Loses Wrestling Match; Panic in Iowa City

9635566It’s mayhem in Iowa City. The chaos is everywhere. Stores have been looted and homes have been robbed. The crisis is spreading across the state too.

While Iowa fans were out drinking to celebrate their momentous basketball win over perhaps a national championship caliber Northwestern, a wrestling match was being shown on the Big Ten Network that pitted Iowa against Minnesota. Naturally Iowa had to win, no?

Except, Iowa didn’t win. They lost a 19-15 (uhh… how is wrestling scored?!?) duel against Minnesota. This wouldn’t normally be a bad thing, as the Golden Gophers are ranked number 3 in the land in wrestling. Iowa fans, however, apparently don’t see it that way. In an interview with some dude who is out in the streets of Iowa City, it was said “We’re Iowa. We don’t lose in wrestling. Since we did, this must be the end of the world.”

We also interviewed a man who owns a small pawn shop in downtown Iowa City. In his statement, he said, “This happens every time Iowa loses a wrestling meet. Hell, it happened earlier this year when Iowa lost to Penn State.”

Because of the constant scares that sweep the state following a wrestling loss, White House officials have begun to consider the idea of kicking Iowa from the union. Apparently Obama no longer wants to send armed troops into Iowa City to clean up the mess.

No word on why Iowa State followers have joined in the madness, but this reporter thinks that they are simply celebrating a rare basketball win.

Super Bowl Was Held Yesterday At Earth’s Core To Avoid Inclement Weather

2612f0ef8479784324cdfff22e467c7bEARTH’S CORE – Roger Goodell held a press conference today informing the country that the Super Bowl, the countries biggest sporting event was held yesterday, in a super secret facility in the Earth’s core.

“Yes, to avoid the possibility of snow and cold, we decided it would be best if we moved it straight underground. We have actually discovered a place within the molten crust where you can literally control environment. After mulling over countless options: playing the game as scheduled, moving the game around, even moving it to another place on the surface of Earth were all discussed, but this was the only credible option.”

The game was played in front of 0 fans, only the teams and referees, and Mr. Goodell were allowed down. The Seahawks won 24-17.

“Oh my god, it was a hell of a game if that makes you guys feel any better! Jesus, a last second interception return by none other than Richard Sherman, just really a picture perfect game. Damn shame you guys missed it.” Goodell said the game wasn’t taped, but he did remember a few plays, “oh yeah, I remember this one play and one of those big guys, number 67 I think, on the Broncos just had quite a block, probably a six, seven yard rush. Real fluid though.”

The best part though, was the halftime show, according to players “They literally found a species of what must be some sort of imp or something and these little dudes could just shred on the guitar, totally gnarly.” said Peyton Manning who also added, “by the way, I’m retired as hell now, ordered me like seventeen Papa John’s pizza and I’m just gonna go to town.”

At publication time Goodell was trying to remember what Seahawks corner, Richard Sherman, had to say after the game, “I remember he was real excited about something, I can’t remember what… I think it was like a good parking spot or something… Christ, what was he saying. I don’t know. Anyways, good season fellas!”