Category Archives: Headlines

Top stories which are highlighted on the main page.

Carmelo Anthony Signs Multi-Year Deal With The Miami Heat

June 26, 2014 JP Leave a comment

MIAMI, Florida –

One of the most exciting players in the NBA, Carmelo Anthony, announced earlier today that he has signed a 3-year deal with The Miami Heat, hoping to replace the talent that Miami is losing after it was recently announced that their star player, LeBron James, would be leaving to become a free agent. Anthony will be headed to a new city, on a new team, in attempts to do what he was trying to do with The Knicks – win a title.

Since Anthony has been a free agent, a lot of different offers came his way, but The Heat found a way to lock him down for at least 3 years and people are excited about the move.

Anthony was an all-star for the Knicks, and some would say that he was the golden horse of the organization. He had all the tools to be a champion player, besides a team that could follow suit. Anthony is very optimistic about things to come in Miami, and said believes he will be the player maker to make The Heat unstoppable.

“Things just got a little hotter for The Heat.” said Anthony. “I’m excited to play for an organization that can finish strong, and win championships. I feel this squad should be called the fantastic four, we will be unstoppable.”

During the interview, a reporter questioned Anthony’s Fantastic Four reference, seeing as how their would be 5 players on the court at once.

“Listen, I don’t care about numbers or counting. It doesn’t even matter who is on the floor with me, they can just sit pretty anyway. I will win game-after-game anyway, with them or without them.” replied Anthony.

Anthony is scheduled to report to South Beach in the next week to begin training with The Heat. He personally requested a new speedo, some sunblock, and a private chair on the beach for when he arrives.

Headlines, News, Other Sports

Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather Set to Fight

June 26, 2014 JP Leave a comment

Miami, Florida-

Two of the highest paid athletes in the world are all set to meet glove-to-glove in the ring. There have been rumors of this fight happening for several months, and after all the drama, the contracts, and the disappointments, fans can finally prepare themselves to see these two settle it in the ring.

The high profile fight truly began to take shape last year, when friends of Mayweather began mercilessly teasing him, claiming that he would never take a fight with Pacquiao because he knew that he would lose. Apparently, Mayweather took this as a challenge, a blow to his ego that rattled his cage enough to agree to get in the ring.

“I’m not afraid of anyone.” says Mayweather. “I will step in the ring with King Kong himself, and I’d whoop that monkey’s ass, too. They say money can’t buy you happiness, but I tell you what- I’ll feel extremely happy when I get the extreme amounts of cash from this fight purse. In no way shape or form will Manny be able to stand toe-to-toe with me.”

It appears that Mayweather has it in his head already that the fight is in the bag, and he should breeze though it as if it was just any punk off of the street. This may or may not be the case, but in Pacquiao’s eyes the outcome of the fight will be completely different.

“I’m going to punch him in the face until he can’t get up.” said Pacquiao, being as literal as possible in his description of the fight. “Then when he is down, I will laugh in his face. Floyd is useless. Wait and see. All his money, it won’t be able to save him in the ring. Maybe he can use $100 bill to wipe away the blood and tears.”

“Blood and tears? That sonofa—. You know what I’ll use that $100 bill for?” Said Mayweather in response. “I’m going to use that $100 bill to buy a box of tissues, because they’re way softer than money for wiping away tears. Also, I’ll expect at least $98 in change from that $100, and I’ll put that back in the bank. Can’t be too careful in this economy.”

The full fight card has not yet been announced, but the pay-per-view event is scheduled for the end of August, and will be held at the Sands Casino in Las Vegas.

Headlines, News, Soccer

FIFA World Cup Committee Banning Teams That Refer To Sport As ‘Soccer’

June 26, 2014 JP Leave a comment

ZURICH, Switzerland –

Some truly bitter news for soccer fans was reported today. After a few years of debate, the board of trustees for the world cup committee have come to an agreement, one that will hurt the USA Soccer team. It has been decided that any team that does not wish to call the sport by its true name, football, will be immediately banned from competition.

It has been reported that they feel that it is disrespectful to call something that it isn’t, and would never do this in any other sport.

“It’s like calling a man a woman, or a Korean a Mexican. We just can’t allow it.” Said Prince Ali Bin Al-Hussein, vice-president of FIFA. “The sport is known in more countries as football, and indeed you primarily use your feet to play. This is not a decision that happened overnight.”

The committee said they felt that out of all the sporting events in this world, besides the Olympics, this is one that caters to all nations, big or small. They feel that if most of the world is on board to play, then they should be on the same page in every aspect of the sport, even the name.

