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News Satire

Eli Manning Diagnosed With Down Syndrome

A huge news story just broke out and it has been confirmed that New York Giants Quarterback Eli Manning has officially been diagnosed with mild Down Syndrome. It has been rumored for years that Eli suffered from some type of disability and it has now come out to the public. We managed to reach brother Peyton and his wife Abby for their thoughts on this news.


“This doesnt change anything. Eli is still my brother and is no different. He is still a great QB in the NFL and has overcome many things in his life. He hasnt let this hinder his playing ability or his personal life. He is still a great person and a great brother” said Peyton.


His wife Abby told us the following: “Its a real shock to our entire family. Eli did seem slightly off compared to most people but he is still a kind hearted guy and I love him. Alot of things might change now in his life but our family is going to be together and help him through this time. We ask you please respect our privacy and give Eli and our family space.”


How will this news impact the Giants next season? Do they stick with Manning or try to trade him away? There are many unknowns so far about all of this but we will keep you updated here at

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Tony Romo And Jason Witten Admit To Homosexual Romance

Dallas, TX


The NFL has been set on fire with this new story breaking out of Dallas this morning. Cowboy teammates Tony Romo and Jason Witten have admitted that they have had a intimate relationship with each other for the past several years. The duo who has been called out before by former Cowboy Terrell Owens has finally come clean.


“Jason and I both felt like the time to come clean was now. With the all the acceptance of being gay now we had no reason not to. We are in love and no one can take that away from us. Since day one we felt something special between us and that eventually led to us having a relationship for several years now.” said Romo who was hand in hand with lover Jason Witten next to him.


We managed to reach Candice Romo and ask for her input and she had the following to say:

“I’m upset to say that least. I knew they were very close but I didnt expect them to be actually together. I love Tony and we have a family but this clearly changes everything. I am unsure what is next for our marriage and what Tony plans to do but I will raise my daughter and I hope he will continue to be a father to our child. But I do hope the best for him in what he chooses to do with himself. I still love him with all my heart”.


None of the Cowboy players or staff could comment on this story. But with this story just breaking out expect a major whirlwind of media looking for any and all comments on this story from any and all people in the spotlight who will give their opinion on this. But the biggest question is what happens to the Cowboys next season? How much will this disrupt the team next season?

Hawaii Lands NFL Team, Team Rice Goes Pro.

Honolulu, HI


Breaking news it has been declared that Team Rice will be the newest addition to the NFL. After beating Team Sanders on a clutch 2 point conversion. Goodell has decided it would be best to add Team Rice to the NFL.

“I feel the probowl was such a success why not add this to the everyday NFL. How this will work is the probowl winner joins the NFL each season. The defending pro bowl champs will play in the next probowl vs the new voted in team. The probowl team is not allowed to draft or run FA once in the NFL. So over time they’ll decline and get knocked out by a new probowl champ in a following probowl. Probowl team players will be paid triple of their old contracts or franchise tag pay. What ever is bigger. That will make the probowl far more intense. After each probowl is played the probowl team will get to play in the NFC Best with the other great teams there. Once a former probowl winner loses the players will be returned to their old teams if the team opts to retain them for remainder of contract. ”

There are a lot of mixed feelings when it comes to players, coaches and fans in the NFL. Will this kill the NFL? Shall this be the next great thing? Only time may tell.

Here are some player quotes below.

“Oh man, I am so stoked on my raise. While I still get Brees throwing my way.” – Graham

“This is dumb, just stupid, I hate this” – Cutler

“Well I loved NWO and all but man my deal being tripped? This is crazy.” – Brees

“Whoot I am finally on a team that can win.” – Gordan

“Ugh, I am so mad. If I knew about this I actually would of tried. Team Sanders would of been beast.” – Dez Bryant

“Some way somehow, I always find a way to become a backup.” – Alex Smith

“I have been told I have to coach the probowl team but triple pay and all my years guaranteed at normal pay if we get knocked out. I am ready for Hawaii.” – Ron Rivera

Between X-Games, Australian Open, and Winter Olympics, Fans Exhausted With Sports They Don’t Care About

Fans all across the country have been expressing “fatigue” and “fan overload” with having to cheer on teams and athletes in games they don’t understand simply because they feel obligated.

