Category Archives: MLB

MLB News

Kellog’s Releasing Cereals Featuring Branded Sports Teams

May 31, 2014 whoisgrimm Leave a comment

BATTLE CREEK, Michigan –

When it comes to sports related cereals, General Mills’ Wheaties cereal has always been the #1 contender. They have been putting sports teams and individual sports stars on their boxes for generations. The Kellog company is looking to change the face of the sports-food world though, as this morning they announced a new line of cereal and breakfast bars featuring branded sports teams.

Kellog’s has said they are hoping to finally steal the spotlight away from General Mills and their Wheaties cereal, turning kids on to something “more fun” to eat and “with way more taste.”

“We don’t believe that the cereal you are eating should taste like the box it comes in, and that’s why were are creating this new line of sports-releated cereals and breakfast bars.” Said James Jenness, chairman of the Kellog Company. “We know there are other cereals out there making money off sports stars, Olympians, and certain teams, and they’ve created a monopoly on it. We’re tired of it. We want our cereals to be great tasting, fun to eat, but also to have great sports heroes on every box for the kids to look up to and learn about.”

Jenness says that the boxes of the cereals and bars will all have branded sports teams covering all major sports leagues, including BOSOX-Os (Boston Red Sox, MLB), MAPLE LEAF MUNCHIES (Toronto Maple Leafs, NHL), PACKER POWER BARS (Green Bay Packers, NFL), and WORLD SERIES WONDER PUFFS (New York Yankees, MLB), to name a few. So far, most of the major teams in each sport have signed off on use of logos and player likenesses.

Each box will contain sports stats on the team and history of some their most famous players. Also on each box will be a QR code that can be scanned with any smartphone which will take you to a Kellog’s website with even more information on the team, options for purchasing apparel, tickets to upcoming games, and coupons for use on future purchases of other cereals in the new sports line, dubbed K-Teams.

“We wanted to take breakfast and jazz it up, and we really feel we’ve accomplished something great with K-Teams. I’m really excited for everyone to be able to try these new cereals and bars. They’re really great. Collect them all!” said Jenness.

The entire K-Teams line of cereals and bars are scheduled to be released in the fall of this year.

Headlines, MLB, News

Baltimore Orioles Sign Underhand Pitcher With 105 MPH Fastball

May 28, 2014 JP Leave a comment

BALTIMORE, Maryland –

The Baltimore Orioles have picked up an exciting new addition to their bullpen today; A free agent from across the sea has been picked up, and will be placed on the Orioles’ roster. The player is Hidaki Lei, a 24 year old player who can throw some crazy heat behind the mound. Hidaki was being scouted by almost every team in the MLB for the past few months when a tape of him pitching hit YouTube in the United States.

Hidaki was clocked at an astounding 105 MPH fastball, and threw 3 perfect games in one season for his previous team. The Orioles management feel that he will make a great fit for their organization.

To add some icing to this cake, Lei only throws the ball underhanded. It is a very odd pitching style that is not often used, but that has clearly been mastered by Lei. Lei is scheduled to make his pitching debut for the O’s at the end of May.

“I’m excited to be a part of the this team, and I’m glad my skills can be used to help them hopefully win games. I had a lot of different offers come my way these past months, but this team seemed to fit me the most.” said Lei through a language interpreter. “I began to throw like this at an early age, and it just felt right. I have tried to throw the ball over handed, but my speed fell dramatically.”

Lei has signed a 3 year contract with the Orioles, with possibility for an extension based on how he transitions into the season.

MLB, News

Josh Beckett Caught Cheating After Pitching No Hitter for LA Dodgers

May 27, 2014 tony23 Leave a comment

LOS ANGELES, California –

Josh Beckett threw baseball’s first no-hitter of the season earlier this week, but later tested positive for possible HGH use during a routine drug check. Many suspect he could be a part of the Anthony Bosch Miami Clinic scandal. Beckett previously played for the Boston Red Sox, and prior to that he was a pitcher for the once Florida Marlins, which is what has lead to the tie to Anthony Bosch. Bosch was caught in a controversy a few years ago after several MLB players were caught and released for receiving HGH and other steroids and drugs at Bosch’s bio-genesis clinic in South Florida.

MLB officials, faced with another possible steroid/cheating scandal, have decided to test every player that has ever been a part of the Marlins organization, including current rosters. With this search they hope to stop the use of HGH, as well as other forms of cheating in baseball. The only exception, of course, being the New York Yankees, who are always privy to 2nd chances when it comes to cheating and rule breaking.

As of the time of this writing, Beckett had not commented on the accusation, except to say that it was completely false. Agents for Beckett and the LA Dodgers also had no comment. There is speculation that other members of the Dodgers could also be using HGH or other steroids, and the commissioner of baseball has said that it is possible that there may be a team-wide or even league-wide testing of all players and staff, including umpires, coaches, and even batboys.