“Football is a beautiful sport, and I’m not talking about the American version were men grab butts, wear tights, and throw a ball with their hands. I’m talking about the truly exciting sport of football, were men run up and down the field for over an hour, and hug when a single goal is scored.” Said Sepp Blatter, president of FIFA.

There has been no official word by the United States on plans to change their name to the US Football Team, but production has been put in motion by the team owners to create new uniforms and memorabilia. With the US moving along swiftly in World Cup play, owners are just hoping they have a chance to officially change the name before they are disqualified from competition.

Headlines, MMA, News, UFC, WWE

John Cena To Make Debut in the UFC This Fall

June 25, 2014 JP Leave a comment

Las Vegas, Nevada –

One of the most popular wrestlers in the WWE has decided to take the next step in his career. John Cena, a both a fan favorite and one of the most hated men in wrestling today, will be stepping away from the entertainment ring, and heading to the real fights of the octagon this fall.

It has been announced that Cena has been training for a mixed martial arts fight for awhile, and after Dana White gave the approval, a bout was instantly scheduled.

It is unclear who he will be facing but sources have said not to expect his first fight to be against any “All-Star” UFC fighter. Cena reportedly got the idea from fellow wrestler and one-time UFC star Brock Lesner, but fans and insiders alike are already questioning if he can handle taking on real fights.

“Cena is very prepared. He knows these are real badass fighters throwing real punches and kicks.” Said Dana White. “He’s not taking this lightly. I mean, he probably is going to get his ass handed to him, but at least he knows what’s coming.”

Cena did speak to the press, but was very unclear about his wrestling future, he appeared more concerned about his upcoming fight.

“I’m going to beat this dude so bad he is going to wish that the fight was fake like wrestling. I’m sick of people making jokes that what I do is fake, and I can’t hold my own. This is to prove that I’m a real fighter, and can take it and give it, 100%. They won’t even see me coming.” said Cena

It has been rumored that Cena may fight Kimbo Slice in his first bout, but nothing is on paper yet. The only thing that has been floating around is a poster by a promoter for the UFC. The poster mocks Cena, with the slogan of “Watch Kimbo Get His Career Back As Cena Loses His.”

The WWE still has Cena under contract, and has not commented on how often Cena will still be featured in their matches, but a schedule of a UFC fighter can be pretty time-consuming. It fair to assume that Cena will be dividing his time between the squared-circle and the octagon come this fall.

Headlines, News, NFL

Aaron Hernandez Escapes From Prison During Routine Hospital Trip

June 25, 2014 JP Leave a comment

Bristol County, Massachusetts –

Ex-tight end and current felon Aaron Hernandez is on the run from the law, after managing to get past a prison guard while checked into a a local Massachusetts hospital earlier this week. Hernandez held a good spot on the New England Patriots before being charged with murder. He steadfastly proclaimed his innocence during the investigation, but with so much evidence pointing to the contrary, the jury found him guilty.

It has been reported that Hernandez was complaining about stomach pains for months and begged security guards to take him to an actual hospital off prison grounds. After several weeks of hearing Hernandez cry in pain, they set up a date to visit a local hospital by the prison for a routine check up.

While in the hospital Hernandez made his move and escaped the officers on the scene. Still on the loose, police are baffled to where he could be and how this even happened.

“From my knowledge there was four officers watching him and he was cuffed to the bed. I don’t know how this happened” said the chief of Bristol County, Joseph Goldsmith.

News of Hernandez being free has brought shock to people, but excitement for some die-hard Patriots fans.

“I hope he is smart and gets some plastic surgery for his face. He could come back and play as someone completely different. We need him on the field, not in prison.” Said Archie Sellers, a die-hard Patriots fan.

Reluctantly, the guard in charge of watching Hernandez during the hospital visit admitted what had actually happened, and how Hernandez was able to escape.

“We were in a hospital not a prison, there was no bars to hold him back. He came at me fast did a studded step, then a swim move, and finished me with a stiff arm. He is fast as hell and looked like he was running for a hail mary pass as he flew out those hospital doors. By the time I got outside he was gone, nowhere to be seen.” Said the guard.

Anyone with information on Hernandez’s whereabouts are encourage to contact their local police department.

Headlines, News, NFL

Stephen Colbert Injured In Airport By Marshawn Lynch

June 23, 2014 kctinman Leave a comment

LOS ANGELES– One of America’s favorite comedic political figures was injured at LAX on Saturday, when Stephen Colbert was knocked down by Seattle Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch. The beloved host of “The Colbert Report” tore his groin muscle due to the incident, which by all reports was accidental. According to eye witnesses, Lynch was a in a big hurry as he sprinted through the terminal, when he suddenly cut back to his right. That is when he ran right over Colbert, and never even slowed down. “Lynch headed to a snack shop and grabbed up like seven bags of Skittles,” Becky Lewis, a fellow traveler, told us via Skype. He got his candy and went right back to his run toward his plane. I guess he was running late, but I hate to see that poor comedian get bowled over like that.