Guidance Counselor at Fargo Middle School Leo Savage expressed the view of many tiring fans when he said, “I can hardly keep up, first the X-Games all over ESPN at night and the F—– Australian Open all over ESPN2 in the mornings I feel like I have to watch these events, yknow? Those execs at ESPN get paid big money, they wouldn’t put boring sports on the television would they?…. Would they!?”

Surely, it has seemed like the sporting networks have been dominated by sports that only your weird friend from High School and your rebellious cousin who has been living off Monster energy drinks for the past eight years watch.

Echoing the confusion of many fans, Smoothie Stand employee Maria Ramos pondered the following, “Honestly, I thought the X-Games were just apart of the winter Olympics or something like that? They really think there’s a market to play those weird, cold, sports more than just once every four years? Hell, more power to them.”

And as if the three events weren’t already enough for the average sports fan, the perpetual hell that is the NASCAR season is about to start up, so you’re going to be asked about that at your next family gathering by your uncle that insists on wearing long , over-sized, polo shirts with the sleeves cut off.

So the question remains, what is it that keeps the fans watching? In short: American pride. Said professional snow shoveler Barnaby Pepper “All those sports have no teams, they all are representing country.. I think. Unless there is like Tennis Clubs or something. Plus, who is the relevant American tennis player anyways? Is Roddick still around or no? I have no idea. I was waking up at 3 in the morning to watch a sport I couldn’t care less about. God damnit. This point goes to national media. Fifteen-love. See? I did learn something.”


Hamilton & Pujoles Flee From Anaheim

Last night, former all-stars Albert Pujoles and Josh Hamilton fled together from Anaheim, California. In a tweet from Hamilton this morning, he said that playing on the Angels sapped the talent right out of them. While playing on the Angels last season, the 2 had their worsts seasons in their careers.  He added ” They knew we wanted to leave so for all the off-season and had a guy look over us. We finally escaped while he was watching a baseball bloopers marathon. An Angels spokesperson announced that they have had the state police look out for the duo. ” It is essential that they come  back safely. Our best guess is that they are heading North the San Francisco since our state borders tracking devices on them have not gone off so they are still in the state”. Giants officials say that they will take the  two with open arms. Some are worried that it could turn into a all out fan riot if Pujoles and Hamilton enter AT&T stadium. Angels teammate Mike Trout said ” We are equipping our fans with ‘appropriate’ weapons to ‘raid’ Frisco if my 2 teammates enter that city.” We will give more updates as they happen and hope that there will be minimum fan violence.

Brett Favre’s Back With A New Sex Tape Scandal

Favre took heat for sending pics to Jenn Sterger, now he's taking it all off.
Favre took heat for texting nude pics to Jenn Sterger, now he’s taking it off for the world.

Remember the good ole Brett Favre? Every young boys hero, and one of the best players to ever set foot on the football field. Favre has been brought back into the media spotlight today, with his new sex tape he released this Monday, featuring NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.

The sex tape has over 1.6 million views on Favre’s website, and has gained Favre over 100,000 followers on twitter over the last day.

Favre has yet to make a public announcement on this issue, but for Goodell, who has made numerous statements to the press, stating that he is planning to step down, and let Cowboys owner Jerry Jones take over the entire NFL organization. Jerry Jones has recently spoken to the media stating that he plans to eliminate all NFL teams besides the NFC East, and also wants to eliminate all kickers and punters. During all of this mayhem unfolding due to one sex tape that Favre released, it has gotten worse. Favre released a new sex tape starring Mark Sanchez an hour ago titled ” The real butt fumble”, and has sent the world into complete shock.

Favre surprisingly has gained more supporters across all of this, while the NFL is slowly crumbling away as new NFL commissioner Jerry Jones, plans to eliminate more positions and teams by the minute. The NFL is losing many fans, and for the first time in history the WNBA has grown popular and holds more season ticket holders than all the NFL.

This is a sad day in sports, and a sad day for the NFL.

New Study Shows That There Are Zero Milwaukee Bucks Fans

A stadium (half) full of pitiers and people there ironically
A stadium (half) full of pitiers and people there ironically

MILWAUKEE – According to a brand new study commissioned by the NBA, the Milwaukee Bucks professional franchise does not claim even one single fan. The study, which took polls and survey’s from all across the country and concluded that nobody, not even the players families can call themselves a true fan of the team.

Even people that were at the stadium watched the games said things like:

“Oh god, these guys? Yeah it’s cool and everything but we’re here mostly because we feel bad. If we don’t watch them, who will?”

