Category Archives: NBA

NBA News

Carmelo Anthony Signs Multi-Year Deal With The Miami Heat

June 26, 2014 JP Leave a comment

MIAMI, Florida –

One of the most exciting players in the NBA, Carmelo Anthony, announced earlier today that he has signed a 3-year deal with The Miami Heat, hoping to replace the talent that Miami is losing after it was recently announced that their star player, LeBron James, would be leaving to become a free agent. Anthony will be headed to a new city, on a new team, in attempts to do what he was trying to do with The Knicks – win a title.

Since Anthony has been a free agent, a lot of different offers came his way, but The Heat found a way to lock him down for at least 3 years and people are excited about the move.

Anthony was an all-star for the Knicks, and some would say that he was the golden horse of the organization. He had all the tools to be a champion player, besides a team that could follow suit. Anthony is very optimistic about things to come in Miami, and said believes he will be the player maker to make The Heat unstoppable.

“Things just got a little hotter for The Heat.” said Anthony. “I’m excited to play for an organization that can finish strong, and win championships. I feel this squad should be called the fantastic four, we will be unstoppable.”

During the interview, a reporter questioned Anthony’s Fantastic Four reference, seeing as how their would be 5 players on the court at once.

“Listen, I don’t care about numbers or counting. It doesn’t even matter who is on the floor with me, they can just sit pretty anyway. I will win game-after-game anyway, with them or without them.” replied Anthony.

Anthony is scheduled to report to South Beach in the next week to begin training with The Heat. He personally requested a new speedo, some sunblock, and a private chair on the beach for when he arrives.

NBA, News

LeBron Opens Up About Loss To Spurs, Reasons He Is Leaving Miami

June 26, 2014 JP Leave a comment

MIAMI, Florida –

After an extremely embarrassing loss to the San Antonio Spurs in the NBA finals, you can’t blame LeBron if he wants to leave The Heat. It has been reported that James will opt out of his contract and become a free agent. He has been with the Heat for several years after leaving Cleveland, and on paper he has nothing but a flawless career with Miami.

This year, the NBA finals made the normally powerhouse Heat look like rookies, even though they had a roster other teams can only dream of. In a private interview, James admitted why they lost to the Spurs, and the reason behind his choosing to leave the Heat.

“Well, obviously things didn’t go the way we wanted.” said James. “I’m not trying to take anything away from the Spurs or their organization here, but that was a series that should have gone a lot differently. I have never been so embarrassed in my life.”

James seemed no embarrassment in blaming everyone else on the team, taking absolutely no responsibility for any issues throughout their games with San Antonio.

“If my team played the way I told them to, then we would have won, no doubt in my mind. Not to mention if the entire organization had listened. No one heard a damn thing I said. They never hydrated me the right way, they even gave me Midol for my cramps – I’m not even kidding? On top of that, they never had the right sized headbands. They just pretended I wasn’t there, apparently. So maybe I just won’t be next time.”

It is unknown where LeBron will land come next season, but he has made it clear he is looking for a team that will listen to every one of his ideas, and take them as gospel.

“Any team in the NBA should be absolutely honored to have me on their team.” Said LeBron. “If there is a greatest player still working today, it’s got to be me. Next year, my new team will get me some damn headbands that fit.”

Headlines, NBA

Man Arrested For Sabotaging Air Conditioning During Game 1 of NBA Finals

June 11, 2014 IamShado Leave a comment

SAN ANTONIO, Texas –

UPDATE: The validity of this article could not be confirmed. According to the San Antonio Spurs, no one named Brendan Kelly was working as a contractor during this time.

———-

Brendan Kelly, a mechanical contractor working at the AT&T center, was arrested today after security footage showed him tampering with the air conditioning unit during game 1 of the NBA finals. Kelly, a die-hard Spurs fan, was quoted as saying he thought that sabotaging the air conditioning would make it extremely difficult for the Spurs’ opponents, the Miami Heat, to play, thus making him a fortune with his bookie.

“I just wanted to give my boys an edge, and I saw a perfect opportunity here.” Kelly said during a police interview. “Nothing wrong with making a little scratch on a game, right?”

