Category Archives: News

News Satire

Kim Jong-Un to Play for North Korean Soccer Team in World Cup

June 26, 2014 JP Leave a comment

PYONGYANG, North Korea –

The FIFA World Cup has officially kicked off, and teams are eager to represent their nations. Most politicians sit back and hope for the best for the team representing their country, but others are not as content to sit on the sidelines. Kim Jong-Un has announced that he will be taking the spot of goalie for the North Korean soccer team during their time in the World Cup. The announcement was only made today, but tensions have already risen between Jong-Un and his new teammates.

“I was told he would be on the team, and if we lost, we lost a finger.” Said a team member who wished to remain anonymous. “I am not sure how to play with that kind of stress.”

It is unclear if Jong-un has any experience in the soccer world, but in the confidence department he is doing very well.

“I will kick the ball, or grab it, or stop it. It should be simple. I am a very complex man, so this will be easy.” Said Jong-Un. “No one in North Korea would ever tell me no, so I do what I want, and I want to be a goalie.”

Jong-Un is scheduled to play in North Korea’s next match, and fans of his in North Korea, as well as soccer fans in other countries, are anxious to see how his skills fare against the best players in the world.

“I fear nothing, if a man wants to kick or throw his balls at me, I have no fear. I have taken harder hits in life, and this is a sport that I feel that I can dominant in.” Said Jong-Un.

It has been reported that Jong-Un will be receiving the highest salary in the team’s history, and his other teammates have decided to take a pay cut to have him on the team. The pay cut was forced, but Jong-Un claims he is proud of his players for staying so modest.

NBA, News

LeBron Opens Up About Loss To Spurs, Reasons He Is Leaving Miami

June 26, 2014 JP Leave a comment

MIAMI, Florida –

After an extremely embarrassing loss to the San Antonio Spurs in the NBA finals, you can’t blame LeBron if he wants to leave The Heat. It has been reported that James will opt out of his contract and become a free agent. He has been with the Heat for several years after leaving Cleveland, and on paper he has nothing but a flawless career with Miami.

This year, the NBA finals made the normally powerhouse Heat look like rookies, even though they had a roster other teams can only dream of. In a private interview, James admitted why they lost to the Spurs, and the reason behind his choosing to leave the Heat.

“Well, obviously things didn’t go the way we wanted.” said James. “I’m not trying to take anything away from the Spurs or their organization here, but that was a series that should have gone a lot differently. I have never been so embarrassed in my life.”

James seemed no embarrassment in blaming everyone else on the team, taking absolutely no responsibility for any issues throughout their games with San Antonio.

“If my team played the way I told them to, then we would have won, no doubt in my mind. Not to mention if the entire organization had listened. No one heard a damn thing I said. They never hydrated me the right way, they even gave me Midol for my cramps – I’m not even kidding? On top of that, they never had the right sized headbands. They just pretended I wasn’t there, apparently. So maybe I just won’t be next time.”

It is unknown where LeBron will land come next season, but he has made it clear he is looking for a team that will listen to every one of his ideas, and take them as gospel.

“Any team in the NBA should be absolutely honored to have me on their team.” Said LeBron. “If there is a greatest player still working today, it’s got to be me. Next year, my new team will get me some damn headbands that fit.”

Headlines, News, Other Sports

Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather Set to Fight

June 26, 2014 JP Leave a comment

Miami, Florida-

Two of the highest paid athletes in the world are all set to meet glove-to-glove in the ring. There have been rumors of this fight happening for several months, and after all the drama, the contracts, and the disappointments, fans can finally prepare themselves to see these two settle it in the ring.

The high profile fight truly began to take shape last year, when friends of Mayweather began mercilessly teasing him, claiming that he would never take a fight with Pacquiao because he knew that he would lose. Apparently, Mayweather took this as a challenge, a blow to his ego that rattled his cage enough to agree to get in the ring.

“I’m not afraid of anyone.” says Mayweather. “I will step in the ring with King Kong himself, and I’d whoop that monkey’s ass, too. They say money can’t buy you happiness, but I tell you what- I’ll feel extremely happy when I get the extreme amounts of cash from this fight purse. In no way shape or form will Manny be able to stand toe-to-toe with me.”

It appears that Mayweather has it in his head already that the fight is in the bag, and he should breeze though it as if it was just any punk off of the street. This may or may not be the case, but in Pacquiao’s eyes the outcome of the fight will be completely different.