Headlines, MLB, News, Uncategorized

Warner Bros. Interactive To Release Mortal Kombat Vs. MLB Video Game

May 23, 2014 whoisgrimm Leave a comment

BURBANK, California –

The action fighting series Mortal Kombat has grown to become one of the biggest video game series ever since it was released to arcades for the first time 22 years ago, but the newest installment in the series, which was announced yesterday, is probably the craziest idea yet – Mortal Kombat Vs. The Major League is set to debut at the beginning of next year.

The official word came from the headquarters of Warner Bros. Interactive, the publishing company that took over for Midway Games in the production of the Mortal Kombat series back in 2009. In an email sent to video game magazines and online publications, Ed Boon, original co-creator of the Mortal Kombat series, announced that his subdivision, NetherRealm Studios, had secured licensing from Major League Baseball for a roster of around 20 different players from several different teams to be included in the gameplay.

“We are extremely excited to announce that we are in the beginning stages of production for our new game Mortal Kombat Vs. The Major League.” Said Boon. “We at NetherRealm are extremely excited, as this is something we had been working towards with the League for several years, and as the licenses and agreements fell into place, everything started happening immediately. We are tentatively scheduling release for early spring, 2015.”

Mortal Kombat has a long history of being extremely violent, causing controversy upon its initial release with its inclusion of graphic blood, realistic depictions of violence, and the creation of the “fatalities” that fans have come to love over time. When asked via email about whether this game was going to be a more “toned down” version, as some of the later Mortal Kombat games have been, Boon stated that there would be no holding back with this new game.

“We had to tone down some of the elements of violence for some of our later games and partnerships, such as Mortal Kombat Vs. The DC Universe. That was part of our agreement with DC, which wanted to be able to market the game towards children. The MLB has not imparted any restrictions on us in the use of their players or teams, so we’re aiming to make this one of the most brutal Mortal Kombat games to date.”

So far, there has been no official word on which teams or players might make it into the game, but as word got out to players, several have stepped up to offer their likenesses.

“It would be a dream come true to be in a Mortal Kombat video game.” Said Dustin Pedroia, second baseman for the Boston Red Sox. “I grew up on Mortal Kombat, like most boys my age. It would be a honor to face off against Scorpion.”

Warner Bros. Interactive will be watching the sales of this game closely, as Boon pointed out, because the numbers will directly correlate to whether or not they seek out licensing deals with other major sports clubs.

“Oh, definitely – we would love to make this into a series if it does well. NHL, NFL…really, the sky is the limit for what we can do with these characters.” Said Boon. “This is going to be the most fun game of the MK Universe so far. I can’t wait for everyone to play it.”

The game is being announced for the XBox 360 and PS3, as well as next-gen consoles XBox One and PS4.

MLB, News

Preparation H, Makers Of Hemorrhoid Cream, Approach Derek Jeter For New Commercial

May 4, 2014 whoisgrimm Leave a comment

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Pfizer, the company behind the drug Preparation H, the #1 asshole-soothing medication in the world, has announced plans today to pursue New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter for a line of new commercials they plan to air by year’s end.

A representative for Pfizer released a statement via their website, as well as through media outlets such ESPN and The Associated Press, announcing their intentions to seek Jeter for their TV and internet spots, which would showcase the benefits of Preparation H, and its helpfulness in soothing that fire so often associated with a burning, polyp-laden rectum.

“Normally we wouldn’t go after someone in this fashion, and we are aware it’s unorthodox,” said Pfizer representative Martha Canon through their statement. “Normally we’d contact someone directly, or contact their representatives or legal team, but we’ve got such big ideas brewing we needed a big splash to get Derek’s attention. We think this is the way. We have a pretty good feeling that he is a user of our product, and now we want him to pitch it for us.”

Preparation H has been on the market in one form or another since the 1930s, and it is not known for its extensive commercials or advertising. This new line of commercials would be the first in a series planned to feature big-name athletes. It would also mark the first time that a major athlete stars in ads on national TV, print, and internet talking about their burning nether-regions. Usually, it is just speculated how much of a pain-in-the-ass a player might be, but now they’d be going on record to fully admit that they are, and have, those pains.

“We knew that Derek Jeter was the perfect player to kick off our campaign,” continued Canon in the prepared statement. “He’s always come across as a real fiery sphincter – especially if you’re a Boston fan. There’s no way that he doesn’t have that burning, itching sensation himself. Now we want him to tell the world how our products can sooth that burn, and bring some comfort back.”