The heat inside the AT&T Center had reached almost 90 degrees by the end of the third quarter, and not only was it taking a toll on the Heat, causing star player LeBron James to sit out part of the the game with cramps caused by dehydration, it wasn’t doing any favors for the Spurs, either.

“I don’t think I’ve ever played in anything like this since I left the islands,” said Tim Duncan, center for the Spurs and a native of St. Croix in the U.S. Virgin Islands.

Despite complaints from everyone in the building, referees and coaches were never consulted about stopping the game. According to Rod Thorn, Vice President of Operations for the NBA, because players were not “slipping on condensation,” there was never any talk during the game of stopping play.

“We rarely would stop a game, especially in the playoffs.” Said Thorne.

empire-sports-lebron-cramps-during-game-1-NBA-finals — LeBron leans on teammates to make his way off the court, suffering from dehydration

Official word from representatives for the AT&T Center was that their system was just malfunctioning. Now that Kelly has been arrested for the tampering, they have backpedaled in their stance on the matter.

“We were under the assumption that our air conditioning system was malfunctioning, and that was our initial report.” Said Raymond McNeil, director of the AT&T Center. “With Mr. Kelly being taken into police custody, we are supporting them in any way we can to make sure he is prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.”

Kelly is being charged with 1st degree vandalism and placing illegal bets on a sports game, both felonies in the state of Texas.

MLB, NBA, News, NFL, NHL

Kellog’s Releasing Cereals Featuring Branded Sports Teams

May 31, 2014 whoisgrimm Leave a comment

BATTLE CREEK, Michigan –

When it comes to sports related cereals, General Mills’ Wheaties cereal has always been the #1 contender. They have been putting sports teams and individual sports stars on their boxes for generations. The Kellog company is looking to change the face of the sports-food world though, as this morning they announced a new line of cereal and breakfast bars featuring branded sports teams.

Kellog’s has said they are hoping to finally steal the spotlight away from General Mills and their Wheaties cereal, turning kids on to something “more fun” to eat and “with way more taste.”

“We don’t believe that the cereal you are eating should taste like the box it comes in, and that’s why were are creating this new line of sports-releated cereals and breakfast bars.” Said James Jenness, chairman of the Kellog Company. “We know there are other cereals out there making money off sports stars, Olympians, and certain teams, and they’ve created a monopoly on it. We’re tired of it. We want our cereals to be great tasting, fun to eat, but also to have great sports heroes on every box for the kids to look up to and learn about.”

Jenness says that the boxes of the cereals and bars will all have branded sports teams covering all major sports leagues, including BOSOX-Os (Boston Red Sox, MLB), MAPLE LEAF MUNCHIES (Toronto Maple Leafs, NHL), PACKER POWER BARS (Green Bay Packers, NFL), and WORLD SERIES WONDER PUFFS (New York Yankees, MLB), to name a few. So far, most of the major teams in each sport have signed off on use of logos and player likenesses.

Each box will contain sports stats on the team and history of some their most famous players. Also on each box will be a QR code that can be scanned with any smartphone which will take you to a Kellog’s website with even more information on the team, options for purchasing apparel, tickets to upcoming games, and coupons for use on future purchases of other cereals in the new sports line, dubbed K-Teams.

“We wanted to take breakfast and jazz it up, and we really feel we’ve accomplished something great with K-Teams. I’m really excited for everyone to be able to try these new cereals and bars. They’re really great. Collect them all!” said Jenness.

The entire K-Teams line of cereals and bars are scheduled to be released in the fall of this year.

Headlines, NBA, News

New NBA ‘Fairness’ Rule Forcing Teams To Have White Player On Court At All Times

May 25, 2014 JP Leave a comment

NEW YORK CITY–

A lot of controversy is surrounding the NBA, and a new rule change won’t make a better case for the organization. With stories of Donald Sterling hitting every news station, and the word racism being tossed around frequently, officials from the NBA held a meeting, and have decided on a new rule for next season.

The rule that is being put to place is being called “Sighting” but basically refers to having a white player on both teams constantly on the court. The heads of the NBA have found it not fair to have all African Americans players at one time, and wanted to create a loop hole which would force at least one white person on a team constantly playing.