“I’m going to punch him in the face until he can’t get up.” said Pacquiao, being as literal as possible in his description of the fight. “Then when he is down, I will laugh in his face. Floyd is useless. Wait and see. All his money, it won’t be able to save him in the ring. Maybe he can use $100 bill to wipe away the blood and tears.”

“Blood and tears? That sonofa—. You know what I’ll use that $100 bill for?” Said Mayweather in response. “I’m going to use that $100 bill to buy a box of tissues, because they’re way softer than money for wiping away tears. Also, I’ll expect at least $98 in change from that $100, and I’ll put that back in the bank. Can’t be too careful in this economy.”

The full fight card has not yet been announced, but the pay-per-view event is scheduled for the end of August, and will be held at the Sands Casino in Las Vegas.

Headlines, News, Soccer

FIFA World Cup Committee Banning Teams That Refer To Sport As ‘Soccer’

June 26, 2014 JP Leave a comment

ZURICH, Switzerland –

Some truly bitter news for soccer fans was reported today. After a few years of debate, the board of trustees for the world cup committee have come to an agreement, one that will hurt the USA Soccer team. It has been decided that any team that does not wish to call the sport by its true name, football, will be immediately banned from competition.

It has been reported that they feel that it is disrespectful to call something that it isn’t, and would never do this in any other sport.

“It’s like calling a man a woman, or a Korean a Mexican. We just can’t allow it.” Said Prince Ali Bin Al-Hussein, vice-president of FIFA. “The sport is known in more countries as football, and indeed you primarily use your feet to play. This is not a decision that happened overnight.”

The committee said they felt that out of all the sporting events in this world, besides the Olympics, this is one that caters to all nations, big or small. They feel that if most of the world is on board to play, then they should be on the same page in every aspect of the sport, even the name.

“Football is a beautiful sport, and I’m not talking about the American version were men grab butts, wear tights, and throw a ball with their hands. I’m talking about the truly exciting sport of football, were men run up and down the field for over an hour, and hug when a single goal is scored.” Said Sepp Blatter, president of FIFA.

There has been no official word by the United States on plans to change their name to the US Football Team, but production has been put in motion by the team owners to create new uniforms and memorabilia. With the US moving along swiftly in World Cup play, owners are just hoping they have a chance to officially change the name before they are disqualified from competition.

News, Other Sports

2014 ATP World Tennis Tour To Be Played Using Nintendo Wii

June 26, 2014 JP Leave a comment

Paris, France –

A new angle will be added to this years ATP World Tennis Tour. After years of the “same old thing” when it comes to tennis matches, the ATP have decided to use technology to liven up this years tour.

The ATP reported that starting this year their World Tour will be played via Wii Sports Tennis, and all of their competing athletes will have to participate or will be disqualified automatically. The new event was created to bring a fun, familiar technology into the old sport, and also to prevent weather, fatigue, and injuries from stopping a match.

“It is very difficult to watch a match go on for hours, and then be postponed due to weather, or nightfall.” Said ATP representative Joe Goldsmith. “It will take time to get used to it, but I’m sure that people will really enjoy the new format over time. We have begun to lose rating dues to matches being to long, and not being finished that day, or raining on the court, that sort of thing. This is our best option here – a Wii can be stored in a dry place with lighting, and every professional tennis player has to be good at Wii tennis right?”

When asked if he thought that maybe it would be a better decision to just schedule the matches in well-lit, domed stadiums instead, Goldsmith said that the ATP wants progress, not just a place to play.

“We’ve been holding these tournaments for decades, and can anyone in this room even tell me the name of tennis player that isn’t named Agassi or McEnroe? Federer or Williams? I didn’t think so.” Said Goldsmith. “This Wii tournament, it will make the audience even more excited, because as soon as the games are over, they can start their our tournament on their consoles, right there in their living room!”

Tennis pros themselves seem to be ambivalent about the changes, and most are just happy that they are still going to be making extreme amounts of money for playing one of America’s least-favorite sports.

“At least I’m not a golfer,” Said Venus Williams. “My God, then nobody would know who I was.”

Nintendo of America, the company behind the Wii, is said to be a key sponsor in the tournament, and are donating as many Wii consoles as the ATP requests, and are also setting up the equipment for play, including the 80″ hi-defintion televisions that will be used at each event.