So far, representatives for Jeter have not commented on whether or not he is interested in the deal. The reported take for Jeter would be somewhere in the nature of $3 million, plus a two-year supply of Preparation H, as well as several bottles of a product that is still in testing, which is designed to not only sooth the burns that may be causing suffering, but also to remove the stick, or in this case baseball bat, that is firmly implanted up there, causing all the trouble.

Pfizer is extremely excited for the deal to take place, and they have no reason to believe that Jeter would turn it down. “It’s a win-win for both sides. We get the publicity, and he gets tons of money and a more relaxed anus. What more could anyone really ask for?”

Pfizer has not announced who else they plan on seeking for future commercial spots, but it is speculated that they also will be looking to court Jeter’s New York Yankees teammate Alex Rodriguez, NBA star Kobe Bryant, NFL player Chad Ochocinco, and because of recent press, LA Clippers owner David Sterling.

Headlines, MLB, News

Yankees Caught Cheating Again, Forced to Forfeit All 27 World Titles

April 24, 2014 whoisgrimm Leave a comment

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

In a powering win over the Boston Red Sox last night, the big news of the game wasn’t the score, so much as the scandal caused by pitcher Michael Pineda. Last week during another crushing victory over Boston, it was speculated that Pineda had pine tar hidden on the back of his hand. It was not made immediately aware to the coaching staff of the Sox, so when it was finally questioned, the alleged tar had been removed. Pineda claimed it was dirt and that he was “sweating a lot” and needed it to dry his hands.

Pictures surfaced immediately all over the web following that game, with the general consensus being that it was not really dirt, but pine sap or tar. Suspicions of cheating were confirmed during Wednesday night’s game when it was found that Pineda had blatantly put a dab of pine tar on his neck. In light of this, the Major League Baseball commission has decided to strip the Yankees of all their world titles.

“It is with a heavy heart that I announce to the baseball community that the New York Yankees have been stripped of all their world titles.” Said Bud Selig, commissioner for Major League Baseball. “A team that has been consistently cheating this season has no doubt been cheating over the last century of playing. Therefore, we in the MLB have decided that they are undeserving of any championships.”

Selig continued by saying that all current players would be allowed to continue playing this season, but even if they make it to the World Series, they would lose automatically by default.

“In the unlikely event that the Yankees actually hold onto this winning streak and beat the Red Sox by the end of the season to make it to the Series, they will automatically lose regardless of ability. They will be allowed to win next season, assuming they lay of the tar.”

Seilg also has requested that all past players and staff for New York return their World Series rings, claiming them as property of Major League Baseball.

“I’m aware that players use steroids to increase their abilities, and that is one thing.” Said Selig. “No one wants to see some dumpy old men hit a line drive up the middle or strike out swinging. Everyone wants home runs and grand slams. We need steroids for that. But what we don’t need, what we absolutely cannot tolerate, is scuffing the balls with tar. It’s outlawed for a reason.”

There is rumor that not only will Pineda be fined for his indiscretions, but there is a possibility of him being fully banned from baseball. No word at this time what the final outcome will be.

MLB, News

MLB To Allow Players To Run Bases While Holding Bat

April 23, 2014 whoisgrimm Leave a comment

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

During a press conference this morning, commissioner of Major League Baseball Bud Selig announced another major change to the rules of play in professional baseball. This new announcement comes only weeks after the change to the home-plate collision rule, which makes it against the rules for catchers to block the path of a base-runner sliding into home plate.

The new rule, as Selig explained it, will allow all players to carry their bats with them to each base as they run. The change is being made to further the excitement among fans as players inevitably slide into bases and “accidentally” beat the hell out of the baseman.

“It’s a great change for all players, but it’s an even better change for people watching at home and in the stands. We know those 9 innings can sometimes be a nightmare where nothing at all happens. It’s even worse if the games go long. This change will make every base hit a nail-biter!” Said Selig.

Selig, who has been commissioner of baseball since 1992, reportedly came up with the idea while watching the 1990 film Problem Child starring John Ritter. In the film, a man adopts an unruly child, who in one scene hits a ground ball and immediately runs to each base while holding the bat, clubbing the other kids at each base as he goes.

“I saw that scene and I laughed so hard, and I knew that the fans of MLB would laugh, too. Every time Mark Teixeira takes a nut-shot with a Louisville Slugger they’ll hoot and holler. The rule had to happen.”

Selig said he also thought of changing the name of the “home-run” to a “touchdown,” which is what the boy from Problem Child began chanting after making it around the bases in the film. “I knew that the NFL would never allow us to steal their phrase, though.” said Selig. There is no word whether this new rule supersedes the recent home-plate collision rule.

Players are apparently divided on the new rule, with some actually talking about quitting the game all together.