“I know it seems crazy, but we have found that this may be the fairest way to going about this,” said an official who wants to remain anonymous. We are unsure if this is because of race matters, or talent, either way we needed to make a change on this scenario. Now, we now that the fans would rather see a 6 foot African American slam an alley oop, but we are going to have to settle with seeing a 6 foot white player barely get in a lay up now and again.”

The new rule will take effect this following NBA season, and will also force some NBA teams to draft a few white players. If the a team does not have at least one White player on their team roster, they will be fined until one is drafted or picked up. Not exactly the fairest way to go about it in that aspect, but rules are rules.

Headlines, NBA, News

Mark Cuban Loses The Dallas Mavericks From A Bet

May 23, 2014 JP Leave a comment

Dallas, Texas-

One of the most infamous owners in the NBA has to be Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban. Cuban is known for being a billionaire, and star of the ABC television show “Shark Tank.” Cuban made his fortune by taking risks throughout his life, and it paid off substantially for him up until now.

Cuban had placed a bet with a fellow business partner, and has lost the Dallas Mavericks because of it. The name of the person who has won the bet has not yet been released, but soon enough his or her face will have to surface. The bet was said to be made over a product Mark had invested in on the television show Shark Tank.

If the product made X amount of money in the first year of running the business, Cuban’s partner would pay triple the profits. If it didn’t make the money, Cuban would lose his NBA team. Fate did not shine down on Cuban, because now he is legally forced to give up the team.

“All I can say is that the person who won the bet has some legal background, because there is nothing I can do to get the Mavericks back.” said Cuban. “It is truly embarrassing in a sense. I loved my team, and didn’t realize that they meant more to me than some stupid bet. Granted, this does suck, it is my mistake and I am a man of my word. For now the person will take the team, but I am working on getting them back, but the contracts and paperwork is making it a lot harder than I thought it would be.”

The players have not commented on the news of Cuban losing the team, but perhaps they will see it as a fresh beginning.

NBA, News

NBA Adds Lay-Up Competition To All-Star Weekend for Short Players

May 22, 2014 JP Leave a comment

BRONX, New York– With so many great athletes in the NBA, one of the highest viewed competitions is the yearly NBA dunk contest. It is an event of pure talent, strength, and swagger as players from the NBA show how crazy they can get with their dunks. Throughout the years we have seen dunks no man thought could be possible.

Now, we are getting the chance to see some of the shorter, and whiter players get a chance to showcase their talents. The NBA has announced that coming next season a NBA Lay-Up Competition will take effect to show that other players in the NBA have skill to. Granted, it won’t be as faced paced and exciting as the dunk contest, people are optimistic about the event.

“That’s awesome!” said one white man

“How many different type of lay ups can a person honestly do? They will have to get extremely creative.” said another man

Their will be rules to this event to enter, and hearing the rules it truly does make things fair for those shorter players. Here are a few key rules pro basketball players must follow to enter.

1. Must be shorter than 6 feet tall

2. Must have at least one style of lay up

3. Must bring at least 10 paying customers to enter

4. A surcharge of $100 to enter

5. No one from the Miami Heat is allowed to enter

With a tough contest, and strict rules you know that the pay off for the winner will be huge right? Prizes include a trampoline, a sponsorship by Little Caesars, all you can eat bread buffet, and a ride on a Ferris wheel.

Headlines, NBA, News

LeBron James Confirms Intentions To Leave Miami After Season

May 22, 2014 JP Leave a comment

MIAMI, Florida-

The franchise team will be taking a huge hit following this season, after reports of LeBron James leaving the team has surfaced. James has been an all-star player to the team, but after contract complications, it appears his destiny will be held at another team.

According to sources within the Miami Heat organization, James met with Heat owner Micky Arison over the weekend and they were not able to work out a contract that would satisfy both parties.

You would think that back-to-back championships would have held LeBron’s spot on The Miami Heat, but it appears that money has become a huge issue and the team can no longer gain profit by having him on the team.