“Honestly, the only reason I come is because the concession stand in row 108 is unbelievable. Seriously, go try those chili cheese fries you will not be disappointed.”

One question that was used as a paramater was simply, “name a single player on the Milwaukee Bucks roster” Here were some of the responses:

Season ticket holder Jerry Ramon said, “Christ, on the spot? Uhh we just traded for a guy, maybe his name is… It begins with a B I swear, Bryan maybe, Bryan? Is there a Bryan?”

NBA Analyst Doris Burke provided this answer, “I have no clue. Truthfully, if you wouldn’t of reminded me there was a team in Wisconsin I would’ve never, ever, EVER, remembered.”

Even Bucks General Manager Jeff Hammond was hard pressed to think of a player on his team, “We drafted somebody this year, I was just at his house for a barbecue too… Real nice guy. I can see his face but I can’t put a name to it. Nope, sorry.”

When we finally got ahold of NBA Commissioner David Stern’s office to ask about possible relocation, a spokesperson gave us the following statement:

“While we understand that there are cities out there like St. Louis, San Diego, Baltimore, Cincinnati, and of course Seattle, that could do a much better job with a franchise, we wouldn’t want to burden anyone with the pure boredom that is the Milwaukee Bucks roster.”


Michael Vick Hospitalized In Pit Bull Attack


Does Michael Vick believe in Karma?

Well if he didn’t before I’m sure he does now. Michael Vick was hospitalized in a pit bull attack in downtown Philadelphia this morning. When police investigated the scene they found at least 3 other pit bulls in cages although it didn’t appear that the dogs had been used for fighting.

While the police technically can’t charge Vick with dog-fighting (again), we feel he might have learned his lesson this time around. Apparently, one of the dogs got out of it’s cage and went on a rampage, hospitalizing 7 people including of course Michael Vick.

Michael Vick has experienced a lot of downers lately. Getting charged with dog-fighting, losing his starting job, and now getting hospitalized by a pit bull.

We also have an interview with Michael Vick before he went to the hospital. Interviewer: “Why were you in the same facility as people who were fighting dogs?” Michael Vick: “I did not even know that was a dog fighting lab.” Interviewer: “Were you watching the dogs fight? The cameras caught you going in 3 hours before the incident happened.” MV: “No comment. Can we get out of here please?”

Michael Vick apparently did not want to talk to reporters about the incident. I wonder why.

Masahiro Tanaka Signs With Yankees, Thanks Performance Enhancing Drugs

13993026-standardToday Japanese phenom Masahiro Tanaka was introduced to the New York Yankees. Tanaka who dominated the Japanese league with the Tohoku Rakuten Golden Eagles. Tanaka’s numbers were as follows:

-24-0 Win-Loss record

-1.27 ERA

-183 strikeouts

-0.943 WHIP

Only logical explanation for this, PEDs.

Reporters asked Tanaka why he chose the Yankees, Tanaka responded saying “What kind of question is that? I chose the Yankees because they are offering me so much money to just throw a ball, anyways I will get hurt before the All Star game like every other overpaid Yankee so it is basically free money!” Reports wanted to ask Yankees GM Brian Cashman about the deal with Tanaka but he was unavailable at the time reporters heard him weeping in his office as he wrote the check to the future bust.

Reporters also questioned about the Alex Rodriguez scandal to Tanaka and if he was aware of the current situation. “A-Rod? Oh yeah that guy has more steroid connects than millions he gave me about 6 phone numbers but I already have my connect back home he was the the reason I improved so much.”

Tebow Tries a Comeback

We have Just found out that QB Tim Tebow has just signed a 1 year deal to the Iowa Barnstormers.  The Barnstormers had the worst record in the Arena Football League at 6-12 last season. Tebow said to us that ” I tried all 32 NFL Gm’s, but they all laughed like crazy. Then I tried all the of the other AFL teams but the same thing happened. The only reason these guys took me is because I was the only guy to show up”. Tebow had signed Manchester United a week before and did not realize it was the wrong sport until he got onto the field and asked “where are the goal posts”. Manchester U Released him after he had the most  turnovers in Premiership history in that game. MU fans pelted him with Watermelons that had his name on it which they bought before the game.  Tebow left in full shame. His release contract was kicked at his head.  Once the news was announced, Barnstormers fans starting saying that the Apocalypse was upon Iowa and chaos has been   happening since. All this reporter has to say is God Bless the state of Iowa and let God spare them with a quick release of Tim Tebow.