“I never wanted to have to worry about getting smacked in the jimmies with a baseball bat,” said Derek Jeter, shortstop for the New York Yankees. “It’s bad enough that I have to worry about balls flying at my face. Now I have to worry about long, hard wood, too? It’s just too much for a pretty man like me to have to deal with.”

Neither Selig nor any representative for MLB could be reached at the time of this writing for comment.

Headlines, MLB, News

David Ortiz Stabbed Outside Taco Bell During Argument Over Burrito

April 9, 2014 IamShado Leave a comment

BOSTON, MA—

The Boston Red Sox have announced that slugger David Ortiz may miss several games after being stabbed outside a downtown Boston Taco Bell during an argument over a burrito.

According to a police report, “Big Papi” was forcibly removed from the establishment after attempting to eat food that belonged to another customer. A scuffle ensued and employees intervened but the confrontation spilled outside where the men briefly exchanged blows before Ortiz was knifed in the stomach. His assailant disappeared on foot and remains at large.

“He was out of money but still wanted more food,” said manager Willie Prader. “When we refused, he grabbed a burrito off another gentleman’s table and made a dash for the exit. The other guy tackled Mr. Ortiz and the two men wrestled on the floor before being separated and escorted outside.”

Though not life threatening, Ortiz’s wound will likely require several weeks of rehab.

The incident is particularly unfortunate since Ortiz had recently dropped 20 pounds off his notoriously gargantuan frame, bringing him down to around 250. He has been on a strict diet under doctor supervision for several months but apparently fell off the wagon and headed downtown for some long overdue binge eating.

“He was asked to leave an all-you-can-eat Ponderosa earlier in the evening,” said Officer Gary Goldsmith. “Shortly thereafter, a man matching Mr. Ortiz’s description was spotted running from a convenience store after stealing a six pack of beer and fistful of Slim Jims, but a positive identification of the suspect has not been made.”

Ortiz spent much of the off-season having his colon periodically blown out as part of an experimental procedure designed to reduce his excessively ravenous appetite. Illegal in the United States, Ortiz returned to his native Dominican Republic to receive the controversial treatments, and appeared to be responding well. This relapse, however, leaves his fortunes, and those of the Red Sox, in serious doubt.

Headlines, MLB, News

Alex Rodriguez Demanding More Money

April 9, 2014 JP Leave a comment

NEW YORK—

The Yankees have been through a lot these last past years, and we may be seeing some what of a drought from the historic franchise. With Rivera retired, and Jeter on his way out, these two main faces of the Yankees will hope that their team will keep the legacy going, and continue to win World Series.

With a roster getting more and more slim the Yankees really need to focus on getting the veteran players into more of a leadership mode. They need to rely on some of the more experienced players to take the younger guys under their win, and make sure they help mold the future of the team.

One hard hitting Yankee that isn’t giving the best impression is Alex Rodriguez. Rodriquez spent most of his time on the bench last year due to things so sneaky, we can get sued if we even mention them. The kicker to the case is the fact that Rodriquez is requesting a pay raise even though he will be likely to stay right where he was last year..in the dugout.

“You know most people think it’s hard to hit homeruns in a clutch spot, or make a diving play with 2 outs, and the bases loaded. I’ve learned from sitting out the true test of a baseball player is sitting out for games.”

We asked if this was because you have to watch your team play, and the anxiety of you wanting to be on the field is killing you mentally?

“Not at all, its tough in the dugout, sometimes my legs fall asleep for sitting to long. Also, if it is a day game sunlight can poke through and hit me right in the eyes. It’s frustrating, and this is why I’ve decided to ask for a pay raise.”

Rodriquez will receive the entire budget the Yankees have to pay their players, while the rest of team will be paid in hotdogs, and A Rod bobble heads.

Headlines, MLB, News

Colorado Rockies Baseball Team To Sell Marijuana Brownies At Their Concession Stands

February 28, 2014 IamShado 7 Comments

DENVER, COLORADO –

With the new laws in effect in Colorado, major sports organizations are looking for ways to cash in on the newest legal cash crop in the state.

Sources are reporting that Major League Baseball’s Colorado Rockies plan to sell food items which contain marijuana at concession stands during games next season.

The first item on the list? Pot Brownies.

An official within the Rockies organization stated that the Rockies organization has given the green light to concession stands selling marijuana brownies.

High ranking officials in the Rockies organization say they are thrilled at the new menu item since they note that it will bring in tens of thousands of dollars per month.

The Rockies head office is hoping that the sale of marijuana brownies will also boost sales of other concession items. What better way to sell concessions that to give everyone in the stadium the munchies?

SIDENOTE: An inside source with the organization said that it appears that the strain of marijuana that will be used in the making of the marijuana brownies will be Durango Bango which is considered to be the very best weed in the Rocky Mountain State.