Colbert is recovering nicely at his home in New Jersey and will miss no time on his highly rated Comedy Central show. We were only able to do a text message interview with Colbert as he is quite busy. “I am going to be fine and I have no hard feelings against Marshawn Lynch. I do have a problem with these Skittles however. If they can cause a grown man, an athlete at that, to go berserk and crash into people just to get to the sugary treats, we have a problem. With my nation of worshipers, we are going to boycott the candy until they go belly up. We live in an age of truthiness, and we are going to let the truth be known about this addictive treat,” Colbert told us. The comedian said that he believes the Skittles are the next thing to Meth and cannot believe they remain legal, much less over the counter. He also stated that he has done a bit of research since his groin injury and found out that Skittles were used in some nuclear testing in 1952. He declined to elaborate, but said that he would release more information in the coming days as the boycott gets rolling.

Lynch heard about the incident, which he never even noticed, as his lust for Skittles temporarily numbed him to outside stimulus, like running over a comedian. The running back went to Twitter to apologize to Colbert then threaten him moments later. “Sorry bout the beast mode trucking I accidently put on u dude.” “Best drop this boycott of Skittles tho bro. Messin w/ wrong candy,” tweeted Lynch. We will monitor this situation and see what occurs over the next week. We can only hope for some reconciliation between the two parties and the candy in question.

Headlines, News, NFL

Seattle Seahawks’ Richard Sherman Arrested After Berating Police Officer

June 12, 2014 JP Leave a comment

Seattle, Washington –

Seattle Seahawks’ corner back Richard Sherman is in the spotlight again, but this time it isn’t for a great play, or slamming an opposing team. One of the best defensive players in the NFL today has found himself off the field and behind bars after an argument with a local police officer on Wednesday evening.

Sherman is known for his cockiness on the field, and a vocabulary that can only be described as “trash-talk.” His passion on the field often carries over to the after-game interviews, and he is the type of player Seahawks fans either love, or love to hate.

Despite his reputation for attitude within the NFL, witnesses to Sherman’s altercation with a Seattle police officer were shocked by his behavior.

“It was like he just picked off Peyton in the Super Bowl, and ran it back for a touchdown or something. His cockiness was at an all time high!” Said Curt Johnson, a bystander to the incident.

Sherman’s problems arose when a police officer witnessed him jaywalking, and gave him a warning not to do it again. The officer later admitted that he wasn’t so much worried about the jaywalking law in Seattle, but the fact that it was a busy street and Sherman could have been hurt, as several pedestrians have been hit by cars in the same area over the last few months.

“He asked me if I knew who he was, and I said of course, I’m a huge fan.” Said Patrolman Mike Stephens. “[Sherman] then continued to say, ‘Then you know that I own [expletive] Seattle, and any [expletive] street I want to cross I can, no matter where I decide to [expletive] cross it.'”

Stephens apparently tried to apologize, and explain to Sherman that he was just doing his job, and that Sherman’s celebrity status in the city did not give him the right to curse anyone.

“He told me that I was a terrible police officer, and said I should just go eat some [expletive] donuts.” Said Officer Stephens. “He went off on me about how he was doing better in life than I was, and said that I shouldn’t even watch a Seattle game again, because I didn’t deserve to witness the ‘greatness’ that was him on a football field.”

Sherman was arrested and charged with jaywalking and disorderly conduct towards a police officer in the course of his duty. Representatives for Sherman could not be reached for comment at press time.

Headlines, NBA

Man Arrested For Sabotaging Air Conditioning During Game 1 of NBA Finals

June 11, 2014 IamShado Leave a comment

SAN ANTONIO, Texas –

UPDATE: The validity of this article could not be confirmed. According to the San Antonio Spurs, no one named Brendan Kelly was working as a contractor during this time.

———-

Brendan Kelly, a mechanical contractor working at the AT&T center, was arrested today after security footage showed him tampering with the air conditioning unit during game 1 of the NBA finals. Kelly, a die-hard Spurs fan, was quoted as saying he thought that sabotaging the air conditioning would make it extremely difficult for the Spurs’ opponents, the Miami Heat, to play, thus making him a fortune with his bookie.

“I just wanted to give my boys an edge, and I saw a perfect opportunity here.” Kelly said during a police interview. “Nothing wrong with making a little scratch on a game, right?”