Headlines, MMA, News, UFC, WWE

John Cena To Make Debut in the UFC This Fall

June 25, 2014 JP Leave a comment

Las Vegas, Nevada –

One of the most popular wrestlers in the WWE has decided to take the next step in his career. John Cena, a both a fan favorite and one of the most hated men in wrestling today, will be stepping away from the entertainment ring, and heading to the real fights of the octagon this fall.

It has been announced that Cena has been training for a mixed martial arts fight for awhile, and after Dana White gave the approval, a bout was instantly scheduled.

It is unclear who he will be facing but sources have said not to expect his first fight to be against any “All-Star” UFC fighter. Cena reportedly got the idea from fellow wrestler and one-time UFC star Brock Lesner, but fans and insiders alike are already questioning if he can handle taking on real fights.

“Cena is very prepared. He knows these are real badass fighters throwing real punches and kicks.” Said Dana White. “He’s not taking this lightly. I mean, he probably is going to get his ass handed to him, but at least he knows what’s coming.”

Cena did speak to the press, but was very unclear about his wrestling future, he appeared more concerned about his upcoming fight.

“I’m going to beat this dude so bad he is going to wish that the fight was fake like wrestling. I’m sick of people making jokes that what I do is fake, and I can’t hold my own. This is to prove that I’m a real fighter, and can take it and give it, 100%. They won’t even see me coming.” said Cena

It has been rumored that Cena may fight Kimbo Slice in his first bout, but nothing is on paper yet. The only thing that has been floating around is a poster by a promoter for the UFC. The poster mocks Cena, with the slogan of “Watch Kimbo Get His Career Back As Cena Loses His.”

The WWE still has Cena under contract, and has not commented on how often Cena will still be featured in their matches, but a schedule of a UFC fighter can be pretty time-consuming. It fair to assume that Cena will be dividing his time between the squared-circle and the octagon come this fall.

News, Soccer

USA Soccer Team Ties Portugal On Purpose, Team Bets On Final Score

June 25, 2014 JP Leave a comment

FINAL: PORTUGAL 2, UNITED STATES 2

A game that was thought to be in the bag for the United States of America Soccer team took an unfortunate twist in the last several minutes, as Portugal scored a game tieing goal. The goal was scored by Portugal’s Silvestre Varela, and even his face looked as if he was surprised he was able to get it in that easily.

It appeared that the United States seemed very disgraced by the goal, but it was leaked to the press late last night by a player of the American team that they wanted the game to end in a tie, reportedly to help raise the winnings on bets placed by members of the US team before the game.

Jermaine Jones, a player on the team who scored one of the two goals, told reporters why the game ended the way that it did.

“We made a bet, all of us on the team. We each threw in $5,000, and whoever guessed the ending score of the game right before the match took all the cash.” said Jones

“I myself bet that it would end 2-1, and I was excited when I added a goal, and then Dempsey punched one in. I would have won the cash, and we would have won the game. The kicker is that our goalie bet it would end in a tie with he final score being 2-2. Thinking about it now it was stupid to have a goalie in on the betting because he can control half the scoring.”

The World Cup Soccer Foundation is reportedly investigating the allegations of betting placed by a team against themselves to see if it breaks any of their rules or laws. So far, no reprimands have come down against any member of the team.

News, NFL

Super Bowl 50 To Be Played in Ireland, NFL Fans Outraged

June 25, 2014 JP Leave a comment

Belfast, Ireland –

The location for the 2015 Super Bowl has been announced today and it is not receiving the applause that NFL officials thought it would. The next super bowl will be held in Belfast, Ireland, as a way to attempt to widen the fan base that the National Football League has in the world.

Stunts like this have been done before, such as Notre Dame playing college football games in Ireland, and the ratings that came from those games were outstanding. The NFL has attempted the same approach, but with such a big game, and with many fans not able to travel to see it in person, people are not happy.

“So I have to travel to a far away land to see a game that is already extremely expensive to watch?” Said Derek Paul, a fan who was planning on attending the Super Bowl this year for the first time.

Reports speculate that their may be some hidden ties here that we are un aware of. Geoff Silver, a commissioner of the NFL, also happens to have some businesses in Ireland, and rumors have surfaces, alleging he is doing this for sponsorships and more money.