Many believe that James is the best NBA player out there, but sometimes you have to remember that the NBA is also a business, and if you aren’t making money out of a business then you are going to end up broke. It turns out the expenses that LeBron has racked up, along with a very high salary cap, have made it too expensive to keep him in a Heat jersey.

“He is a great player, but with anything great there are pros and cons.” said Micky Arison, owner of The Miami Heat. “Don’t get me wrong – if we could keep him we would, he has been an asset to the team, and it has been a lot of fun watching him play and win for us. The reality is he is expensive to keep on the roster, and with an all-star player like James they expect bonuses and perks. We have spent thousands on custom made headbands alone.”

It is unclear where James will play next, but talks of him returning to Cleveland have been up in the air. If Cleveland has the cash for LeBron it may be a possibility, but the pain that he left to his fans out there may never go away.

NBA, News

67% of Prostitutes Still Willing To Date Donald Sterling According To Poll

May 20, 2014 kctinman Leave a comment

LOS ANGELES– A new poll out this morning shows some appalling results when it comes to morals in America these days. According to the phone survey conducted by Griffen Brothers Polling Stats Inc, a whopping 67% of whores would still date disgraced Clippers owner, Donald Sterling. The NBA owner was outed as an alleged racist and a general douche bag by TMZ recently. He was seemingly set up by his “assistant”, V. Stiviano, who recorded Sterling’s rant about her being photographed with black guys.

The poll was taken in light of the obvious nature of V. Stiviano’s sketchy relationship with the 80 year old Sterling. Stiviano is only 31, so I don’t need to elaborate on her reason for hanging with a guy who is half a century her elder. I don’t need to elaborate, but I will anyway. She is a whore lacking in morals, who has sex with super rich guys in the hopes of obtaining a portion of that wealth at some point in her disturbing future, allegedly.

The upsetting poll results show just how far many whores are willing to go to hit the lotto of old man pleasuring. One anonymous groupie from the ATL, told the pollsters that she did not care if Sterling was a racist. “All I care about is that cash homie. If I cared about morals, do you think I would be rubbing up on guys older than my great grandfather,” she stated. Another slut from Miami was quoted as saying, “If the worst thing that NBA owner did was say he disliked black people, then I am ok with that. He is a billionaire, so short of him killing a close member of my own family, I would still date him. And by date him, I mean have sex with him. And on a regular basis.”

There was a time in America that whores had a code. That time is gone forever I am afraid. Only 33% of responding harlots had the pride to take a stand against racism. That number will continue to dwindle until there is not one upstanding whore left in this great nation.

Headlines, NBA, News

Donald Sterling Shocks World; Asks V Stiviano To Marry Him

May 17, 2014 kctinman Leave a comment

LOS ANGELES — In a move that is likely just a ploy to remove his new status as a racist and a moron, Donald Sterling has asked V. Stiviano to marry him. As a side note, I am kind of tired of seeing this young lady’s first name listed as “V”, as if she is a mega celebrity in need of only a single letter to represent her. Even Elvis and Michael Jackson did not resort to such arrogance and they were two of the most famous people in the history of the earth. Anyway, Sterling proposed to her this weekend at a private retirement party at his home hosted by himself.

Several public relations experts see this marriage proposal as simply a way to rebuild Mr. Sterling’s image. “Marrying the an interracial woman, as opposed to simply using her for disgusting sex, might make the public think Mr. Sterling is a decent guy. The public usually sees through this kind of trick and they likely do not hold this “V” person in high regard anyway.”

I am not sure Sterling realizes he can just go get another young lady, aka whore-like female, who can replace this “V”. There is no need to marry this particular alleged harlot. But he is old and likely losing his mental faculties, along with his NBA team. It is not hard for a billionaire to find the company of a hot young temptress. So what if everyone hates him and thinks he is a racist? The racist thing is new, but people have hated this guy for a while.

In a side story, Sterling is in talks to buy a pro soccer team overseas. It seems like a perfect fit, as soccer may be the most racist sport left on earth, besides NASCAR. Soccer fans would not be offended by anything Sterling does in the future. And it won’t be long before he says something stupid in the presence of an audio recorder once again, I am guessing.