The heat inside the AT&T Center had reached almost 90 degrees by the end of the third quarter, and not only was it taking a toll on the Heat, causing star player LeBron James to sit out part of the the game with cramps caused by dehydration, it wasn’t doing any favors for the Spurs, either.

“I don’t think I’ve ever played in anything like this since I left the islands,” said Tim Duncan, center for the Spurs and a native of St. Croix in the U.S. Virgin Islands.

Despite complaints from everyone in the building, referees and coaches were never consulted about stopping the game. According to Rod Thorn, Vice President of Operations for the NBA, because players were not “slipping on condensation,” there was never any talk during the game of stopping play.

“We rarely would stop a game, especially in the playoffs.” Said Thorne.

empire-sports-lebron-cramps-during-game-1-NBA-finals — LeBron leans on teammates to make his way off the court, suffering from dehydration

Official word from representatives for the AT&T Center was that their system was just malfunctioning. Now that Kelly has been arrested for the tampering, they have backpedaled in their stance on the matter.

“We were under the assumption that our air conditioning system was malfunctioning, and that was our initial report.” Said Raymond McNeil, director of the AT&T Center. “With Mr. Kelly being taken into police custody, we are supporting them in any way we can to make sure he is prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.”

Kelly is being charged with 1st degree vandalism and placing illegal bets on a sports game, both felonies in the state of Texas.

Headlines, News, Olympics

2016 Summer Olympics To Be Held In North Korea

June 10, 2014 Brent Gilmore Leave a comment

Pyongyang, North Korea –

The Olympics is a tourist jackpot that all countries throughout the world pray to be able to host. The location for the 2016 Summer Olympic Games was announced last week, with the Olympic committee choosing North Korea as host.

North Korea President Kim Jong Un has told the press he is very excited to host the Olympics, but also plans to prevent any citizen from the United States from entering the country to participate. Not stopping at just the US though, Kim Jong Un has said he will completely close his borders throughout the games, making the Olympics only available to North Korea’s teams.

Retired basketball player Dennis Rodman, who is a friend of Kim Jong Un’s, had recently tried talking him into re-opening the event to all countries, but negotiations were unsuccessful. Sources say Rodman actually made matters worse trying to talk Kim Jong Un, and it started a heated battle. The violent dictator reportedly felt threatened during his talk with Rodman, and took him as a hostage.

The U.S. government decided not to respond to the hostage situation though, as President Barack Obama reiterated the U.S.’ standard position on not negotiating with terrorists.

“Not to mention that [we] couldn’t care less if Dennis Rodman died.” Said Obama.

As it looks as though there will be no progress made in forcing Kim Jong Un to reverse his decision and re-open the Olympics to all competitors, many teams from every corner of the globe are planning a protest to the Olympic committee directly, hoping to get them to have the games be hosted by another, more peaceful, country.

“We are too afraid of Kim and what he might do if we change our minds and try to back out of having the games in his country.” Said Olympic committee chairman Richard Kimball. “We feel at this point it would just be best to let North Korea have this one, and we’ll try to pick a better location for the 2020 games. It’s probably the only chance they’ll ever have of winning medals anyway.”

Headlines, News, Other Sports

Jay-Z Buys California Chrome for $55 Million

June 8, 2014 kctinman Leave a comment

LOS ANGELES — A rapper and a race horse is not the normal combination in today’s sports world. Not until today, when mega rapper and business mogul, Jay-Z, purchased California Chrome. Mr. Z reportedly paid over $55 million for the Kentucky Derby and Preakness winner. This is great news for the horse racing industry, as they have been seeking some diversity for a while now. Having a rapper who also happens to be black could really open up the sport for an entirely new demographic.

Chrome’s former owner, Steve Coburn, told us while sobbing (his natural state), “I hated to sell the animal, but it is hard to say no to a double nickel in millions. And it is the best thing for horse racing. Our racing community has been pushing to get a rapper involved in ownership for a long time. I could not turn down the chance to give our sport an ethnic boost.” Coburn drew some heat after his horse won the Preakness, saying that the Kentucky Derby hospitality was not what it should have been. Selling a possible Triple Crown winner to a rapper who also owns part of an NBA team, should get him back in the good graces of the Derby crowd.

In a press release, Jay-Z stated he was happy to be a part of such an accepting sports community. “I could not be happier about the reception I have gotten since the news broke. My fellow racehorse owners have welcomed me with open arms. There was the text from Bob, the old white guy with silver hair. The call from Stan, the other old white guy with silver hair. And the email from Connor, the other old white guy with silver hair. These guys have been very supportive.”