“I have heard the rumors and that is not the case.” Said Silver. “This has nothing to do with me. This was decision of the entire NFL committee as a whole. We just want to broaden our horizons a bit, and have this special game somewhere besides the United States. On top of that, have you ever tried O’Malley Whiskey? It’s smooth as an Irish river and makes you feel like a warm summer day.”

So far no sales or sponsorship has been made for this upcoming Super Bowl with the exception of one, O’Malley Irish Whiskey. It is unclear at this time who the game will be played for live, as most Americans will not be able to afford the travel, and the Irish don’t generally follow American football.

Headlines, News, NFL

Aaron Hernandez Escapes From Prison During Routine Hospital Trip

June 25, 2014 JP Leave a comment

Bristol County, Massachusetts –

Ex-tight end and current felon Aaron Hernandez is on the run from the law, after managing to get past a prison guard while checked into a a local Massachusetts hospital earlier this week. Hernandez held a good spot on the New England Patriots before being charged with murder. He steadfastly proclaimed his innocence during the investigation, but with so much evidence pointing to the contrary, the jury found him guilty.

It has been reported that Hernandez was complaining about stomach pains for months and begged security guards to take him to an actual hospital off prison grounds. After several weeks of hearing Hernandez cry in pain, they set up a date to visit a local hospital by the prison for a routine check up.

While in the hospital Hernandez made his move and escaped the officers on the scene. Still on the loose, police are baffled to where he could be and how this even happened.

“From my knowledge there was four officers watching him and he was cuffed to the bed. I don’t know how this happened” said the chief of Bristol County, Joseph Goldsmith.

News of Hernandez being free has brought shock to people, but excitement for some die-hard Patriots fans.

“I hope he is smart and gets some plastic surgery for his face. He could come back and play as someone completely different. We need him on the field, not in prison.” Said Archie Sellers, a die-hard Patriots fan.

Reluctantly, the guard in charge of watching Hernandez during the hospital visit admitted what had actually happened, and how Hernandez was able to escape.

“We were in a hospital not a prison, there was no bars to hold him back. He came at me fast did a studded step, then a swim move, and finished me with a stiff arm. He is fast as hell and looked like he was running for a hail mary pass as he flew out those hospital doors. By the time I got outside he was gone, nowhere to be seen.” Said the guard.

Anyone with information on Hernandez’s whereabouts are encourage to contact their local police department.

Headlines, News, NFL

Stephen Colbert Injured In Airport By Marshawn Lynch

June 23, 2014 kctinman Leave a comment

LOS ANGELES– One of America’s favorite comedic political figures was injured at LAX on Saturday, when Stephen Colbert was knocked down by Seattle Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch. The beloved host of “The Colbert Report” tore his groin muscle due to the incident, which by all reports was accidental. According to eye witnesses, Lynch was a in a big hurry as he sprinted through the terminal, when he suddenly cut back to his right. That is when he ran right over Colbert, and never even slowed down. “Lynch headed to a snack shop and grabbed up like seven bags of Skittles,” Becky Lewis, a fellow traveler, told us via Skype. He got his candy and went right back to his run toward his plane. I guess he was running late, but I hate to see that poor comedian get bowled over like that.

Colbert is recovering nicely at his home in New Jersey and will miss no time on his highly rated Comedy Central show. We were only able to do a text message interview with Colbert as he is quite busy. “I am going to be fine and I have no hard feelings against Marshawn Lynch. I do have a problem with these Skittles however. If they can cause a grown man, an athlete at that, to go berserk and crash into people just to get to the sugary treats, we have a problem. With my nation of worshipers, we are going to boycott the candy until they go belly up. We live in an age of truthiness, and we are going to let the truth be known about this addictive treat,” Colbert told us. The comedian said that he believes the Skittles are the next thing to Meth and cannot believe they remain legal, much less over the counter. He also stated that he has done a bit of research since his groin injury and found out that Skittles were used in some nuclear testing in 1952. He declined to elaborate, but said that he would release more information in the coming days as the boycott gets rolling.

Lynch heard about the incident, which he never even noticed, as his lust for Skittles temporarily numbed him to outside stimulus, like running over a comedian. The running back went to Twitter to apologize to Colbert then threaten him moments later. “Sorry bout the beast mode trucking I accidently put on u dude.” “Best drop this boycott of Skittles tho bro. Messin w/ wrong candy,” tweeted Lynch. We will monitor this situation and see what occurs over the next week. We can only hope for some reconciliation between the two parties and the candy in question.